Otherwise, Sputnik wasn't exactly a groundbreaking technological marvel. Sputnik 1 didn't really do anything other than emit a beep every few seconds until its batteries crapped out. Its sole purpose was to be in space first -- much like that peckerhead who posts "First!" in comments sections -- and equally as useless as that same peckerhead. Sputnik 2 and 3 were more practical, but not much more successful: The canine test subject in Sputnik 2, Laika, turned into a doggy roast damn nigh immediately (well, short of the week Soviet scientists first claimed), and any scientific data Sputnik 3 gathered regarding the Van Allen Belt was unverifiable after the satellite's recording equipment shit the bed.

Explorer-I, the American satellite launched just a few months after the original Sputnik, was arguably more technologically important and advanced, as was the 1962 Telstar, the precursor to all modern communications satellites. But, in history, as in car racing, second place is just the first loser.

Why It's Bullshit:

Both sides played up the rivalry, but, in reality, Kennedy and Nixon were on the same team throughout much of their careers. On the issue of communism, they had basically the same voting record in the House of Representatives, earning each a prime spot on Lee Harvey Oswald's hit list. Kennedy wasn't completely sold on commie witch hunter Senator Joseph McCarthy, but voted in support of Nixon's co-sponsored security legislation. He voted with Nixon to continue the controversial House Un-American Activities Committee. JFK personally backed Nixon in his 1950 Congressional bid against a fellow Democrat, and Kennedy's millionaire father likely made it rain on at least one of Nixon's congressional runs.

Even after losing the aforementioned 1960 presidential race, Nixon's nitpicking of Kennedy's policies never amounted to more than splitting hairs. He was silent when it came to Kennedy's infamous defense budget overruns and escalation in Vietnam, which basically amounts to approval. A Nixon presidency in 1960 would likely have played out very similarly on the international stage: Nixon's covert role in overthrowing Chile's government in the '70s is eerily reminiscent of Kennedy's strategy in South Vietnam and Cuba in the '60s -- only, by that time, he had learned how to successfully pop a coup in a motherfucker.

Associated Press
Wait a minute, HAVE THEY EVER BEEN IN THE SAME ROO- oh, nevermind.

On the most critical domestic issue of the era, civil rights, their sincere but hands-off approaches were so uncannily similar that Martin Luther King, Jr. couldn't tell the difference, presumably deciding to back Nixon by flipping a coin. JFK, sensing the importance of the black vote, managed to pull some strings to get King out of jail when he got arrested, and King's last-second endorsement of Kennedy helped secure his narrow victory.

One major sticking point for Nixon was JFK's wiretapping of political rivals, a technique that he would nevertheless famously borrow to disastrous results. It seems one should never discount the political importance of being immensely fuckable.

Bob McNeely/The White House
"'Sup?"

And Ho's fascination with America started long before that. As a student in Paris in 1919, Ho attempted to petition President Woodrow Wilson into pressuring France to release their colonialist grip on Vietnam's balls. Wilson treated the young Ho much like you would a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door while you're trying to watch Game Of Thrones -- a circumstance that may very well have played a substantial role in Ho's turn to communism. "It was patriotism, not communism, that inspired me," he said.

lofilolo/iStock/Getty Images
"Also, Wilson was being a total dick. That was definitely part of it."

Still, Ho never fully lost his lust for American-style freedom. In a speech (prematurely) announcing Vietnam's independence in late 1945, the Vietnamese guerrilla leader/George Washington wannabe quoted from the Declaration of Independence. He had an appreciation for the founding values of America and had even ironically proposed that Vietnam be absorbed (not unlike Puerto Rico or the Virgin Islands) as a U.S. protectorate to ensure no more foreign meddling from France or Japan.

During his (ultimately failed) attempts to woo over his American contacts in the period between WWII and the Vietnam Shitstorm, he bent over backward to ingratiate himself to his American friends like a sniveling intern, even personally overseeing the preparation of American-style roast chicken and hunting down bottles of champagne to serve up at banquets. Just think, the Vietnam War might have been averted altogether had the U.S. taken Ho Chi Minh up on his offer, or at least complimented the chicken.

Jean Leon Gerome Ferris
America: improving foreign relations with food since 1621.

If the United States and Russia could have cooperated with each other, there wouldn't have been any such thing as a Cold War to begin with. For nearly a half-century, the two nations were locked in a bitter contest of strong wills and political supremacy, using everything from nuclear warheads to Olympic medals as points of contention. Yeah, from deciding which tiny third-world countries were ripe for some steppin' on to declaring who had the better goddamn toaster, the two superpowers couldn't agree on anything. Hell, they weren't even talking to each other.

Thomas J. O'Halloran
"Picard!"
"Chekov!"
"Oh, you would say that."

Why It's Bullshit:

Back in the early '70s, the two sides absolutely did cooperate -- most notably in the "War Against Cancer" (yes, everything was a "war" back then), a collaborative effort to isolate the virus that caused cancer. Of course, we now know that the idea of a single, viral cause of cancer is best described as "completely wackadoodle," but making crazy-ass guesses and then proving them true is just how science works sometimes. So, millions of dollars and whatever the hell the equivalent of that is in rubles were tossed at the best and brightest minds on both sides. And in 1972, the Russians discovered the malignant Holy Grail: They had isolated the cancer virus in human cells. The Soviets freely shared their samples with American scientists (who in turn freely shared samples of viruses that they had found to cause cancer in animals).

sumnersgraphicsinc/iStock/Getty Images
"There seems to have been a mistranslation. What do you guys think 'cancer' is?"

That project didn't result in a cancer cure (as you probably guessed -- the virus "discovery" was based on some bad data), but that's just an example of the kind of cooperation that went on behind the scenes. The cancer project was a result of the Lacy-Zarubin Agreement and the Bilateral Health Agreement, which itself was inspired by a joint U.S./USSR vaccination initiative that kicked polio's ass in developed countries on either side of the Iron Curtain. Going back even further, such cooperative ventures were possible thanks to the Soviet Union's return to the World Health Organization in 1956, after an extended hiatus, facilitating the free access to scientists and data across borders to solve global problems.

Even the Space Race, the very poster child of American/Soviet rivalry, managed its fair share of productive working relationships that, in true American fashion (see "former Nazis," #5), resulted in some of the very brightest Soviet space nerds finding their way into Uncle Sam's welcoming embrace. Presumably that made "bring your pet to work day" a thing of the past in the American aerospace industry (see "doggy roast," #5).