Cracked Round-Up: Our 2013 Resolution Edition

Moderation- or, rather, lack thereof- is the chief reason most New Year's resolutions fail. People start by going whole hog with some new diet and then end up exhausting their willpower and burning out. When you fail in as many crusades for self-improvement as we have, you learn this sort of thing.

So this year, rather than make impossible promises to ourselves, we've set a simple goal: transition from our crippling addiction to horse tranquilizers over to a much healthier addiction to human tranquilizers. And maybe the odd box of cat drugs tossed in there for good measure. It won't be an easy road, but with the help of our good friends "liquor" and "morphine" we feel confident in our eventual success.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement


Just in time to miss gift-giving season, Brendan McGinley released the worst gift catalog possible. Adam Brown kept the "bad decisions" theme alive with a look at alcohol ads that confirm your worst drinking fears. Bucholz listed the top seven Things of all time while Gladstone explored meaningless popular excuses. Gladstone followed himself up with the appropriately titled "5 Obnoxious Things That Won't Go Away in 2013". John Cheese discussed the excuses that stop us from growing up, before Brockway told a story of vigilante justice from his childhood. Felix Clay closed us off with office pranks that went awry.

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement


SEXY IGNORANCE
The 6 Craziest Beliefs Entire Cultures Have Held About Sex
Pregnancy seems pretty straightforward to us, because doctors have had the physical aspects of it pretty well nailed down for the last couple of centuries. But imagine there was no such thing as "medical science". You'd have dreamed up some crazy-ass explanations for the whole "person factory" thing too.


Notable Comment: "I thought female orgasms were just urban legends!"

CorneliusFunk will die alone.




HEALING SLOTH
5 Medical Breakthroughs That Make Life Shockingly Easy
We're going to need a stronger word for "lazy".


Notable Comment: "I'm on propranalol right now. Just sitting back and waiting for the anti-racism to set in...."

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

If it were that simple, mm_minty, there are a couple of cities where we'd just as soon add this to the water supply.



FOLLOW UP FUCKERY
The 6 Most Baffling Video Game Spinoffs
Because nothing pays honor to the legacy of a great game like cashing in on its name recognition to push crazy bullshit.


Notable Comment: "And yet another way to get a jab at the Sonic franchise. Like that hasn't been done before."

KoolCartoons sleeps with his thighs curled around a worn-out Dreamcast every night.



CRAZY CONFLICTS
11 Old War Photographs You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped
War: Sometimes it lives up to the hype.
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement

Continue Reading Below

Advertisement



Notable Comment: "The leftmost guy in the "Wehrmacht crossdressing" picture is making a freaking duck face."

We won the war, zeGermann. But at what cost?



FOOD PROBLEMS
5 Shocking Side Effects of Foods You Eat Every Day
Y'know, it might just be better to filter nourishment out of the air like some sort of reverse whale.


Notable Comment: "Sooo, I should drink before I go to school?"

Yes reaperdeath, but if you weren't already than nothing we say can convince you to act like a reasonable student.





Today's Topic
Why the Good Guys in Star Fox are on a Suicide Mission
None of them are getting out of that war alive.
Continue Reading Below

Advertisement



YOU YOU YOU!
31 Great Things Ruined by Misspelling a Single Letter
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, How Fictional Technology Would Suck in Real Life, Tiny Mistakes that Lead to Huge Disasters, If Facebook Photos Came With Subtext Labeled and Realistic Reactions to Famous Movie Lines.
To turn on reply notifications, click here

5 Comments

Load Comments

More Articles

5 Screwed-Up Secrets The Ultra-Rich Don't Want You To Know

You don't make astonishing amounts of money without ending up a jerk in some way.

229

5 Incredible Movie Facts (That Are Actually Total BS)

The stories we tell about movies are as important as the movies themselves.

95

5 Crazy Statistics That'll Change How You Think Of Crime

Criminal behavior can be influenced by some very weird, seemingly random factors.

156

5 Billion-Dollar Industries That Treat Workers Like Garbage

Even our most popular forms of entertainment can treat their employees like absolute trash.

248

5 Huge Scandals With Crazy Details The News Barely Mentioned

The news spent weeks reporting on these giant scandals without bothering to mention the stupidest parts.

124

6 Iconic Movies And Shows That Were Outright Ripoffs

Even Hollywood couldn't deny these films were total thievery.

123