The Top 25 Cracked Articles Of 2015
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CRACKED Staff
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- December 25, 2015
The views have been tallied. The critics have been ignored. Nothing but the hits: the 25 most crazy popular articles we put up this year.
254 Things In Every Porn You Should Never Do In Real Life
For approximately, oh, the entirety of civilization, we've been pretty bad at teaching people about sex. When you got The Talk from the middle-school woodshop teacher you bought cigarettes from, it probably mostly involved cautionary tales about his wicked case of super-herpes and very little about what people actually do in bed. All we've really got is porn, which is the absolute worst way to learn how to rub genitals together. Porn is a fantasy by necessity. Therefore, sometimes porn stars do things that are so far removed from reality that it actually takes me out of it and I can't even enjoy it anymore, kind of like the Wilhelm Scream in regular movies, but with just so much more dick.
And -- God help us all -- they've shown up on screen so often, people have started thinking those bizarre little porn tropes are what sex is. I beg of you, unless you have your partner's enthusiastic approval and cooperation, do not ever try ...
246 Reasons The Jedi Would Be The Villain In Any Sane Movie
Luke Skywalker, Yoda, Kit Fisto -- they were our heroes growing up. With their lightsabers and Force pushes, the Jedi battled evil and made the galaxy a better place. But did they really? Here are six things about the Jedi that ... look, we're really sorry about this, but we're about to ruin your image of Kit Fisto.
235 Things I Learned Infiltrating Deep Web Child Molesters
"The Deep Web" sounds like a bullshit term some cop show made up for its hacker character to say ("The serial killer's firewall has breached our Javascript! We have to backtrace him before he escapes into the Deep Web!"), but it turns out it is a real thing. Specifically, it's a hidden (that is, not indexed by search engines) part of the Web in which the sites are protected by passwords and where membership is often by invitation only. So, who uses it? Some drug dealers, but, mostly, it's pedophiles. Lots and lots of pedophiles.
Our source, "Pam", spent months undercover in an online community of child molesters, learning their lingo and studying their ways as part of an undergrad research project. The evidence she brought back is truly horrifying, and a quick heads up: Nothing that appears after this paragraph will be the least bit safe for your brain.
229 Disney Fan Drawings That Will Murder Your Childhood Joy
For most of us, Disney movies were fun distractions our parents plunked us in front of so they could do the laundry without screaming homunculi getting in their way. But for a select group of people, Disney characters played a crucial role in the development of their sexuality. Like a hot babysitter who was also a giant mouse.
And look, we're not going to judge how you live and achieve orgasm, but we can't help but point out that the erotic Disney fan art community has some extremely, uh, colorful trends going on -- yes, even for an erotic fan art community.
215 Disgusting Truths About Every Restaurant (From a Chef)
Everybody knows a waiter with more industrial horror stories than the Hellraiser series. But how much of that stuff is real, how much is embellished, and how much of it was just a hallucination from eating last week's leftover specials? We spoke to Justin Croft, a chef with 15 years of experience in the industry, and John Kolka, another chef with more than a decade of experience, about what really goes on behind the scenes in restaurants. When it comes to food, these guys have seen it all. You haven't. And, to be honest, that's probably a good thing.
205 Celebrities Way More Disgusting Than You
The more "like us" a celebrity is, the more we like them. Especially if it's a bad, "damn you're ugly" kind of way. Baggy eyes, patchy skin, crappy hair, picking their nose and eating it while shopping for Faygo and Cheez-Its at Food Lion -- we love nothing more than to heroically slay the fame monster, forcefully chucking carefully marketed models of perfection off their polished, cat-poop-stain-free pedestal so we can finally see them as one of us.
But, as it turns out, many of these celebrities aren't truly like us -- they're way more disgusting than that, with bafflingly terrible health habits that don't make you admire them so much as they make you wonder how the fuck these people even begin to function on their own.
19How A Pop Band Tricked 9 Million Americans Into Being Nazis
Whoa, things got pretty crazy last week, huh? If you don't recall, in my last column, I implied that Donald Trump is modeling his entire presidential campaign and policy on how the Nazis took power in Germany. Sorry if that seemed like conspiracy theory nonsense and caught some of you off-guard. Also, here's more of it. In fact, maybe buckle up for the next couple weeks or so.
Anyway, I really can't blame anyone for landing on the side of the argument that Trump's crazy immigration plan, or anything similarly Nazi-like, could never happen here. It really is inconceivable, even moreso than the fact that it ever happened at all. But what if I told you we already kind of bought into it once? Not at all in the "extermination of an entire race" kind of way, thankfully. But a case study of sorts does exist which shows that, under the right circumstances, the American public is capable of completely ignoring or missing obviously hateful messages, provided they're being delivered by someone who gives us something we want desperately enough ...
185 Stories Everyone Assumes Are In The Bible (But Aren't)
Considering the fact that the Christian Bible is the most popular book in human history, it's surprising how little people know about what's actually in it. Or maybe not -- it's a complicated text compiled over thousands of years, and it's as long as the first five Harry Potter novels combined. Even for an expert, there's a lot in there to process ... and a vast ocean of stuff that isn't in there.
You see, as we've discussed, a whole lot of the stories and characters people associate with the Bible were actually cobbled together from centuries of pop culture and garbled readings of the original. Go grab a Bible from your bookshelf or your nearest hotel nightstand, and you won't find ...
176 Movies Based on a True Story That Left Out Important Stuff
Over the years, we've poked fun at a lot of "based on a true story" movies that turned out to be bullshit. But then we thought that maybe we should stop giving Hollywood shit for embellishing history a bit if it lets them tell a slightly better story. So instead, we decided to give Hollywood shit for leaving out mind-blowing details out of their "based on a true story" movies that would have made them even better:
167 Creepy Details In Back To The Future (You Never Noticed)
Once you've watched the Back To The Future movies a few times, you start noticing all the cool little details hidden in them -- like how Marty's reckless driving renamed a mall, or how Doc Brown's son probably peed himself in the last scene. Apparently, the filmmakers knew nerds would still be obsessing over their work 30 years in the future, so they made sure to pack the trilogy with as many cinematic Easter eggs as possible. It's almost like they had some sort of time ma- whoa.
Not all those hidden plot points are so innocent, though. The more you rewatch Back To The Future, the more you become aware of the dark truths lurking under its fun-filled surface, such as ...
156 Famous Companies You Had No Clue Were Dying
At first glance, some businesses seem completely bulletproof. They've been super successful just short of forever and have made enough money to gas up the average SUV at least twice, so it's ridiculous to think their fate is anything but "keep making money until Galactus turns our planet into poop."
But the truth is, every business eventually is sent to live at the sunny Business Farm upstate, with the cows and the chickens and all your childhood pets. This includes companies that millions upon millions of people still pay attention to. And just because they seem healthy on the outside doesn't mean they aren't decaying into an atrophied, gangrenous lump on the inside ...
145 Creepy Real Places That Science Can't Explain
We have more trust in science than ever before. If at any time we come across a phenomenon we just can't explain, we can confidently turn to Neil deGrasse Tyson to tell us what's what, instead of cracking each other's heads open and feasting on the knowledge within. But there are still some places in the world that defy explanation, and while we're not saying these are proof that wizards exist and are screwing with us 24/7, we're still fascinated by ...
135 Helpful Answers To Society's Most Uncomfortable Questions
How many of you are old enough to remember "We Didn't Start The Fire," that shit-awful Billy Joel song in which he unconvincingly insists over and over that he didn't cause the apocalypse?
Well, what I am finding as time goes on is that we are all secretly Billy Joel. Write an article on the Internet about racism or sexism, and there's always this annoyed backlash. "I did not cause slavery! I'm a white guy who works for minimum wage at Comcast, running the Random Call Disconnection machine! Would you please just move on so we can finally talk about something else?"
Then, every reply to that guy seems to come down to, "No, you really don't get it! Slavery and Jim Crow weren't just bad, they were really, really bad!" And then he rolls his eyes because, well, who doesn't know that? "But I still didn't start that fire. Don't make me flip this table!"
Personally, I think everyone's understanding of these problems is completely backward. And I think that's why people feel like they're never getting satisfying answers to questions like ...
125 Things You Don't Know About Strippers (Until You Are One)
If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, stripping may very well be the second oldest -- it all depends on exactly when the first uptight humans decided people shouldn't walk around with their most enticing bits flopping nakedly in the wind. As soon as clothing became the norm, taking that clothing off became a profitable gig for anyone willing to learn how to do it well.
But despite the venerable legacy of this career, and the utter ubiquity of strip clubs in our modern cityscapes, most people know very little about the realities of dancing naked (or naked-ish) for money. So Cracked sat down with exotic dancers from across the United States: Emily, Laura, Zoey, Layne, Helen, Meredith, and a male stripper named Salvatore. Here's what they told us:
11The 4 Best Ways To Jerk Off (According To Science)
Like monkeys and Pokemon, masturbation is evolving. Our ancestors used to put a stick covered in termites in their proto-dicks to get off. Nowadays, we have robots that will give us space-age handies with a kung fu grip and lube designed by NASA, I assume. The NASA security guys won't let me snoop around, but I know what I know.
As with all things, though, we must ask: Is newer better? Sure, if you're dying of a terrible disease, you can go to a hospital for treatment with modern medicine, but some people still like the idea of using herbs to clear up a sucking chest wound. Who knows what might work? So with that in mind, I have decided to put my very body on the line to help you, fellow jackers, determine just what is the best method of wanking. Do the olden ways stand up to today's modern superjackoffery? Science will tell us!
106 Things You Learn As A Lesbian Porn Star
Everybody knows that Cracked is made up of the world's foremost dick experts. But lately, we've been branching out into other genitalia -- that's why we've become a lot of people's go-to source for looks inside the lives of sex workers. Last year, we wrote an article with male porn star Lance Hart about the insane realities of his job. This year, we sat down with lesbian porn star Lily Cade to learn about working the same field with a different type of plow. Here's what she told us:
96 Famous People Who Did Creepy Things to Their Own Family
Without nepotism, the world would have never known the brilliant acting career of Jaden Smith, the enduring wit and music of Paris Hilton, or the oiled-up butthole of Kim Kardashian. It's an understood tradition for powerful people to find jobs for their relatives, no matter how inappropriate the work might be. However, there are certain jobs that are too inappropriate, such as hiring your cousin to be topless in your new movie or getting your son to stand in on one of your fashion shoots while you grind your butt into his crotch.
And in case you think we just made up those examples ...
85 Filthy Jokes You (And the Censors) Missed in Famous Movies
There's no greater pleasure in life than tricking people into watching smut. Although you have to be smart about it. Inserting, say, an out-of-nowhere dick pic into the middle of a movie would technically accomplish the job, but there's just no finesse to it. No, you have to make the filth a sneaky and (above all else) integral part of your work. Then, when it slips undetected into the audience's mind, that's when you know you've won. A good example would be how the first letters of the previous sentences spell out the word "taint." And from the world of movies, we have such great examples of stealth naughtiness as ...
76 Easter Eggs In Popular TV Shows That Change Everything
We love Easter eggs because they reward dedicated, sharp-eyed viewers with cool stuff like stealthy, series-spanning jokes or a deeper understanding of their favorite movies and TV shows (to say nothing of the money-saving obliteration of their social lives). And these days, if you want to get the most of the show, you have to hunt for that hidden shit. That's where writers are hiding some of the most important stuff. For example ...
66 Things I Learned Having My Penis Surgically Removed
There are a number of things that your stereotypical male never wants to hear over the course of his life, like "We're out of beer," "Your wife saw you," or "That 1975 Camaro you bought in high school is finally beyond repair." But none of those even come close to the horror of hearing a doctor diagnose cancer of the penis. Well, in 2009, that is exactly what happened to Alex Duke. The good news was that doctors caught it early enough to prevent the cancer from spreading throughout his body. The bad news was that it was advanced enough that there was only one option: cutting the poor member off.
Alex woke up from the surgery without cancer, but also without a penis. We sat down with him to ask about losing an enormous (metaphorically) part of his body, and he told us ...
55 Horrifying Fan Theories That Make Way Too Much Sense
Fan theories are like hot dogs: We know they lack any real substance, but we can't stop consuming them because they're fun to eat. Luckily for us, the Internet is a perpetual motion machine that endlessly churns out insane reinterpretations of our favorite movies and TV shows, some of which are way more convincing than they have any right to be.
But while these are supposed to be lighthearted reinterpretations of stories we all know and love, sometimes the theory makes it impossible to ever go back and look at the original the same way -- the fact that they're so logical just makes it worse. As a result, we're now mostly convinced that
45 Terrifying Secrets of Hospital Emergency Rooms
The ER is a place seemingly designed for Hollywood-level drama. It's a big room full of people suffering the after-effects of tragic accidents or the sudden onset of vicious illnesses. You've got mourning families, bullet wounds, people shouting STAT and waving electric paddles.
But what about the men and women who call the ER, well, not home, but at least "the office"? We wanted to know what television leaves out, so we sat down with an ER doctor for a candid look behind the blue, plastic, blood-spattered curtain. She told us ...
36 Reasons Modern Movie CGI Looks Surprisingly Crappy
It's been over two decades since CGI came careening through the silver screen to murder cops, lawyers, and other civil servants in Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park. Since then, both films have been praised for their inexplicably realistic effects, even though both movies have birthed a handful of sequels with much more powerful special effects technology at their disposal. Despite the fact that Terminator Genisys and Jurassic World are brimming with CGI that is objectively more realistic than the original films from the early '90s, so many people (myself included) seem to agree that the effects in the originals look better than the slick computer graphics of the modern sequels. Why do a bunch of us find the photorealistic carnage of the Genisys and Jurassic World trailers so woefully unappealing? The answer isn't dumb nostalgia (well, not just dumb nostalgia) but rather that the best CGI in the world might as well be The Scorpion King if the filmmakers fail to realize a handful of fundamental things about special effects, such as ...
27 Things I Learned Reading Every Issue Of ISIS's Magazine
Sun Tzu, generally considered a reliable source on Good War Ideas, said something along the lines of, "You've got to know your enemy in order to beat him, because some dudes hate being kicked in the junk and others seem to enjoy it." The difficulty we've had defeating ISIS suggests that, maybe, we don't really understand who and what the fuck they are. Everything we hear is filtered through politicians and pundits, each with their own agenda ("You know what ISIS is afraid of? Me, Donald Goddamned Trump!"). Fortunately, it turns out that finding out what ISIS wants is like finding out what a vegan eats: They'll tell you. Which is to say that ISIS has a magazine. No, really. It's an actual glossy, full-color magazine called Dabiq, complete with feature articles and photo spreads. So, in the interest of understanding just what makes these violent lunatics tick, I read through 700-plus pages of this oddly well-put-together propaganda and learned ...
16 Horrifying Facts That Get Left Out Of History
You're walking down the street when a portal opens in front of you, hurling you backward through time. "Damn," you think, "no Netflix. Plus, I'll probably die of polio." But then, you realize that, with your future knowledge, you could rule this place like a king! Perhaps life won't be so bad here after all. That's when you discover ...
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