Advertisers would have you believe that strapping on a healthy buzz by way of a bottle of something a little more elegant will magically transform you into a more suave, sophisticated reveler than those who might stoop to drinking beer or doing gas station bath salts with the rest of the riffraff.
We can't always hit the mark in life, though. Unfortunately for these brands and their intended messages, what they did instead was subliminally confirm that getting hammered brings out the worst in a person. So, as you celebrate tonight, remember to do so in moderation, lest you fall victim to the heinous side effects of alcohol on display in these commercials.
Here are five alcohol ads that confirm your worst fears about drinking.
#5. Dewar's Proves That Alcohol Makes You Surly
Nobody likes an angry drunk, and in this commercial for Dewar's (The Drinking Man's Scotch!), actress Claire Forlani proves to be exactly that, in terrifying fashion. For reasons that nobody will ever explain in a way that makes sense, the commercial opens with a scenic tour through what I'm assuming is some war-torn part of Europe where people have reverted to using horses as the primary means of transportation ...
Her name is Vlad.
... because all of the cars were set on fire by the marauding hordes:
This could be Detroit, also.
By the time we get to this shot of some sketchy street tough opening a criminal-looking doorway ...
Don't make eye contact.
... you'd be half inclined to think that some kind of kidnapping is taking place. Those suspicions are then confirmed with this shot of a trunk that, when viewed in real time, clearly moves as if someone inside is trying to get out:
Dewar's: As smooth as unlawful imprisonment.
So what criminal mastermind is behind this felony? That would be Claire Forlani, of course, and she's goddamn angry.
"For failing to remember my role in Police Academy: Mission to Moscow, you must die."
For the next 40 seconds or so, presumably while the latest addition to her stable of kidnapped Eastern European tourists turned human sex trade victims is prepped for display, Claire Forlani rants about people not taking life seriously enough, something she proves does not apply to her as she snarls ...
... and sneers ...
... her way through ...
... the normally simple and stress-free task of having a drink at an empty bar.
I've never been quite sure what compels a person to abandon societal norms and slip into a life of crime, but after watching this commercial, I know Dewar's will help you get there.
#4. Jay-Z and D'Usse Cognac Prove That Drinking Leads to Depression
Jay-Z lives a pretty good life. He's married to, arguably, the greatest Destiny's Child member of all time, for starters. Beyond that, he's super wealthy, one of the most respected entertainers in his field, part owner of an NBA franchise, and quite possibly the Jackie Robinson of the Illuminati. Given those qualifications, it's hard to find a reason why Jay-Z would ever be sad. In this commercial for D'Usse cognac, though, it's clear that something has the Jigga Man down in the dumps.
"Sadness. That's what's up."
Our friend Hov sits in a dark room, all alone, the only sound for miles being the cries of anguish that must pockmark his inner monologue. We get no music, no sounds of ambiance, no light, no happiness, no reason to believe that drinking D'Usse cognac will lead to anything other than a worsening of the symptoms that compel so many to seek comfort in the warm embrace of prescription pharmaceuticals every year.
Contributing to the overall sad vibe is the extreme slow motion technique, which gives Jay-Z the look of a man who has been drinking away his sorrows for so long in a depressing (albeit tastefully decorated) room that he's now hammered to the point of being incapacitated. That's why it takes an excruciatingly ...
... long ...
... 47 seconds ...
... just to reach down and take one more drink.
It's a hard knock life. Drink yourself into an alcohol-fueled stupor with D'Usse cognac.
#3. Gordon's Gin Acknowledges That You Won't Drink Responsibly
You know what you should do tonight? Shower in booze. That's the apparent message behind this Gordon's Gin campaign called "Favorite Things." It features Gordon Ramsay, whom research has shown to be the favorite thing of absolutely no one, being doused with a bucket of ice ...
... a bunch of limes (sliced, for safety) ...
... and what looks like a 6-gallon pail of alcohol.
Questions about the safety of gargling with a full liter of hard alcohol as Chef Ramsay does at the end of this ad aside, you must admit that, in an age when alcohol companies implore you to drink responsibly, it's refreshing to see one that understands that you absolutely will not.
Not if you're still standing, soldier.
In 2013, resolve to get blackout drunk more often, with Gordon's Gin.