If you're a soldier, an architect, a police officer, or any kind of medical professional, you're already used to Hollywood completely mangling the reality of your job. Research takes time. And every second spent studying real military tactics is a second not spent inventing new things for Vin Diesel to ramp. It seems like a fair trade-off, until a few decades go by and you wind up with a world full of law students who think their future job will be an even mix of inspiring speeches and blow jobs in the judge's chambers.
Cracked is here to reverse that trend.
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Everyone knows that judges always fall for the bailiff anyway.
Some of our best articles have been based on the personal experiences of our writers. In this article, contributor Steven Hiller busted some incredibly persistent myths about military life. Bryan Guidicianni wrote this wonderful piece about the realities of growing medical marijuana, and Mara Wilson's inside perspective on child stardom blew a hole in the Internet wide enough for even mainstream news sites to see through.
Each day, millions of people read this website. You work as doctors, strippers, commercial pilots, and bouncers. You have had crazy experiences moving to a new country. You know things about your situation that no movie has ever touched on. Or maybe you do something critical, but too obscure for Hollywood's lazy eye: repairing interstate power lines, monitoring infection patterns at the CDC, or lighting mighty beacons that keep the snow yetis at bay. Whatever crazy thing you do at work or in life, we want to hear about it.
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Battalions of our finest nerds are standing by.
If you're not a writer, that's fine -- we're not even looking for fully formed articles here. If you think your life or job is unique, click that link and tell us why. We have a team of writers and researchers standing by to sift through your life for sweet, sweet comedy gold. If your experiences lead us to an article, we will give you money.
"But what about me?" you ask, knowing we've long ago bugged your computer microphone, "I don't do anything interesting. My friends / family are the interesting ones."
If that's the case, give them this link. Pester them to share their story. Emphasize that we want nothing but some facts about their job, and we'll pay good money if we use that info. We won't give out their name or place of employment without permission, and all contributors have the right to anonymity.
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Even you, Dick Chadinsworth of 444 Baymeadow Drive.
Click it and help us become the opposite of Hollywood. But, y'know, with lots of money still.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.