The 6 Most Bizarre Safe For Work Fetishes
The Internet has been a miracle for sex fetishists, not just because of the availability of porn in their specific category, but because of how it has broadened everybody's horizons. No matter how weird your turn-ons are, there is always somebody out there into weirder shit.
And as we've pointed out before, there are some people who enjoy fetishes so far removed from the concept of sex that they don't bear to be mentioned together in the same sentence. These are fully clothed, non-sexual images and videos that still serve as wank material for vast audiences of otherwise normal people. So here's a tribute to those who get off on ...
Girls Stuck in Quicksand
This is a perfect example of a nearly "safe for work" fetish -- it requires no nudity or sex, and it in fact involves a situation in which sex would be utterly impossible. It's people who get aroused at the sight of fully clothed women sinking in quicksand:
Often conveyed with top-of-the-line Photoshops.
A cursory search online would reveal tons of sites dedicated to compiling clips from various sources of girls drowning in quicksand, and then there are the niche video sites dedicated to providing original content (there probably is a booming industry in quicksand pit installation these days). On those sites, elaborate storylines are created to justify how these lovely ladies came to be trapped in the unforgiving, bottomless pit of certain-yet-sexy death.
It starts with the cable guy showing up to fix her box and ends with him pulling her to safety with a length of co-ax.
So ... maybe the quicksand thing triggers some "damsel in distress" response in the brain's boner cortex? If there's anything lonely Internet tough guys love, it's sitting behind their keyboards visualizing all the many ways they would totally jump in and save the unfortunate lady fake drowning in a boggy marsh. But the fact that they're jerking off to the "trapped and terrified" part, rather than the sexy rescue, really puts a darker spin on the whole thing. We'd prefer not to think any more about it.
We prefer our mud with a lot more "wrestle."
Although we should note how many people on YouTube keep asking if the women in the quicksand actually drowned in the videos.
Sample YouTube Comment:
close your eyes and let your mind do the rest
Girls Licking Doorknobs
Japan's perversity is one of the longest running jokes on the Internet, but the explanation behind it is fairly straightforward: Japanese porn censorship laws are some of the most draconian out there, and they simply force people to be more creative about what they masturbate to. And, as anybody with a porn addiction can tell you, in order to keep things fresh, you have to get a bit weird. Japan, always on the cutting edge of innovation, simply took this idea and ran with it all the way to Planet Dick Tentacle, which brings us to these images of girls licking doorknobs.
Let my love open the door.
Now, let's be clear: Men (and presumably some women) get turned on by the sight of females licking anything. The curse of being a woman is knowing that you can't eat an ice cream cone or a banana in public without several nearby males achieving a state of semi-arousal. But ... doorknobs? You don't have to be a germaphobe to know that these are the filthiest surfaces in your entire house, the toilet included. Is that the turn-on here? That the women are made to lick something crawling with more bacteria than a Taco Bell? Is it just supposed to be degrading?
But again, absolutely no nudity of any kind is involved in the doorknob fetish, although they do mix it up from time to time: There are images of girls in glasses licking doorknobs, girls in school uniforms licking doorknobs surrounded by candy, and so on.
Oh, like you've never gotten funky fresh on a pile of tennis balls.
The trend is a fairly big deal in Japan, even getting featured on national television. The closest we can figure is that the audience is imagining the woman kneeling down to perform oral sex on a robot, who has shoved his metal dick through the door.
Robots have all the fun.
Here's a slideshow featuring a nice variety of doorknob lickers, although some of these women seem reluctant to fully commit (there seem to be a lot of closed mouths and tongues that are almost touching the knob, glancing off screen as if to say, "Really?").
Sample YouTube Comment:
WTF serously,,, Why am I HARD from that!
Inflatable Rubber Suits
Remember the scene in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory where Violet Beauregarde eats some forbidden candy and blows up like a balloon? And then they have to just roll her out of the room? Well, apparently some people can't watch that scene without becoming inexplicably aroused.
This fetish is pretty similar to balloon fetishes, or maybe it's the opposite, because instead of popping the balloon, you are the balloon.
You can't see the boner, but you know it's there.
Researchers have yet to determine what exactly it is about inflatable rubber suits getting filled with air that turns people on, but we have to admit that putting one of those on and just bouncing around would be fun as hell. It'd be kind of like the animals in this video:
The suits are often double-layered and designed in such a way that the outer layer gets filled with air and expands, while the second suit compresses and squeezes against the unfortunate (or fortunate, we guess) person enclosed within. So maybe that's it? It's like a full-body air massage? Either way, thanks to the Internet, we know there are a whole bunch of people who are into it:
We can't imagine why the Gimp never made it into the regular Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon lineup.
And since there is no fetish that can't be made more alarming with the addition of furries, sure enough there are inflatable suits made to look like cows, raccoons, and even dragons.
We literally can't figure out what all of those body parts are supposed to be.
Inflatable suits are quite expensive, but the guys on this forum are helpful enough to provide DIY tips on how to build your very own personal sex blimp. Now, if one of these springs a leak, do you go zipping around the room making that farting sound?
Sample YouTube Comment:
The tail doesn't inflate?
Nose-Picking, Snot-Eating, Sneezing
Nasophiles, as scientists choose to call them, are turned on by the sight, shape, and (bizarrely enough) thought of making love (somehow) to noses.
We know we should be grossed out, but we can't help but laugh at the thought of nasal, congested moaning.
There are basically two groups of nose enthusiasts. The first is those who are turned on by the shapes and sizes of noses and nostrils. This group gets off on watching weird videos of human noses transforming into noses of animals and other weird objects, and of fondling noses. Like this:
The second group gets turned on by watching people sneezing or picking and/or eating snot out of their noses. Here, let's let one enthusiast describe it in his own words:
"Ever since I can remember I have been turned on by seeing/watching a girl or woman pick their nose. It started sometime in my teens. I would see the occasional lady in a car or a girl at school pick and I would get a quick erection.
"As I grew older I thought it would be great to marry a lovely woman that picked her nose. I remember when I was dating my wife, I caught one of her roommates picking her nose. I thought, Wow, if my girlfriend would only pick. Well, we ended up getting married, and it finally happened. It was on a Sunday afternoon and we were taking a nap. She woke up before me and started to read a book. I woke up and didn't move but opened an eye and looked over and there she was picking away! It gave me an instant erection."
"Who needs the strip club? I get all the action I want right here."
And then there are the sneeze aficionados. For them, the unrestrained release of energy that occurs during a sneeze, as well as the facial expression that goes with it, turns them on to no end. Oddly, this is the one that's easiest to get -- the involuntary spasm and release of fluid is physiologically like a mini orgasm (and sneezes do trigger orgasms in some women -- Google it!).
It certainly would make a head cold more entertaining.
Sneeze fetishists are a truly picky bunch, so not every type of sneeze will do. Some prefer the dry sneezes triggered by allergies, while others are turned on exclusively by the heavy sneeze associated with a cold. According to some, the sensation right before the act of sneezing is almost like foreplay, grabbing the tissue is likened to taking out your condom, and the act of cleaning yourself up after the sneeze is absolutely like cleaning up after sex.
Sample YouTube Comment:
kan u keep makin these bekuz they r sooo much better than havin to skip from vid to vid thnx
So there appears to be a whole range of fetishes based entirely on things that would kill the mood for someone else -- somebody blowing gross snot out of their nose, dying horribly in the jungle, etc. It's like that's the point -- how crazily removed these things are from traditional turn-ons. For instance, when you think of knitting or wool, you picture grandmothers in rocking chairs making adorable hats and sweaters for their grandchildren. And sure enough, there are guys who find that unspeakably erotic.
Footie pajamas are not as erotic as you seem to think they are.
The wool fetish community is a close-knit one (ha!), and they prefer to call themselves "woolies." Woolies are really big on the quality of the fabric used to knit the wool. It cannot be just any wool off the streets -- nothing but the best will do. But that makes sense if you're encasing your entire goddamned body in it:
Hope you get turned on by static cling.
The fetish can range from women just preferring to wear turtleneck sweaters to people being completely encased in wool outfits to people who practice "mummification," which is where they will completely wrap themselves -- particularly their heads -- in wool blankets. Which you'd think would make it somewhat difficult to breathe and live and so on, but since when has that stopped anybody?
And in case you're wondering, yes, you can find "wool condoms" that helpfully note that they cannot be used as a form of birth control. What? Why not?
Sample YouTube Comment:
i can understand loving wool but wouldnt that get hot?
This fetish is known as forniphilia, and it involves tying up your significant other and using them as a piece of furniture for hours on end. Pretty straightforward, really.
There's no way that can be good for your back.
On one hand, we totally get role-playing -- half of the people you know have probably played a nice round of "sexy firefighter rescues sexy French maid" as a prelude to vigorous porking. And lots of people enjoy role play that involves submission or domination, 50 Shades-style. But it seems like the role-playing lacks some of the thrill when one of the partners is playing the role of an inanimate object.
"Now sit by me and read a book for, like, an hour ... yeah ... that's HOT."
But maybe that's part of it -- it's a form of bondage and/or S&M where people "punish" their mate by making them pose for long periods of time as things like coat racks or even ironing boards. (Helpful hint from a forniphiliac: Set your iron to the "low" setting if you want your slave to get a warm massage, or to "max" if you're sadistic.) Here is an account of someone who enjoys being human furniture (spelling and grammar corrected):
"Being human furniture at a party for ladies can be quite amusing. I once was a chair on all fours and the ladies used me as their seat. It is not very hard, even if two ladies sit on my back, but in this position, which is quite convenient, I could watch the whole party and all the ladies, although I mostly could see only their legs and feet.
"A little more uncomfortable is being a footstool under the table because in this position I could see nothing but feet. A series of women were placing their feet on my back and even my neck, and some wanted to have their feet kissed. I only could see feet and not the person. But it is a nice kick, and women seem to love it."
Sample YouTube Comment:
I wish I could be the one to get kicked like that.
Related Reading: We've been depraved sickos for a while. Did you know tentacle rape dates back to the 18th century? And if you think quicksand is an impractical fetish, wait'll you see car-fucking. Some fetishes make a surprising amount of sense, though: obsessing over feet is most common during massive STD outbreaks.
Nobody has an owl fetish, because owls are incredibly dumb.