So You Want to Be an American: 5 Circles of Immigration Hell
Hard core anti-immigration types in places like, say, Arizona, say it's not about racism. It's the fact that the people crossing the border are breaking the law. Sure, America is awesome, but the country lets in a lot of immigrants through nice legal channels, right? Why don't these Mexicans just try it that way?
Well, having gone through immigration myself in 2009 (the legal way), I can tell you right now there's a reason. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying breaking the law is the way to go. But I am saying that when you make the legal pathway to something long, baffling and infuriating enough, many people are going to skip it in favor of the easy option. Even if choosing that option makes them a criminal.
So are you part of the huddled masses, yearning to breathe free as an American? Prepare yourself for...
Step 1:
The Application
Time: 3-6 months
Cost: $1,000
As a bright-eyed Australian starting my immigration journey, I looked forward to my dealings with the American government. After all, these guys are powerful enough to run the whole world, right? Surely that whole operation must run pretty smoothly.
Look at how short those lines are!
I studied the instructions using my best American Bureaucracy to English dictionary. I carefully ticked the "no" box on the question asking "Are You A Terrorist?". I accordingly prepared all the pieces of information that the Department of Homeland Security requested: my original birth certificate, proof of citizenship, lists of every address I've ever lived at, details of every employer I've ever worked for, a police check, a dozen passport-sized photos, affidavits, a stack of financial documents. No problem.
I sent it all in with the several hundred dollars of "processing fees" and knew it would take 3-6 months for them to process it.
I was rejected.
It turned out my initial application was returned because, while I had attached a police certificate that proved I didn't have a criminal record, I hadn't attached fingerprints. Apparently, according to the DHS, the Australian police force is not yet advanced enough to have thought of prosecuting crimes using fingerprints. The Americans, therefore, needed a set of prints to make sure I hadn't got away with any crimes that had slipped past my homeland's investigation system, which consists mostly of shoving suspects against walls and yelling "YOU CALL THAT A KNIFE?" until someone confesses.
The Aussie equivalent of Huckleberry Finn.
Fine. Do it again, fingerprints attached this time. Now we advance to...
Step 2:
The Fuck-Up
Time: 3 months
Cost: $100-$1,000
When it comes to the American immigration process, there will always be a fuck up. With this much paperwork, this many incomprehensible instructions, and a DHS workforce that apparently spends all its time arranging competitions about which immigrant hopeful sent in the funniest passport-sized photo, this is inevitable.
Oh, France.
But here's the important part: No matter who makes the mistake, it's up to you to solve it.
In my case, the fuck up was performed by a border guard, who forgot to take a piece of paper from my passport which proved I'd left America after an earlier visit and hadn't overstayed my visa. This kind of thing is quite common. Once I figured out what had happened, I frantically collected the mountain of paperwork that would prove that I had indeed returned to my country (credit card records, work transcript, plane ticket stubs, etc) only to find that the office in Kentucky that I sent the proof to would not confirm that it had received this proof for another three months.
Note that this is not the waiting time for them to process the documents and decide whether they're adequate, but the waiting time for somebody to wander into the mail room, pick up the envelope, and confirm that it is in fact there.
"We'll get to reading mail when we're done sitting awkwardly and grinning."
Me, I never heard back from them. To this day, I'm not sure if they ever received the proof. The problem was either sorted out, or the mistake itself was lost in the bureaucratic incompetence, and I'll be suddenly deported eight years from now.
I hope the man who arrests me has a better mustache.
Step 3:
The Medical Check
Time: 2-3 weeks
Cost: $1,000
Once your application is in and all fuck ups are sorted out, it's time to start on the medical check, a process that makes sure you're worthy to enter the sterile and disease-free clean zone that is modern America. This check usually consists of a general exam, a chest X-Ray for tuberculosis, a blood test for STDs, and proof of past vaccinations.
"Sorry, but we don't do STD tests on old people. It's icky."
Well, can't complain about that. The last thing America needs is the French wandering in with plague rats nesting in their suitcases. And, okay, there also is the fact that they assume the doctors you have in your filthy koala-infested country have no idea what they're doing so you can only see one of their approved doctors to do the exam. In fact, in my home state of 400,000 square miles and 1.5 million people, there was exactly one doctor deemed trustworthy by DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano to check me for disease. This means that the sole America-approved doctor, knowing he has a monopoly and you don't have a choice, will charge several hundred dollars to listen to your chest and ask you a couple of health background questions.
Cracked.com: The only website courageous enough to openly say that Janet Napolitano has Man Hair.
But you can never be too careful when it comes to disease, right? Well, the thing is, at the time I embarked on my medical check, I had already spent three months in America on a "tourist" visit, meaning that I didn't need to apply for a visa or do anything other than show up in LAX with a passport.
During those three months, I'd had ample opportunity to breathe the air, cough on people with my foreign, disease-infested lungs, and share used needles with schoolchildren while bleeding openly into the water supply. Had I wanted to, I could have disappeared inside the borders and stayed on as an illegal, inflicting my unvaccinated self on the country for all time.
Average Foreigner.
Despite this, America was only interested in protecting her citizens from my foreign germs when I actually applied for a visa to immigrate legally. In other words, the socioeconomic class that can actually afford the time and money to pay for the legal immigration process, the ones who are most likely to be healthy, vaccinated and non-consumptive, are the ones whose health and germs America worries most about. Doesn't that make you feel safer?
I'm sorry but why does it need to be easy to become a citizen in the United States? You're applying to live in a country that has it's own problems with overpopulation, failing school systems, a national debt and hundreds of other problems. Most likely, they don't want you there. While yes, the country was built on immigration, now it is only crippled by more and more people trying to get in. Sure the steps may seem ridiculous but they are there to make sure you really want to be a part of the country, and, frankly, whether or not you're going to be a useful member of society or just another deadbeat, which the country has it's own share of. There are hundreds of thousands that apply for citizenship each year and the government staffs itself with under-qualified and underpaid employees so of course there are going to be screw-ups. If you want easy, immigrate to Canada.
ReplyI truly envy those who were fortunate to be born in the USA.
ReplyMaybe I was particularly lucky, but I didn't find any of those problems. Actually I was annoyed to see how easy the process was. The day I went to take my citizenship exam there were about 500 people in line... only two of them (a guy from Haiti and I) chose to take it in English, the rest were allowed to take it in their native languages. For the other tests, most of them just memorize every question phonetically and are approved without knowing any English at all.
ReplyGlad I was born here because if I had to go through all this bullshit I'd probably just hop the border illegally too...
ReplyDid he mention that many times you have to have a sponsor in the States? Not the person you're planning to marry (or to whom you are already married), not your future or current employer in the US, not your Uncle Dave who navigated this legal labyrinth ten years ago and who now lives in Chicago. Your sponsor must be a US citizen by birth with a completely clean criminal record who is able to pass the same background checks you will undergo during the immigration process. This person must also make in excess of $65,000 (last time I checked, probably more now) in order to qualify. I imagine the process could be made more difficult, but only if it involved putting out every single firework in Disney World's nightly extravaganza with a moistened cotton ball. In fifteen minutes. And no fair rewetting the cotton ball, either.
ReplyGyah!!! Having a gay marriage with a Filipina so she can get her green card is going to be a lot harder than I thought. >.
ReplyI love everybody, so I'll marry her for you
Being that immigrating to another country is neither a right nor entitlement, I don't see why countries need to make it easy.
ReplyYour false premise aside, how would it be a good idea to make something more difficult, more expensive, and more inefficient?
They don't have to make it easy, but do they have to make it ridiculous?? "because the application process is a dark labyrinth in which God has suspended reason and logic, where you will, for instance, be asked to supply a photocopy of a document, and then later told that copying said document is illegal."
I tried to get in to America just as Egypt was rioting against its president. I'd been to Egypt two years earlier and the guards were sure the stamp in my passport meant I'd somehow been part of it. They thoroughly grilled me, but as soon as they were convinced I wasn't a government-overthrower, it was all, "Hey, welcome to America! Enjoy your stay!"
ReplyI love you crazy yanks.
Shit, being involved in upsetting the government of a vaguely "middle eastern" country was the only reason I'm allowed to stay in the country.
Shortly before the s**t hit the fan, I went backpacking in Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Turkey and Iran. If I ever have to go to the US for any reason, I will be "losing" my current passport and applying for another one.
Anyone get an ad for the Department of Immagration at the end?
ReplyYep. Really tied the whole thing together.
They really ought to streamline that process and make it free. Its the f*****g US government, they can take up the cost of processing some paperwork. I know that sounds idealistic, but it can't be that f*****g hard or consequential to take out a step or two of that process
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesSilly human. The words "streamlined" and "US government" don't belong in the same sentence together
Obviously you have never been to the DMV.
Perhaps they could... but you really expect them not to use the chance to make money?
No, they can't make it streamlined because that would be to easy. It has to be ridiculously complicated silly goose.
One of my friends has been here from taiwan for about 12 years now on a green card, and due to a bureaucratic slipup in the INITIAL handling phases, they've left his family's application in limbo for the past 7 years or so. He could hypothetically become a citizen at any moment... or be deported. Fun!
ReplyIf ICE is anything like the local, state and federal agencies I've applied to and worked for, there is a lot of sitting around and general work avoidance. I have little reason to believe that they aren't as lazy. If you want to save tax dollars, ALL of these agencies need to be investigated. Too many people doing too little, getting too many benefits and too much money.
ReplyYou're using too too much, too.
Hmm...Why yes, I did infact massacre a group of people in yougoslavia during the wars, but that was as a mercinary under orders from the U.S. president, so I think I should be able to skip most of these steps, actually.
ReplyIf this isn't true, well, f**k you. But if it really is this hard to immigrate to the U.S., no wonder so many mexicans don't want to deal with that s**t and just come here illegally. I sure as hell would if I had to deal with all that bullshit seeing as I can barely be bothered doing the paperwork to get registered to vote.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI've heard some people before say "I don't have a problem with foreigners, as long as they're here legally" but I'm honestly pretty sure most of us in the U.S. have no idea how the system actually works. It could involve having to fight 2 terminators to the death with a toothbrush and people wouldn't have any idea, primarily because people straight up don't give a s**t unless whatever the issue is so happens to affect them. Plus people get kicks out of hating on others, and foreigners have always been a favorite target so it's not like it surprises me that the gov. has laws that are in place to make it as hard as possible for people to come here legally.
If my friend's attempt to emigrate to Israel is any indication, this is exactly how it works. She went through a non-profit that specializes in helping Jews migrate to Israel, so you'd think they'd be nice and efficient. She's had to recover her paperwork from layer after layer of bureaucracy, and had to mail 3-inch thick envelopes of personal documents to three different people because each one swore they never got it from the others. Her heritage was questioned, her motives were questioned, and at one point she was flat-out told that she wasn't welcome in their country. Then one of the customer service reps from the home office took her straight to Step 5 by giving her step-by-step instructions on how to obtain, use, and violate a travel visa. Remember "The Incredibles," where Jack gives an old lady some thinly-veiled advice on how to penetrate the bureaucracy? Yeah, they basically did that. She hasn't gone through with it yet, but I'd bet it's pretty tempting by now.
I just went through this exact process. I am originally Canadian and I met my wife (American) while I was studying law here in the US. The process that he describes only touches on about half of the pain that is submitting yourself to the US immigration system. Heck, for a year I couldn't even go home to visit my family for Christmas because it would jeopardize my pending status.
Because emigrating to any other country isn't just as hard. England will straight up kidnap and murder your ass.
Hopefully immigrating from America to Canada isn't as hard,
ReplyI immigrated to Canada to study and it was just as difficult and expensive. And they only give me one year at a time. So, for the next six years, I have to go about making sure I don't get deported the next year. It feels like I'm borrowing my time from a loan-shark I can never pay back. That's what I get for not having the good judgement of being born here!
ReplyOhhh damn, Mr./Mrs. Coville. I really am sorry. Please know that we're not all like that. And if you're ever around, you all do have a place here in the western U.S. You're all welcome here at my place...
ReplyErr... You are white AND an Aussie, yet you got rejected. Damn.
ReplyI heard it was easiest for white and English, though I'm not quite sure if that is actually fact.
Oh, bureaucracy.
Replyi used to work in a dhs office in kentucky, most likely the one he is refering to in this article. the author has obviously been through the process because this is exactly how it goes
Reply