5 Superheroes With Consistently Bizarre Sex Lives In Comics
With the massive popularity of superhero movies these days, non-nerds everywhere are turning to the comics to learn more about these amazing characters -- but there is such a thing as too much information.
For example, while it's not exactly shocking that people who dress in tights and capes are a little kinky in bed, what is shocking is how specific, and often illegal, those kinks are. After decades and decades of stories, some truly disturbing patterns begin to emerge, such as the fact that ...
Daredevil Dates Women With Dead Fathers Who Die Themselves After Discovering His Identity
Daredevil gets a surprising amount of action, given his disability (he's a ginger). This is even more surprising when you consider that he has a very distinct type: women whose fathers are dead or about to die, and who tend to drop dead themselves right around the time they find out Daredevil = blind lawyer Matt Murdock. Bonus points if substance abuse is involved!
Daredevil's 50-year continuity is basically an extended Maury episode.
Let's start with his first boo, Elektra. The two meet in college, but their idyllic romance is interrupted when her father, a Greek politician of questionable daughter-naming skills, is murdered right in front of them:
Matt hasn't even noticed he put on his bandana too low.
Years later, Elektra runs into Daredevil and quickly realizes he's Matt (there aren't a lot of blind guys with sick ninja moves out there). Unfortunately, she also runs into a big-ass knife:
Her last words are, "Hey, I just saw the Jennifer Garner movie based on me. Can you do me a favor?"
Clearly, Matt's experience with Elektra in college shaped his taste in women. Next up is Karen Page, Matt's secretary/recurring boner-bouncer, whose father turns out to be a crazy supervillain called Death's Head. Death's Head promptly becomes Death's Everything (he dies), and because he's got a dead-dad fetish, Matt chooses that moment to reveal his identity to Karen.
"You know you just shouted that in front of a 30-person funeral, right?"
They break up, she becomes a heroin addict, and finds out she has AIDS. The good news: It's a false positive! The bad news: She gets murdered anyway ... by the same guy who killed Elektra.
"Why?! Why did I have to pick Girlfriend-Murdering-Man as my nemesis?!"
After Karen, Matt hooks up with a girl called Heather Glenn. Once again, as soon as her dad kills himself, Matt reveals his identity to her ...
Is ... is he smirking?
... and, once again, she becomes an addict (booze this time) and dies.
OK, now he's straight-up coming.
And, oh dear Jesus, we're not even done yet. Glorianna O'Breen (she's Italian, yes) is a woman Daredevil meets while she's being chased by the IRA member who killed her dad. We don't even have to tell you that Matt taps that. She gets thrown out of a window and figures out Matt is Daredevil as she's falling to her death:
Note how we're not even bothering to address the fact that Matt is pretending to be dead half the time.
And, finally, we have Maya Lopez (an Avenger called Echo or Ronin). Her father is also dead -- in fact, she thinks Daredevil killed him. You know what, at this point, we're not totally discounting it.
"I didn't do it! Also, please ignore my boner."
Of course, she forgives Daredevil when she finds out he's Matt ... and, of course, she ends up getting murdered.
Nightwing Keeps Being Forced Into Sexual Encounters With Superpowered Women
Nightwing is the new identity Robin (Dick Grayson) adopts when he gets too old to pull off those pixie boots. Like Batman, he has no superpowers ... unless you consider "being molested a lot" one. Now, we're not saying that Bats intentionally didn't teach his protege what to do about people taking advantage of him sexually, but it's pretty suspicious that like half of Dick's sexual partners have been non-consensual. Also, creepy. That's fucking creepy, DC.
We've told you about the infamous Nightwing issue where his protege sexually abuses him, but that is actually the third or fourth time this happens to him, depending on how you're counting. In a New Titans issue, a shapeshifter called Mirage kidnaps Nightwing's girlfriend, Starfire, and uses her powers to take Starfire's place both on the team and on Dick's ... dick. Nightwing's teammates then make fun of him for, you know, getting raped.
Perhaps more shockingly, they don't make fun of him for that mullet.
Meanwhile, Dick's girlfriend just victim-blames him. She's been more understanding in other situations, though -- perhaps too understanding. In another issue, Nightwing's teammate Raven loses control of her emotion-based powers and forces him to make out with her. When he realizes what happened, Dick is appalled ... but Starfire thinks it's hilarious and teams up with Raven to play a little "joke" on him:
"You know what would be even funnier? My French isn't good, but I believe the pronunciation is ..."
Look how terrified he is! That's because women have been forcing themselves on him since he was a little boy. Dick's first "girlfriend" is actually a fellow kid sidekick who kisses him against his will over and over until she basically gaslights him into thinking they're dating. Dick then loses his virginity at 16 to a statutory rapist who is just manipulating him to steal Bruce Wayne's money:
"OK, so maybe a tattoo on Dick's crotch wasn't the best place to hide my bank password."
Even the Batman cartoon universe has this trope. An issue of the official Batman: The Animated Series spinoff comic shows Poison Ivy, the classic villain/occasional antihero, turning Robin into her love slave ...
Fun fact: DC is currently marketing her as a good role model for little girls.
... which leads to this gag:
Just an innocent shirtless foot massage, like the kind you'd give your aunt.
Batman gives him a creepy "that's my boy" smile when Dick tells him what happened. He's like 15 at most. Now we're glad Christopher Nolan kept Robin out (for the most part) of the Dark Knight trilogy -- this shit is too dark for those movies.
Scarlet Witch Has Repeated Relationships With Guys She Kills And Brings Back To Life
Scarlet Witch (aka Wanda Maximoff) is a pretty recent addition to the Marvel movies, but she's had a long, fucked-up history in the comics. And, somehow, the fact that she was married to an android for over a decade isn't even the weirdest part of her sex life -- she also has the twisted habit of killing guys, bringing them back to life, and then having the ultimate apology sex.
In Captain America 3, Wanda's powers are limited to moving shit around with her mind, but in the comics she can actually reshape reality. She's also constantly going crazy, which is not a good combination. In one story, she kills her would-be paramour, Wonder Man, only to resurrect him an issue later and give him a wonder-tastic handjob in front of the other Avengers.
Wonder Man: two-panel man.
Later on, Wonder Man is killed while fighting aliens, but Wanda goes, "Nu-uh, not done with that tushie yet" and brings him back to life again so the two can be together. (Hopefully she at least gave the guy a couple of minutes to "recover.") After going a good while without losing her mind or killing/unkilling anyone, she has a bit of a relapse in Avengers Disassembled: She blows up The Avengers' headquarters and murders several teammates, including her ex-husband, Vision.
"Aww, she remembered how much I like Raiders Of The Lost Ark."
Naturally, the next thing she does is reshape the world into a "happy" reality where she and Vision are still married and just had twins ... so, presumably, freaky robot sex happened at some point.
"Wanda? Why do they look so much like your electric toothbrush?"
Another of her victims during Disassembled is Hawkeye, whose bow and arrow are shockingly ineffective against a practically omnipotent, reality-bending witch. He dies, but Wanda ends up bringing him back to life while changing the world back and forth. Since even the characters themselves find all this crap confusing, Hawkeye later travels the world to find the missing Wanda so he can ask her why they hell she killed him. She doesn't really remember, so they bone instead.
"My constantly burning penis?"
Now, the writers apparently felt this was a bit too much for even Scarlet Witch to swallow, so they later revealed that Wanda had been replaced with a robot duplicate at some point. In other words, there's a chance Hawkeye put his dong in a toaster, basically.
Holy shit, what's with The Avengers and fucking robots?
The X-Men's Multiple Man Suffers From Sexual Amnesia
We're assuming you all remember Jamie "Multiple Man" Madrox from his stellar role in X-Men 3, the shittiest movie in the entire franchise. He's exactly what it says on the tin: a guy who can create multiple copies of himself. That might sound awesome, but it's a lot more trouble than it's worth -- especially when it comes to sex. Apparently, Madrox's horniness isn't even a tiny bit diminished by being split 50 ways, because his clones have plenty of sex with women and men both.
You know how they say every straight guy is a little bit gay? Turns out that little bit turns into a distinct clone, and even hits on Madrox-Prime.
Jamie Madrox: The only man outside of a contortionist act able to suck his own dick.
But here's the thing: When the clones re-merge, the original Madrox receives all their memories and knowledge, but he has a hard time separating who's done what to whom -- he just remembers doing ALL of it to EVERYONE. Leaving aside the fact that the straight Madrox presumably has a lot more gay sex in his memory than he'd prefer to, this can lead to some complicated situations. For instance, Madrox and a clone have sex with two different teammates on the same night, getting one of them pregnant. So, who's the father? Madrox or Madrox?
"There was a third clone, but I just remember hearing 'SNIKT!' over and over ..."
Madrox couldn't exactly ask the mother, "Hey, did I seem particularly clone-ish that night?" because then she'd know he was fooling around on her without even leaving their bed. Oh, but don't worry: He finds out for sure when the baby is born and he emotionally holds it in his arms for the first time ... and proceeds to absorb it into his body.
Yep, the clone is the dad, so Madrox "merges" with the kid upon touching it. Needless to say, the mother isn't pleased, though at least Madrox gains the memory of going through her vagina one last time.
Early Wonder Woman Stories Are Just Creepy BDSM Romps
Wonder Woman is easily one of DC's most recognizable characters, not to mention a female superhero who isn't just an established male character with tits added to the costume design. These days she's often seen as a symbol of female empowerment in a medium that is very sorely lacking in decent representation for women -- so it might surprise you to find out that her early adventures were less about fighting warlocks and mythological beasts and more about indulging her creator's weird bondage obsession.
Fortunately, drawing one-handed is much easier than typing that way.
See, Wonder Woman was created by a man named William Marston, who in addition to being a comic writer was also a psychologist and bondage enthusiast. The result was a comic book where the heroic protagonist doesn't beat her opponents into submission so much as tie them up or get tied up herself, or spanked, or any number of other fetish indulgences that don't really have anything to do with fighting Nazis (the main job of superheroes back then).
Way more pictures of babies in this article than we expected, to be honest.
When she isn't embarking on Fifty Shades Of Grey: Ancient Greece Edition romps with war criminals, Wonder Woman often partakes in bizarre bondage rituals back home on Paradise Island. For example, one particularly notorious story revolves around "Diana's Day," which is basically BDSM Christmas. One Amazon, disguised as the Greek goddess Diana, goes around giving gifts, and other Amazons try to overpower her -- the winner gets to cosplay as Diana next year, while the losers get dressed up as wild game, tied up together, and put in a fake pie overnight. As you might guess, the story's moral is about safe and responsible bondage etiquette, because a comic aimed at kids is totally the appropriate forum for that.
Are you disgusted, or did you just buy an advance ticket to Wonder Woman (2017)?
Whenever she does fight supervillains, half the time she doesn't even surrender them to the proper authorities: She either drags them back to Lesbian Utopia Island for bondage rehabilitation or just brainwashes them into not being dicks anymore. For all the jokes that can be made today about Wonder Woman's costume basically just being a swimming suit with gold trim, at least the stories no longer read like something you'd find hidden in your creepy uncle's closet.
Oddly enough, crime went up 900 percent during this period.
Which Sci-Fi Trope Would You Bring To The Real World, And Why? Every summer we're treated to the same buffet of three or four science fiction movies with the same basic conceits. There's man vs. aliens, man vs. robots, man vs. army of clones and man vs. complicated time travel rules. With virtual reality and self-driving cars fast approaching, it's time to consider what type of sci-fi movie we want to be living in for the rest of our lives. Co-hosts Jack O'Brien and Adam Tod Brown are joined by Cracked's Tom Reimann and Josh Sargent along with comedians David Huntsberger, Caitlin Gill, and Lizzy Cooperman to figure out which sci-fi trope would be the best to make a reality. Get your tickets to this live podcast here!
For more things we wished never happened in comic book history, check out The 5 Creepiest Sex Scenes In Comics and The 8 Most Awkward Sexual Moments In Comic Book History.
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