Star Wars -- The Ewoks Ate the Stormtroopers
Star Wars: Return of the Jedi introduced the Ewoks, a race of walking teddy bears whose primary galactic mission was to sell as many action figures as George Lucas could force his foreign labor department to produce. Despite being less than 3 feet tall and possessing the frightened, awestruck intelligence of time-traveling children, the Ewoks managed to destroy the technologically superior Galactic Empire with rudimentary log traps and can-do scrappiness.
A similar accident happened to George Lucas' head prior to filming the prequels.
Thanks to their adorable heroism, the Rebels warm up to the Ewoks and join them in their postwar celebratory banquet, completely forgetting that, at one point, the Ewoks tried to eat Han Solo. It's literally the first thing that happens when they meet him.
The original scene had them stripping him and seasoning him overnight in a special blend of 11 herbs and spices.
The Dark Implication:
The Ewoks totally ate all of the defeated Stormtroopers.
Remember the victory banquet, where the Ewoks sing that annoying song and play the bongos on hollow Imperial helmets?
"Wait, where did you get those ribs you gave us?"
Where did the bodies attached to those helmets go? Look around that campfire -- do you see any prisoners? No, you do not, because we have seen exactly what the Ewoks do with their prisoners -- they ceremonially roast and consume them. They were prepared to eat Luke, Han, and Chewie in celebration of discovering a golden butler robot in the middle of the forest. For all we know, the Ewoks were already planning on eating them before they confused C-3PO for a god, which raises all sorts of unanswerable questions about their belief structure. An event as big as the downfall of the Galactic Empire probably requires the Ewoks to gather up and glaze every dead body on the battlefield for an intergalactic pig pickin'.
Tell us Kenner couldn't have made a kick-ass playset around that.
Miles DuBonnet is the pseudonym of Jeremy Kaplowitz, whose twitter account recently won the 2014 Jeremy Kaplowitz Award for Funniest Twitter Account Ever!
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