Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

Without nepotism, the world would have never known the brilliant acting career of Jaden Smith, the enduring wit and music of Paris Hilton, or the oiled-up butthole of Kim Kardashian. It's an understood tradition for powerful people to find jobs for their relatives, no matter how inappropriate the work might be. However, there are certain jobs that are too inappropriate, such as hiring your cousin to be topless in your new movie or getting your son to stand in on one of your fashion shoots while you grind your butt into his crotch.

And in case you think we just made up those examples ...

6
Vince McMahon Creepily Exploits His Family on National Television for Two Decades

Ethan Miller/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

Any discussion of creepy nepotism in pop culture has to start with legendary wrestling promoter, failed football promoter, and legendarily failed bodybuilding promoter Vince McMahon, who would no doubt want at least one of those three achievements carved into his headstone for all eternity.

WWE
Along with this picture.

McMahon has been casting his family members in prominent roles in the WWE for decades, and he selects each role with the surgical precision of a drunken shotgun blast. For starters, Stephanie, his daughter, has been sexually assaulted in enough wrestling storylines to fill an entire season of Law & Order: SVU.

From getting stripped in the ring ...

... to getting tackled to the ground and kissed by opponents while she thrashes helplessly ...

WWE
The story is scripted. The revulsion is real.

... and often being knocked unconscious so a series of things can be done to her that don't involve consent:

WWE
This is someone's fantasy; we're just scared to ask whose.

To be fair, it's not like Vince has singled out his daughter for this kind of treatment -- he also got his son, Shane, a job as a pro wrestler, despite the fact that Shane has the physical prowess of the Pillsbury Doughboy, and immediately spent every subsequent pay-per-view event trying to kill him. A typical Shane McMahon wrestling match involved the prince of the McMahon empire getting mutilated beyond belief in what looked more like a garbage truck collision than an athletic competition. Shane has been beaten with sticks, dropped off steel cages, thrown through panes of glass, and occasionally a Yahtzee-like combination of the three:

Being turned into a sex object or a cripple on national TV by your father would be a low point for any child, yet those aren't the worst things his family has had to endure. Not even close. That honor belongs to his wife, Linda, who was the last member of the McMahon family to become an on-air personality, though non-wrestling fans may know her as the woman who wasted $97 million on two failed Senate campaigns. Luckily, her time in the WWE had adequately prepared her for public humiliation.

WWE
Shown here, watching her husband mutate into a giant hot dog.

The story begins perhaps the only way it could, with Vince publicly admitting to cheating on Linda in a Howard Stern interview. This gave him the novel idea to write a big wrestling storyline wherein he cheats on his wife with WWE Diva and ludicrously attractive fitness model Trish Stratus. This is another way of saying that Vince scripted a series of televised events in which he got to ferociously make out with a supermodel in front of his wife, who in the storyline was in a coma.

WWE
Once again, that is Vince's wife in the background, pretending to be in a coma.

Vince heroically continued this storyline through the 1990s and well into the 2000s, making sure he never missed out on a chance to grope and tongue kiss the WWE's most attractive young women right in front of his wife on national television.

5
Gary Gygax Uses His Daughter as a Sultry Dungeons & Dragons Model

Gail Gygax

"Sex Sells" is a popular saying in advertising, but difficult to apply when you're trying to sell arguably the least sexy thing that has ever been created. That was the task undertaken by Gary Gygax, one of the creators of Dungeons & Dragons. Back in 1977, no one had heard of this delightful combination of board game and make-believe, so Gygax had to do everything in his power to get the public's attention. Would he appeal to their imaginations? Their sense of adventure? Their fear of outdoor hobbies? Or would he dress his 16-year-old daughter as a casino waitress and snap pictures of her perving out over a Monster Manual?

You already know what he picked. It was that last thing.

Gail Gygax
"Hey, big fella. Want me to read you a passage from Owlbear?"

Monster Manual, the book young Miss Gygax is holding as if it contains Aphrodite's secrets of the sensual universe, is an encyclopedia of creature statistics. Basically, charts and numbers describing the attributes of fantasy monsters, otherwise known as "the exact opposite of sexy." It's several hundred pages of boner-quenching math and unintentionally hilarious illustrations.

Wizards of the Coast
It would be decades before people attracted to this found acceptance online.

To make matters worse, his marketing team, in fonts too ugly for an apartment community newsletter, complemented images of his little girl's barely covered body with suggestive slogans, like "What's in Demand Today" and "Where the Action Is," which, in retrospect, seems more like a question.

Gail Gygax
"It's probably around the corner somewhere. But while you're here, why not buy some dragon bullshit?"

Continue Reading Below

4
John Turturro Has an Old Man Motorboat His Cousin's Naked Breasts for a Role

Evan Agostini/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

You may recognize John Turturro from modern classics like The Big Lebowski and Quiz Show. You may also recognize him as Adam Sandler's weird butler, or the comically inept government agent from the Transformers movies. This may suggest that he has little to no control over his career, but back in 1998, Turturro was sitting as writer, director, producer, and star of Illuminata, a movie completely under his artistic control.

Lionsgate Films
"I picked out the neckties too!"

Back then, John's cousin Aida Turturro hadn't landed many big roles (she was still a year away from becoming a household name thanks to her star-making roles as Tony's sister in The Sopranos and Brenda the exploding radio operator in Deep Blue Sea). Aida and John were as close as brother and sister growing up, and he helped her get started with her acting career. Now that he was at the helm of his own movie, there was nothing preventing John from giving her a big part in Illuminata, right?

Well, as it turns out, he actually had two big parts for her in mind: John cast Aida as a woman who spends 30 seconds of screen time (NSFW link) stroking her naked breasts in front of a weeping old man ...

Lionsgate Films
Two weeping old men if you count the time her father saw this scene.

... tantalizing him until he literally licks his lips in anticipation ...

Lionsgate Films
"I wish my friends were here. Tits are to be shared!"
-Actual dialogue

... and then lunges in and gives her nipples a thorough tongue bath ...

Lionsgate Films
We've pixelated it so you can imagine a dry mustache brushing instead.

... at which point he pauses long enough to look up and ask her if he can call her "mommy."

Again, this is a movie that John Turturro wrote, produced, and directed -- he could have created any role for his cousin that he wanted. So he used his influence to have Aida bounce nakedly around and get motorboated by some blubbery geezer. It's like he made it to the top and thought, "Finally, I can give my cousin the role of her dreams -- playing with her breasts while I watch."

3
A Father Forces His Daughters to Start a Band Because of a Prophecy

via Jot Down magazine

The Shaggs, a group of sisters paving the way for future family acts such as The Bee Gees and Hanson, is known for being one of the worst bands to ever stumble onto a stage. Helen, Betty, Dorothy, and Rachel Wiggin looked every bit as comfortable playing music as a pod of giant alien vegetables trying to disguise themselves as human beings, and their songs are relentlessly terrible. So why the hell did they pursue a career in music?

Well, the short answer is their father forced The Shaggs to be a band because he believed he was fulfilling a prophecy. Don't worry -- the long answer doesn't make any sense either.

The Shaggs
"Hi, everyone! We're The Shaggs! And you can't tell by looking at us,
but we have a bizarre, dark history!"

You see, years before the girls were born, their father, Austin Wiggin, was given a palm reading by his mother. She predicted he would marry a strawberry blonde woman who would give birth to an all-girl band. Not one to question a prophecy, Austin married a redhead and, as was foretold, she gave birth to four girls.

Via Kinds Musik
Pictured: A "strawberry blonde."

Austin had no choice but to force his daughters to take music and voice lessons and sink most of his savings into recording their first (and only) album. He did this all while heroically ignoring the fact that his girls had absolutely no musical talent to speak of.

Arthur kept The Shaggs as isolated from the world as possible, freeing them up to create the world's purest form of music, which wound up being something along the lines of "deep-woods-maniac pop." Each one of The Shaggs' songs sounds like the girls are having a ferocious argument while someone rolls a drum kit down a flight of stairs. They sound like what would happen if a man with no musical talent or knowledge tried to invent rock 'n' roll with three child prisoners. Which is appropriate, because that's precisely what The Shaggs were.

However, even though their lone album is legendarily bad, The Shaggs have been retroactively embraced by the same culture of ironic appreciation that celebrates The Room and Plan 9 From Outer Space. Frank Zappa once said that The Shaggs were better than The Beatles, and collectors have paid up to $500 for a copy of their record. So, in a way, the prophecy of Arthur Wiggins' mother has come true. All because one father had the courage to command his daughters to pursue a career in which they had zero talent or inclination.

Continue Reading Below

2
Ivan Reitman Puts His Son in Kindergarten Cop Just so He Can Kiss a Girl

Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

There is a certain amount of nervousness when you kiss another human being for the first time. Things run through your head like, "Am I supposed to lick each tooth?" and, "Do I steal their breath like the troll from Cat's Eye?" The exciting uncertainty of that moment is a normal part of growing up. But how many of us had to do it while Arnold Schwarzenegger pointed a gun at us?

Universal Pictures
"DO IT! DO IT, YOU SAHNAVAH BITCH!!! KISS HAHR!"

Definitely at least one person -- Jason Reitman, son of famed director Ivan Reitman and now a successful filmmaker in his own right, had his on-screen debut in 1990's Kindergarten Cop. The movie starred Schwarzenegger and was directed by Ivan, who decided to use his Hollywood clout to get his son a proper make-out session, which is in no way weird.

Universal Pictures
He also chose to be present and to film it, which is also in no way weird.

Somewhat distressed that the 13-year-old had yet to lock lips with a girl, Ivan cast Jason in the role of Kissing Boy so he could experience the joy of his first kiss. Never mind that the kiss would be with a girl who was being paid for her time, performed in front of the comforting gaze of a full production crew and Conan the Barbarian. That's just icing on the cake of romance, and Ivan would be damned if his son entered high school as a kissless dweeb.

They had to do eight takes of the scene, technically giving Jason seven retries of his first kiss. If we're being honest, most of us could've used at least one do-over.

1
Stephanie Seymour Casts Her Sons in Her Sexy Photo Shoot

Sebastian Faena/Harper's Bazaar

To celebrate still being hot at 45, supermodel Stephanie Seymour decided to pose for a sexy photo shoot with her two sons, ages 17 and 20. The result is every bit as creepy as it sounds.

Sebastian Faena/Harper's Bazaar
Do you add a comma after the M in MILF when you're talking about your own mother?

The son on the left wearing the neck bandanna and leather pants is Harry, the youngest. The one on the right, looking for all the world like he is about to fuck his mother, is Peter, the eldest. The photo set ran in Harper's Bazaar in March of 2014 and was immediately awarded a lifetime achievement award from the Academy of Unfortunate Boners.

Sagely expecting some kind of backlash, the magazine printed a quote from Peter alongside the images of him crushing his pelvis against his mother's ass while hungrily pulling open her dress: "It's pretty sad to have nothing else to do but go online and write nasty things about people you don't even know." Surely that curbed any comments about the disturbingly Oedipal nature of Seymour's bizarre decision to dry-hump her children for Harper's Bazaar, forcing people to think about their own lives before passing judgment on this time-defying woman and her porcelain offspring.

Sebastian Faena/Harper's Bazaar
"Those people online should be buying this corset and briefs
by Dolce & Gabbana and boots by Tom Ford!"

As you may have guessed, that quote didn't actually prevent anyone from criticizing the photo shoot. If anything, it made the photographs that much creepier, because it implied that Peter knew what he was doing was fucking weird. We suppose we can understand Stephanie wanting to share the spotlight with her equally impossibly attractive children, but man, there's a difference between "candid" and "lacing up your mother's thigh-high sex boots."

Also, you're not doing much to deflate those "mother-son appendage juggling" rumors with photos like these:

celebrity-gossip.net
If this isn't dirty, we're dirty for sharing it.

This is a photo of Peter and Stephanie enjoying a walk on the beach together, which looks a lot like a photo of Peter making out with his mom on the beach. When this admittedly private moment was made public, Peter went on Facebook to quickly deflect any accusations of incest by assuring us that everything was cool, because he's gay and is therefore not attracted to women. He might as well be squeezing his sister's breast, for all the satisfaction he's getting out of that trip to second base with his mother.

Scott E. Baird can be found gushing on Twitter about how Highlander 2 is the best film.

For more baffling Hollywood moves, check out 5 Types of Movie Adaptations That Must Be Stopped and 5 Unwritten Rules Hollywood Needs to Stop Following.

Are you on reddit? Check it: We are too! Click on over to our best of Cracked subreddit.

Spread some family-exploiting ideas to your friends looking to have kids. Click the Facebook 'share' button below.

To turn on reply notifications, click here

1016 Comments

Load Comments