But what if it's just a case of a species not having enough females to go around and the males turning prison gay until more show up? There's at least one species that proves that theory wrong: giraffes. You see, male giraffes have been observed having sex with other males even though 60 percent of giraffes are female. If a giraffe can't find a female to mate with it's probably because, like the gay penguins, they're simply not interested.
And speaking of the penguins, they're also not the only species that practices gay adoption. Plenty of animals do, though they're much more dickish about it. Some male black swans, for example, will woo and impregnate a female, secretly hating it all the way, then chase her away as soon as she lays the egg and hatch it with their gay lover. So that's another thing animals have in common with humans: Sometimes they can be real assholes, too.
Male Spiders Use Deception to Get Laid
Thomas Shahan, Flickr
Common sense tells us that man is unique in nature in that he's the only animal who occasionally has to pretend to have a better job/a better car/no sexually transmitted diseases in order to mate. We've never seen a horse at a party pretending to be Bono's nephew so he can get laid. In fact, we've never seen a horse at a party.
However, it turns out douchebaggery isn't a human-exclusive trait. Apparently, spiders lie for sex, too.
"Oh, yeah, I'm totally not a spider. Yep, a human being, that's me, I have a 401(k) and eat gross human food. Let's do it."
More specifically, the nursery web spider does. A group of scientists who apparently watch horrifying creatures fucking for a living noticed that the sex lives of this type of spider were a little too humanlike for our comfort, starting with the fact that the males actually seduce the females by giving them gifts. When it feels like getting some, the male will take a dead fly or some other tasty treat, wrap it in silk and present it to the female as a gift. While the female is unwrapping her food, the male, wasting no time, will climb on top of her for some adult fun time.
But that's not the disturbing part. The scientists also found out that some of the male spiders would wrap up some garbage in their silk, then present it to a female as if it were a real gift. At this point the male has to try to get his business done as fast possible, because as soon as the female unwraps her (possibly literal) shit sandwich, she'll realize she's been duped and kick him out.
Spiders are also the second species to invent the roofie.
Mind you, all of this was observed in a laboratory under controlled conditions, but it still proves that spiders can be just as manipulative as us -- not to mention cheap. Seriously, was a dead fly really that expensive, buddy?
Many thanks to Kristi Harrison for contributing her uncommon knowledge of spider sex. You can visit Eddie's website here and watch his newest short film here.
For more ways animal shame humans, check out The 9 Most Mind-blowing Disguises in the Animal Kingdom and 6 Modern Technologies Animals Invented Millions of Years Ago/a>.