The Top 25 Cracked Articles Of 2015

25

4 Things In Every Porn You Should Never Do In Real Life

For approximately, oh, the entirety of civilization, we've been pretty bad at teaching people about sex. When you got The Talk from the middle-school woodshop teacher you bought cigarettes from, it probably mostly involved cautionary tales about his wicked case of super-herpes and very little about what people actually do in bed. All we've really got is porn, which is the absolute worst way to learn how to rub genitals together. Porn is a fantasy by necessity. Therefore, sometimes porn stars do things that are so far removed from reality that it actually takes me out of it and I can't even enjoy it anymore, kind of like the Wilhelm Scream in regular movies, but with just so much more dick.

And -- God help us all -- they've shown up on screen so often, people have started thinking those bizarre little porn tropes are what sex is. I beg of you, unless you have your partner's enthusiastic approval and cooperation, do not ever try ...

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24

6 Reasons The Jedi Would Be The Villain In Any Sane Movie

Luke Skywalker, Yoda, Kit Fisto -- they were our heroes growing up. With their lightsabers and Force pushes, the Jedi battled evil and made the galaxy a better place. But did they really? Here are six things about the Jedi that ... look, we're really sorry about this, but we're about to ruin your image of Kit Fisto.

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23

5 Things I Learned Infiltrating Deep Web Child Molesters

22

9 Disney Fan Drawings That Will Murder Your Childhood Joy

For most of us, Disney movies were fun distractions our parents plunked us in front of so they could do the laundry without screaming homunculi getting in their way. But for a select group of people, Disney characters played a crucial role in the development of their sexuality. Like a hot babysitter who was also a giant mouse.

21

5 Disgusting Truths About Every Restaurant (From a Chef)

Everybody knows a waiter with more industrial horror stories than the Hellraiser series. But how much of that stuff is real, how much is embellished, and how much of it was just a hallucination from eating last week's leftover specials? We spoke to Justin Croft, a chef with 15 years of experience in the industry, and John Kolka, another chef with more than a decade of experience, about what really goes on behind the scenes in restaurants. When it comes to food, these guys have seen it all. You haven't. And, to be honest, that's probably a good thing.

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20

5 Celebrities Way More Disgusting Than You

19

How A Pop Band Tricked 9 Million Americans Into Being Nazis

Whoa, things got pretty crazy last week, huh? If you don't recall, in my last column, I implied that Donald Trump is modeling his entire presidential campaign and policy on how the Nazis took power in Germany. Sorry if that seemed like conspiracy theory nonsense and caught some of you off-guard. Also, here's more of it. In fact, maybe buckle up for the next couple weeks or so.

18

5 Stories Everyone Assumes Are In The Bible (But Aren't)

Considering the fact that the Christian Bible is the most popular book in human history, it's surprising how little people know about what's actually in it. Or maybe not -- it's a complicated text compiled over thousands of years, and it's as long as the first five Harry Potter novels combined. Even for an expert, there's a lot in there to process ... and a vast ocean of stuff that isn't in there.

You see, as we've discussed, a whole lot of the stories and characters people associate with the Bible were actually cobbled together from centuries of pop culture and garbled readings of the original. Go grab a Bible from your bookshelf or your nearest hotel nightstand, and you won't find ...

17

6 Movies Based on a True Story That Left Out Important Stuff

Over the years, we've poked fun at a lot of "based on a true story" movies that turned out to be bullshit. But then we thought that maybe we should stop giving Hollywood shit for embellishing history a bit if it lets them tell a slightly better story. So instead, we decided to give Hollywood shit for leaving out mind-blowing details out of their "based on a true story" movies that would have made them even better:

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16

7 Creepy Details In Back To The Future (You Never Noticed)

15

6 Famous Companies You Had No Clue Were Dying

At first glance, some businesses seem completely bulletproof. They've been super successful just short of forever and have made enough money to gas up the average SUV at least twice, so it's ridiculous to think their fate is anything but "keep making money until Galactus turns our planet into poop."

But the truth is, every business eventually is sent to live at the sunny Business Farm upstate, with the cows and the chickens and all your childhood pets. This includes companies that millions upon millions of people still pay attention to. And just because they seem healthy on the outside doesn't mean they aren't decaying into an atrophied, gangrenous lump on the inside ...

14

5 Creepy Real Places That Science Can't Explain

We have more trust in science than ever before. If at any time we come across a phenomenon we just can't explain, we can confidently turn to Neil deGrasse Tyson to tell us what's what, instead of cracking each other's heads open and feasting on the knowledge within. But there are still some places in the world that defy explanation, and while we're not saying these are proof that wizards exist and are screwing with us 24/7, we're still fascinated by ...

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13

5 Helpful Answers To Society's Most Uncomfortable Questions

12

5 Things You Don't Know About Strippers (Until You Are One)

If prostitution is the world's oldest profession, stripping may very well be the second oldest -- it all depends on exactly when the first uptight humans decided people shouldn't walk around with their most enticing bits flopping nakedly in the wind. As soon as clothing became the norm, taking that clothing off became a profitable gig for anyone willing to learn how to do it well.

But despite the venerable legacy of this career, and the utter ubiquity of strip clubs in our modern cityscapes, most people know very little about the realities of dancing naked (or naked-ish) for money. So Cracked sat down with exotic dancers from across the United States: Emily, Laura, Zoey, Layne, Helen, Meredith, and a male stripper named Salvatore. Here's what they told us:

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11

The 4 Best Ways To Jerk Off (According To Science)

10

6 Things You Learn As A Lesbian Porn Star

Everybody knows that Cracked is made up of the world's foremost dick experts. But lately, we've been branching out into other genitalia -- that's why we've become a lot of people's go-to source for looks inside the lives of sex workers. Last year, we wrote an article with male porn star Lance Hart about the insane realities of his job. This year, we sat down with lesbian porn star Lily Cade to learn about working the same field with a different type of plow. Here's what she told us:

9

6 Famous People Who Did Creepy Things to Their Own Family

Without nepotism, the world would have never known the brilliant acting career of Jaden Smith, the enduring wit and music of Paris Hilton, or the oiled-up butthole of Kim Kardashian. It's an understood tradition for powerful people to find jobs for their relatives, no matter how inappropriate the work might be. However, there are certain jobs that are too inappropriate, such as hiring your cousin to be topless in your new movie or getting your son to stand in on one of your fashion shoots while you grind your butt into his crotch.

And in case you think we just made up those examples ...

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8

5 Filthy Jokes You (And the Censors) Missed in Famous Movies

7

6 Easter Eggs In Popular TV Shows That Change Everything

We love Easter eggs because they reward dedicated, sharp-eyed viewers with cool stuff like stealthy, series-spanning jokes or a deeper understanding of their favorite movies and TV shows (to say nothing of the money-saving obliteration of their social lives). And these days, if you want to get the most of the show, you have to hunt for that hidden shit. That's where writers are hiding some of the most important stuff. For example ...

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6

6 Things I Learned Having My Penis Surgically Removed

5

5 Horrifying Fan Theories That Make Way Too Much Sense

Fan theories are like hot dogs: We know they lack any real substance, but we can't stop consuming them because they're fun to eat. Luckily for us, the Internet is a perpetual motion machine that endlessly churns out insane reinterpretations of our favorite movies and TV shows, some of which are way more convincing than they have any right to be.

4

5 Terrifying Secrets of Hospital Emergency Rooms

The ER is a place seemingly designed for Hollywood-level drama. It's a big room full of people suffering the after-effects of tragic accidents or the sudden onset of vicious illnesses. You've got mourning families, bullet wounds, people shouting STAT and waving electric paddles.

But what about the men and women who call the ER, well, not home, but at least "the office"? We wanted to know what television leaves out, so we sat down with an ER doctor for a candid look behind the blue, plastic, blood-spattered curtain. She told us ...

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3

6 Reasons Modern Movie CGI Looks Surprisingly Crappy

2

7 Things I Learned Reading Every Issue Of ISIS's Magazine

Sun Tzu, generally considered a reliable source on Good War Ideas, said something along the lines of, "You've got to know your enemy in order to beat him, because some dudes hate being kicked in the junk and others seem to enjoy it." The difficulty we've had defeating ISIS suggests that, maybe, we don't really understand who and what the fuck they are. Everything we hear is filtered through politicians and pundits, each with their own agenda ("You know what ISIS is afraid of? Me, Donald Goddamned Trump!"). Fortunately, it turns out that finding out what ISIS wants is like finding out what a vegan eats: They'll tell you. Which is to say that ISIS has a magazine. No, really. It's an actual glossy, full-color magazine called Dabiq, complete with feature articles and photo spreads. So, in the interest of understanding just what makes these violent lunatics tick, I read through 700-plus pages of this oddly well-put-together propaganda and learned ...

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1

6 Horrifying Facts That Get Left Out Of History

You're walking down the street when a portal opens in front of you, hurling you backward through time. "Damn," you think, "no Netflix. Plus, I'll probably die of polio." But then, you realize that, with your future knowledge, you could rule this place like a king! Perhaps life won't be so bad here after all. That's when you discover ...

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