The 9 Most Unnecessary Gadgets Money Can Buy
In a world where blankets with sleeves can create millionaires, it's no wonder inventors and businessmen are locked in a race to develop the next big thing in the lucrative "They really pay money for this?" industry. We don't hold that against them -- the entire world economy runs on that crap.
What's harder to comprehend, though, is how they poker-facedly try to sell us gadgets that actually manage to complicate the task they're intended to help with. Like ...
The Wine Glass Holder Necklace
Apparently, there is a type of person whose weak arm strength constantly stands in the way of their social alcoholism. Manufacturers have rushed in to cater to the needs of this small, sad segment with a variety of holders that suspend your drink from your neck.
Or it might be tiny underwear for your glass. We're not sure.
Apart from the obvious fact that using this product makes you look like a particularly boozy latchkey kid, there are just so many things that can go wrong here. You're placing a glass of notoriously staining substance in the immediate vicinity of your best wine-sippin' shirt, swinging in a pendulous, spill-seeking motion at the slightest movement of your body. Literally anyone at the party -- and we generously assume you're at a party instead of using this thing at home alone -- can trip and fall on you, shattering the glass and perforating your sternum with a hundred shards of chardonnay-flavored pain. Though the one thing you don't have to worry about is anyone trying to hug you. Ever again.
Ever wanted to know what it's like to be pitied by career alcoholics? Now you can!
Even if you manage to dodge all the other pitfalls provided by the product, there's this: How the hell do you drink from this thing? Do you wrestle the glass from the contraption every time you want a sip? Do you use a long bendy straw? Or bring the thing to your lips with strings attached, making you look like the world's only drinker with training wheels?
The Snowball Maker
Everyone loves a good snowball fight. It's just that the actual making of snowballs can be a bit of a bastard. You know: Taking the snow in your hands, squeezing it just so until it reaches the perfect shape and hardness for some kickass winter warfare ... no, sorry, that's actually the best part.
Regardless, there are people who view it as a terrible nuisance, or maybe find themselves constantly frustrated with the poor quality of their snowballs. These people are the masterminds behind the Sno-Baller snowball maker, an unholy, plier-like contraption that seems way more likely to take a person's eye out than the snowballs it produces.
The balls are pleasantly round, though.
Even the manufacturer seems to realize that this is something no kid in history has ever needed. Therefore, Sno-Baller's selling point is not that the balls are easier to make with it, but that the balls it makes are soft and "disintegrate on contact."
So, not only will your kid be the joke of the neighborhood, but he won't even be able to shut his mockers up with a neat, properly squeezed hardball.
To complete his humiliation, insist that he use the Snofling Throwing Stick.
Ham Dogger Hot-Dog-Shaped Hamburger Maker
You know that awkward situation where you want to make both hot dogs and burgers but just can't stand the idea of fashioning hamburger into patties? Of course you don't. Nobody does. But don't let that sobering fact on to the people behind the Kitchen Art Ham Dogger -- the revolutionary product that molds hamburger into a hot dog shape.
We guess someone in the annals of history might've faced a situation where they only had hot dog buns, yet absolutely needed to have hamburgers right the hell now. But even then, that shape happens to be the easiest shape to mold anything into. We're not kidding -- give a 4-year-old some Play-Doh and watch him immediately roll it on the table into a sausage shape.
Thanks to the Ham Dogger, Steve is no longer ashamed of his ham dogs!
The Dipr Cookie-Dunking Utensil
One evening, as inventor Bobby Haleluk was dipping a cookie in milk, he mistimed the dunk and the cookie fell into the milk. He fell to his knees and howled a big "NOOOOOO" at the uncaring sky, enraged that the universe could be so cruel.
The next day, he created the Dipr.
And on the seventh day, He made them in wacky animal shapes.
From the unnecessarily hip name to the design that makes it look worryingly like a dentist's instrument, it's clear that the Dipr has some way to go if it wants to become the Next Big Thing. The fact that it manages to overcomplicate the only task it's suitable for -- dunking Oreos -- doesn't help matters.
Here's how dunking works normally: You take the cookie. You dip it in milk. You eat it. With the Dipr, you take the cookie. Then, you go find your Dipr in your kitchen's bullshit drawer. Then, you painstakingly attach said cookie to the hook of the Dipr. Then, you awkwardly use the Dipr for the dunking. And then ... well, we're not actually sure about the next step. Are you supposed to remove the Oreo from the Dipr before eating, creating an additional step where you will almost certainly drop the cookie? Or do you stick it in your mouth still attached, thus stabbing the inside of your cheek with that hook thing?
"Do you want to know how I got these scars?"
The Lime Bomber Lime Wedge Bottle Insertion Tool
To all the people out there fighting a daily, hopeless fight to get that wedge of lime into your Mexican beer, let us be the bringer of salvation: The Lime Bomber is here.
What do you mean, you've been doing it with your finger all these years, without the aid of a special tool that presumably must be kept in some kind of holster? Well, you must be some manner of professional.
For the rest of you mortals, here's a dumb thing.
The Lime Bomber consists of a plastic poking thing and a bottle-shaped cap to keep the beer from spilling over. You put the cap on first, then use the poking thing to shove the lime down into the beer -- thus adding a nice extra step to what could be achieved with a simple motion of a finger.
What's more, since the cap is designed like a bottle that goes over the actual bottle, their shapes and sizes had better be compatible or you're screwed. In the worst case scenario, the Lime Bomber might even get stuck over the too-large bottle, actually preventing you from drinking the beer.
"I want a product that makes drinking more complicated AND adds to the things I can lose." - Fucking Nobody
Also, we don't care if you are drinking at a gathering of sworn pacifists, pulling this thing out every time you open a new beer will result in a beating.
What we love about these devices is that they're never replacing, say, a bunch of awkward tools you use now, to simplify your life. No, they're replacing things you easily did with your own hands, on the assumption that everyone has infinite space in which to store a bunch of additional plastic bullshit in their life. So, on those rare occasions you actually make your bed, where you used to simply shove your hand under the mattress, here's a big, bulky tool to do that for you.
This is the Ideaworks Bed Maker, and it can best be described as a piece of plastic with a four-directional handle, because that's what it is. It's supposed to help slip the sheet neatly under the mattress, which we kind of see happening ... provided that the entire bed is coated in Vaseline. In less kinky households, sticking a piece of seamy plastic between a piece of fabric and whatever non-slippery surface the bottom of your bed is made of will likely result in all the friction, and maybe a hole torn into your box spring below.
Also, you're much less likely to find porn this way.
This is the competing Bed Made EZ. That's right -- there are multiple players vying for this market. Or maybe there are different bed-making wedges for different situations. Hopefully somebody sells a rack where we can store and organize all of our bed-making tools nearby.
The Booty Wrap
As we have pointed out before, much of the women's clothing industry involves inventing pointless layers for them to wear in order to force them to buy more items. So, some designer saw a woman leaving the gym and tying her sweatshirt around her waist and thought, "Son of a bitch, why was she not made to pay extra for that functionality?"
And thus the Booty Wrap was born -- you take the shirt that women sometimes tie around their waists and remove its ability to function as a shirt. It has a couple of pockets for keeping stuff in and it's shaped kind of like a hoodie ... and, well, that's it.
"Seriously? Is this what you're trying to sell people? Just take the picture and I'll call my agent."
And you get all that for only $39.99!
Lobob Soft Contact Insertion/Removal Kit
When first learning to wear contact lenses, most of us find it hard enough to get used to touching our eyes to put them in and take them out. We can't imagine that using a grabby tool to do it would be any easier.
Here's Lobob contact lens insertion/removal kit, stating its case to the contrary:
Oh, that looks much less terrifying than fingers alone.
Gah! Objection! That's like sticking a piece of chalk in your eye. And that's just the insertion tool. For removal, they have pincers:
If you think these are good ideas, you probably don't deserve eyes.
The product's marketing pitch states that using these tools is much better than using your "rough, inept fingers." Well, that changes everything -- we didn't realize our fingers suddenly become less inept when we use them to clumsily hold a plastic tool that's headed for our eyes.
Butter Mill/Butter Cutter
Pepper mills stand proud among the handier kitchen gadgets; not only is their twisting motion curiously satisfying, the taste and tang of freshly ground black pepper is head and shoulders above the pre-ground stuff. Or at least there's some kind of placebo effect there, because it makes us feel so fancy.
So it comes as no surprise that the mill technique has been applied to other edibles. There are mills for salt, and herbs, and chili ... and, of course, butter. Um, what was that last thing?
Yes, people who feel intimidated by butter knives and common sense -- the Butter Mill is very much a thing. You load in a whole stick of butter and then press the plunger, thus ejaculating a ribbon of butter up to 10 feet long.
Because, let's be honest here -- who doesn't need 10 feet of butter?
This one comes with different patterns, not unlike your old Play-Doh Fun Factory.
Should you for some reason prefer more reasonable amounts of the stuff, there's always the One Click Butter Cutter:
Normally, putting butter on your toast involves getting a stick of butter and cutting a slice with a knife. Here's how you use the Butter Cutter:
So if we just set the timer, can it record Game of Thrones for us, too?
Yes, there's five steps you must take before you get to the actual butter cutting.
But again, how else are you going to fill all of that extra space in your gigantic kitchen? This will look great right next to your lime wedge inserter, ham dogger, salad dressing bottle shaking machine, spoon warmer and banana peeling centrifuge.
Tracy's started a Tumblr here, although she has so few followers that it's really kind of pathetic.
For more impractical items, check out The 10 Most Baffling Computer Gadgets Money Can Buy and 9 Self-Defense Gadgets Your Mugger Will Find Hilarious.
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out Terrible Director Choices for Famous Movie Remakes