4

The Home Shopping Network Capitalizes On Racism With '60s Chic The Help Merchandise

The Help is a movie that explores racism and segregation in 1960s Mississippi through the story of a heroic white person who instructs a group of black women on civil rights and achieving their full potential. Its mishandling of history and slight tone-deafness aside, viewers were still supposed to walk away from the theater with a moderately better understanding of the conditions African-Americans have had to endure in this country. However, the only lesson the Home Shopping Network came away with was "All those white people had amazing stuff that today's consumers would surely like to own."

Home Shopping Network"Free maid with the mixer and grill!"

Thus, to coincide with the release of The Help, HSN launched a tie-in website hocking high-end '60s chic products to fans of the film, so that they too could feel like a segregationist white socialite from the swingin' Jim Crow era. There's even a floral summer dress inspired by Hilly Holbrook, the movie's deeply racist antagonist, in case you want to attend a summer mixer dressed as her. That's like selling Matt Damon's outfit from School Ties, or a stick-on goatee inspired by Edward Norton in American History X.

Speaking of Hilly Holbrook, there is a scene in The Help in which Hilly is fed a chocolate pie containing whipped human shit. So naturally, the HSN site offers a chocolate cake inspired by the film. Marketing movie-based food items is a dangerous game. Sure, Ecto Cooler is delightful and fun, but Sweeney Todd breakfast sausages probably wouldn't be met with the same enthusiasm. We're willing to bet that few fans of The Help watched the shit pie scene and couldn't wait for the movie to end so they could go buy a chocolate dessert.

3

Japanese-Inspired Fashion Designs Were Modeled On Memoirs Of A Geisha, A Movie About Child Sex Slavery

Memoirs Of A Geisha is about a nine-year-old Japanese girl who is sold into servitude and forced to become a geisha, which, while not a prostitute per se, is at the very least something akin to a high-end escort. Among the indignities the girl is made to endure include having her virginity verified by a physical examination, and later having said virginity auctioned off to the highest bidder.

2

Prometheus Joins Forces With Coors Light

Prometheus, 2012's Alien prequel, was about mankind's search for our creators and why we should never let androids mix our drinks. Speaking of drinks, at some point, somebody decided that the perfect sponsor for an R-rated summer blockbuster that explored existential questions at the heart of the human condition should be Coors Light. One might argue that nobody understands the human condition better than the alcohol industry, but you'd hope they would've selected a better emissary than the liquid responsible for so many suspended commercial truck licenses.

Coors LightIn space, no one can hear you get a DUI.

1

Disney's Skin-Of-Another-Race Moana Halloween Costume

Despite Disney's spotty history of racism and sexism in their films, in recent years, they've really made some attempts at progress. From The Princess And The Frog to Big Hero 6 to Zootopia, Disney seems dedicated to making up for past transgressions, such as the Siamese cats in Lady And The Tramp and those fucking crows in Dumbo.

Disney was set to continue its streak of diverse animated entertainment with Moana, a story based on Polynesian mythology featuring a cast almost exclusively made up of Pacific Islanders. Everything about the film was well-received -- that is, until Disney released a tie-in Halloween costume that wouldn't be terribly out of place at a minstrel show and/or a serial killer's trophy room:

Walt DisneyThe "Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell were you thinking?" facepaint sold separately.

Yes, in order to let kids don the tribal tattoos of The Rock's character, Maui, they went ahead and created a costume that lets them wear his goddamned brown skin. And while this isn't exactly the same thing as caking your child's face in shoe polish and dressing him up like Chris Tucker's character from Friday, it definitely is weirder.

Maybe just sell the necklace and the grass skirt? Although a bunch of kids running around in October weather wearing nothing but thigh-high grass skirts raises at least two other major issues.

Mike Bedard is a comedy writer living in Los Angeles. He wrote a sitcom starring nothing but brooms that you can watch here. You can also follow him on Twitter.

Think Nana and Pop-Pop's loving 60-year monogamous relationship is quaint and old-fashioned? First off, sorry for that disturbing image, but we've got some news for you: the monogamous sexual relationship is actually brand new relative to how long humans have been around. Secondly, it's about to get worse from here: monkey sex. On this month's live podcast, Jack O'Brien and Cracked staffers Michael Swaim and Teresa Lee welcome Dr. Christopher Ryan, podcaster and author of 'Sex at Dawn,' onto the show for a lively Valentine's Day discussion about love, sex, why our genitals are where they are, and why we're more like chimps and bonobos than you think. Get your tickets here!

For more ways Hollywood knows how suck the soul from a movie, check out 4 Famous Movies With Insane Music Video Tie-Ins and 7 Times Movie Product Placement Backfired Hilariously.

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