But after a brief media battle, Scientology seemingly backed down and went back to bad-mouthing mental-health care. However, in 2011 a high-level defector started leaking Scientologist reports, some of which revealed that the organization hadn't stopped waging war on South Park at all -- they had just gone cold.

Scientology's second-favorite way of dealing with detractors, next to suing the pants off people and then going back for the socks, is digging up dirt. Literally, as first Scientology hired a bunch of private investigators to go to the South Park offices and go through their trash. Not only that, these PIs also wrote down license plates, logged employee lunch habits, and reported on which offices were vulnerable enough for a "special collection." Next, they started profiling Parker and Stone's employees to find out who would be vulnerable enough to "interview," trying to get their close friends and colleagues to reveal anything that would embarrass two guys who make puppets 69 for a living.

Michael Elins/Rolling Stone

However, it seems South Park employees are as fiercely loyal as most Soviet sleeper cells, so the Scientology dicks (detectives) came up short. This triggered the next phase of the Scientologists' plan: inserting a mole into Parker and Stone's inner circle. A convert, who was also a film student, was to be used to infiltrate South Park and establish communications with the OSA. That never happened, of course, not in the very least because Hollywood internships are really, really hard to get -- even if you know Tom Cruise. The documented stalking dries up after those botched attempts, which probably means they stopped trying. That's somehow more embarrassing than actually spying on the most celebrated makers of animated dick jokes in the first place.

Back in the day, all men were intimidated by John Wayne. He was the epitome of Tinseltown manliness: a languid, gun-slinging American hot shot who looked pretty good in chaps. Despite those accolades, the Duke wasn't exactly someone you'd expect to be dangerous enough to become the target of a communist dictator's assassination plot, yet that's exactly what happened. Because Joseph Stalin might have been a monster, but he was also a man.

Russian Federation

Stalin had heard of Wayne's staunchly anti-communist beliefs and began to worry that Wayne's influential Hollywood glory and galvanizing man-stubble would eventually pose a problem to his regime. He, of course, decided the only way to deal with this kind of opposition was to order the KGB to assassinate Wayne. When the FBI came and warned him of the plot, the actor had only one thing to say: Let them come.

Duke wanted to solve this problem himself, the Hollywood way. He brought in a screenwriter and started spitballing scenarios to scare the Soviet killers straight. There are still stories of Wayne kidnapping the assassins, driving them to the coast, and staging such a frightening mock execution they actually changed allegiances so as to never be on Wayne's bad side again. Those are just rumors, of course. But c'mon, just look at this guy.

Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Then, like a true frontiersman, Wayne decided to take the fight to the enemy. Creating his own small anti-communist cabal of muscle-bulging stuntmen, Wayne proceeded to organize raids on communist cells to find out if his life was still in danger. Just to be sure, he also moved his family to a mansion behind a huge wall. At this point, we're starting to feel bad for those Soviet assassins, who probably thought they had caught a break getting to kill an actor instead of the president.

Republic Pictures

Luckily, after Stalin's death in 1953, his successor, Nikita Khrushchev, called off the hit, describing it as a result of Stalin's "mad last five years." However, Soviet Russia wasn't the only communist superpower with a grudge. When Wayne went to entertain the troops in 1966, a Vietnamese sniper was caught claiming Chinese red leader Mao Zedong had put a bounty on the aging movie star's head. Probably a good thing he never went to Cuba, then.

In 1969, Carlin appeared on The Jackie Gleason Show, doing a satirical impression of FBI chief J. Edgar Hoover, which, especially by Carlin standards, was mild and inoffensive enough that today even Jimmy Fallon would cringe at its tameness.

ABC Television

Still, when he did the bit again about a year later on The Carol Burnett Show, a memo started circulating the FBI offices: "What do we know of Carlin? H." Hoover was a notoriously thin-skinned man who often used the bureau as his personal vendetta machine. Soon after the memo, a new file was opened on Carlin, emboldened with the words "CRIME RESEARCH."

Federal Bureau of Investigation

By the time they decided to leave the poor guy alone, the FBI had accumulated 12 pages on Carlin. Granted, those 12 pages aren't exactly the FBI making full use of the I in their name. Instead, the file reads like J. Edgar Hoover created the first-ever comment section, with most of it being gathered hate mail aimed at both shows Carlin did his Hoover bit on. Also in the file is Hoover's thank-you note to one of the letter writers, all about how much he appreciates them for defending the old and frail institution that is the FBI. Honestly, what kind of a petty egomaniac takes the time to thank people doing their hating for them?

Donald Trump / Twitter

Thankfully, the mobsters were in a great mood, so it wasn't long before Waller was allowed to join in the festivities. The wiseguys showered him with champagne and thousands of dollars. The only thing the pianist wasn't allowed to do was leave. Ever the dutiful musician, Waller's show went on. And on. And on. Fats played through his catalog of songs several times as the party went on for days. Eventually, Capone called it a night (or long weekend, in this case) and everyone was allowed to go back home (including Waller).

Alan Fisher / Library of Congress

So, after a final thanks from Al Capone, Waller found himself back outside his hotel three days later, painfully hungover and flush with cash. Or, as musicians call it: Monday.

In early 2001, when airport body scanners belonged only in dystopian sci-fi movies, Bin Laden was thinking of several plots to destabilize the United States. Spitballing, really -- blue-sky thinking. One of these plans was dubbed the cultural destabilization plan, which was meant to destroy Western culture. The goal was to provide a catalyst for inner turmoil, prompting the nation's citizens to tear each other apart. Al-Qaida would achieve this by kidnapping and assassinating hugely popular and beloved American celebrities. So, naturally, their first target was to be Russell Crowe.

Eva Rinaldi

Luckily for Crowe and fans of hotel violence everywhere, a French policewoman caught wind of the plot and alerted the FBI, who in turn warned Crowe that Bin Laden was trying to martyr him out of the zeitgeist. From then on, for several years, the actor didn't attend any award ceremony or Hollywood party without being accompanied by over a dozen federal agents in disguise. Of course, the unflappable Crowe hired a little extra protection of his own, among them a former Australian rugby player who served as his personal bodyguard -- because even a suicide bomber would think twice before running afoul of someone who considers this a game:

YouTube

Finally, in 2005, Crowe was clear of the threat and of the FBI, who were reasonably sure Bin Laden by now had other things on his mind than killing the guy who was in A Beautiful Mind. As for Crowe, he said, "I never fully understood what the fuck was going on," which was likely all for the better.

Carolyn's arch-nemesis probably follows her on Twitter.

Zoroastrianism used to be one of the biggest religions in the world, but their idea of heaven had a slight twist on it: to get there you'd have to cross a bridge. Sometimes rickety, sometimes wide and sturdy, if you fell off you'd go to the House of Lies for eternity. Fun! Not terrifying at all! This month, Jack, Dan, and Michael along with comedians Casey Jane Ellison and Ramin Nazer as they discuss their favorite afterlife scenarios from movies, sci-fi and lesser-known religions. Get your tickets here and we'll see you on the other side of the bridge!

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