As teenagers, we all went through that phase where everything in your house looks like a vagina or a penis, depending on your preference -- it's the one thing American Pie got right about the human condition. Most grow out of that phase eventually, while others start companies devoted to turning everyday items into things you can actually fuck, like perverted MacGyvers. If we keep moving in the direction of the unsettling trend set by these devices, the house of the future will be made entirely out of vibrators. Devices like ...
For those familiar with the singular terror of someone going through your purse when you know there's a sex toy in it, the Screaming O Studio Collection is designed to both prevent and amplify this situation -- because if you buy it, everything in your purse will be a sex toy.
The Screaming O
The words "sexcessories" and "clever" don't belong in the same sentence.
The kit includes vibrators that look like tubes of lipstick and mascara or makeup brushes, which doesn't sound so bad, but then there's the "orgasm-enhancing lip gloss" and "warming and cooling balms disguised as eye shadows." That sort of trickery carries the risk of grave consequences if you mistake your stealth dildo for what it's disguised as. How many embarrassed appointments to the ophthalmologist do you think The Screaming O has been responsible for so far?
The Screaming O
Conversely, how many careless customers have accidentally applied mascara to their pubes?
What the hell is "orgasm-enhancing lip gloss," anyway? Our investigation has only raised more questions. It appears to be basically Carmex, which you'll recognize as No. 7 on the list of things nobody wants anywhere near their genitals. It comes in cinnamon and mint flavors, which are Nos. 5 and 8, respectively.
Concerns about this product quickly turn from functional to ethical and downright existential. What kind of person needs to carry an assortment of vibrators on them at all times? They probably have little need for discretion but plenty for the kinds of meetings held in church basements where you don't learn anyone's last names. What if your friend needs to touch up their blush and you can't stop them before they unwittingly rub your sex toy all over their face? In some cultures, that means you're married now.
In theory, a USB-rechargeable vibrator is actually a pretty good idea. Ask any single woman you know how much money she spends on batteries, and prepare for some soothing shoulder-patting. There's also the bonus of never running out of juice at an inopportune time (that's what husbands are for), but that's really the logical extent of the functionality. The makers of The Duet, on the other hand, figured that if they were going to make a vibrator that looks and acts like a thumb drive, why not make it an actual thumb drive? The answer, of course, is "so many reasons."
Technically, you're the docking station.
The Duet packs up to 16GB of storage, which is more than the devices some of you are using to read this article. To put that in perspective, that's enough to hold every season of Game of Thrones. You should have strong reservations about sticking that in your crotch, though, if only because it seems like a bad omen. Hasn't poor Theon been through enough already? Some of you are thinking, "Shit, 16 gigs is great! I can store half my porn collection!" Which, yeah, makes sense ... until you realize you can't fucking watch the porn while you masturbate.
Extension cable sales skyrocketed after The Duet came out.
The Duet is also waterproof for bath-time fun, making it more convenient than that big toaster you've been sticking into your butt up until now. The 16-gig model is going for $250 right now, though, which is quite a bit more than you would spend to get separate flash drives and vibrators with the added value of not being a giant weirdo.
As far as green energy goes, PornHub's Wankband makes The Duet look like an entirely different kind of Hummer. The Wankband is, well, a band you wear around your wrist while you wank, essentially turning chronic masturbators into perpetual-motion engines.
Goddamn, that Slender Man is sexy.
According to the video that PornHub (naturally) made to explain how it works, "The band contains a valve with a small weight inside that generates and stores energy when moved in an up-and-down motion. ... Now just plug any device you need charged into the USB port on the band -- smartphone, laptop, camera, tablet -- and voila," your very own masturbation circuit. That should be read in the voice of a man whose accent is somewhere between Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and Brad Pitt in Snatch, and whose narration of every other PornHub video would either greatly increase or decrease their quality, depending on your purposes.
Champagne wishes and caviar wet dreams.
As well as the spokesman sells it, rattling off the benefits of "loving the planet by loving yourself" and "turning your jobless roommate into a productive person," we can't help but notice some flaws in their genius plan. For one thing, anyone wearing this ugly item is going to have to significantly lower their standards even to fuck themselves. For another, you're going to sheer your dick skin right off if you hope to store enough power to usefully charge anything.
Ole Spata / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images
Use it to generate light after your power gets cut for wanking too much.
Finally, its design is clearly sexist -- choking the chicken involves a lot more wrist action than rolling the trackball. Come on, PornHub. It's 2015.
We're all for anything that makes getting out of bed in the morning easier, but it seems like this one might backfire -- not literally, we hope. The Wake-Up Vibe is an alarm clock that wakes you up with vibrations (you're killing it with these descriptive names, fuck-merchants), after which you'll probably fall immediately back to sleep. Just set your alarm, stick it in your panties, and get ready to drift out of that dream about your dead grandmother with a shiny new set of issues.
If you leave it on your night table, it's doing at least one of its functions wrong.
It's at least a better part of waking up than shitty cheap coffee, but for almost $100, you might as well just use your smartphone. Look, you're already shoving household objects down your pants; don't get all squeamish on us now. That might even work better -- according to one shameless customer, the vibrations are "weak and buzzy" and "even as an alarm clock, this could fail to do the trick."
Andersen Ross/Blend Images/Getty Images
"Sorry boss, my dildo broke."
Maybe it would help to add a clock radio, although it would probably only play Def Leppard.
Admittedly, there aren't many of you who will find yourselves with the hole this product intends to fill, but if you happen to enjoy both playing guitar and riding your partner around like a pony, The Stockroom has just the thing for the incredibly specific niche you occupy. It's called -- wait, seriously, The Strap? OK, what is it with these names? Why not The Whip Clip? The Dom/Strum? Hire us, sex toy companies.
Behold the "Spandex Hood With Blindfold and Mouth Hole." Not one letter of that is a joke.
Guitar strap by night and sexy restraint by also night, The Strap actually possesses a remarkable array of functions. It can be converted to a "two-, three-, or four-point restraint" -- whatever that means -- a sex sling, a belt, or all of those things plus a collar. This is what Inspector Gadget would use if that were a completely different kind of TV program. According to the product description, this "gets you noticed for all of the right reasons." We have very, very different definitions of those words.
You can also turn it into an emergency dog leash.
And yes, that is THE Dave Navarro of Every VH1 Program fame wearing the product in that photo, because he had a hand in designing it! After all, if you can't trust a Red Hot Chili Pepper to tie you off, then who? In fact, the first 500 specimens sold will be personally autographed and manhandled by Navarro. Maybe wash it before you use it.
Surely we can all agree that the biggest downside of our favorite crotch accessories is that other people aren't putting their dirty hands all over them, but who could possibly refuse a rousing game of chess? Well, everyone, but that hasn't stopped Kiki de Montparnasse -- which is exactly what every one of you would come up with if asked to name the shop that would do such a thing -- from rolling out the chess set of nobody's dreams.
"Now with anus-ready knights!"
The gold-plated, exquisitely polished pawns who have no idea what they're in for are a stunning achievement in classy disguises, but you would have to be Batman to afford them (or possibly want them, given his black fetish). At $7,000, the set costs almost $7,000 more than anything that will definitely end up in a butt should. That seems to defeat the purpose, since there's no way you would leave something so valuable just sitting out. On the other hand, once an unwitting thief realizes what he's gotten his horrifyingly literal sticky fingers on, you can smile with the satisfaction of knowing that you've already exacted the perfect revenge.
Anyway, if you need us, we'll be writing some new Magneto/Professor X fan fiction.
20th Century Fox
"You took my rook."
"Oh, I can take way more than that ..." -X-Men: Lays of Future Past
Manna is available for all your sex toy naming needs on Twitter.
While we're on the topic, check out 10 Sex Toys That Make Your Weirdest Fetish Seem Sane and 9 Utterly Insane Products Released by Famous Brands.