According to Science magazine, this is "the first known example in nature of a suicidal defense that is preemptive rather than a response to immediate danger." These ants sacrifice a handful of their own kind just to close the door, and they do it every goddamned night. Put a load of clothes on to wash, tuck the kids in and send a couple family members on a suicide mission to lock the gate.

Wikipedia
"I will close the ever loving shit out of that door! HARDCORE!"

Still, they only sacrifice themselves to defend or protect their colony -- they'd never just send wave after wave of suicide-destined ants for an unprovoked attack, right?

Wrong. Lasius neglectus (or "the Asian super ants") are naturally drawn to electricity, with a desire that's actually stronger than their need to eat and drink. Swarms of these ants can and have caused blackouts in Great Britain. Once one ant gets zapped, an alarm pheromone is sent out that calls swarms of their brethren to attack and attack until, eventually, the power goes out. Millions of ants will immolate themselves and, frankly, science has no idea why. And don't think only Britain is doomed. Other ants have been known to attack electricity, like the fire ants in this video:

If you don't know what's scary about ants that aren't afraid to kill themselves to destroy electrical power, then you've never had that nightmare where a nationwide blackout happens and billions of ants use the cover of prolonged night to crawl into our mouths while we're cowering in the darkness.

(Until tonight, that is.)

The only job of the honey pot ant is to get fat (ants have special stomachs that can store liquids, so they can later regurgitate and feed other ants). These "repletes" are fed fluid by other ants until they balloon up to the size of a grape. These sumo bugs can hold fats, water, nectar or even the body fluids of dead bugs, in case, you know, someone wants that (ants don't judge). They also hang from the ceiling all day long, like some kind of spit and bug-juice pinata. If an ant's thirsty, it'll drink from these awful, juicy fountains. If not, they'll top them off by spitting into their mouths, because nothing ants do will ever be cute.

And these fluids never spoil or ferment. Ever. Ants are the only creatures on Earth who have created a living mobile food-storage unit full of life-sustaining grossness that will never go bad. And if one replete dies, some other ant will step right in and turn into a replete.

Wikipedia
"I'm a spit pinata now? But I was just the mayor, like, five minutes ago."

Because ants are like Mega Man villains, we also have leafcutter ants, which have developed specialized mandibles made of zinc-enriched biomaterials as sharp as any blade man has ever devised.

They use these natural scissors to cut up leaves to use as fertilizer in their fungus gardens (though we have no reason to suspect they won't also use them to cut through our eyelids when we're sleeping).

myrmecos
"We totally could. Sometimes we even practice."

Their jaws are powerful enough to cut through leather, and did we mention that they vibrate a thousand times per second? Yes, they've got turkey carvers built into their faces.

But it's not just the fires of hell where ants can survive; another type of ant, Polyrhachis sokolova, is the world's only known aquatic ants, which means they can both swim and build underwater lairs, just like all of your favorite supervillains. Living in the mangroves along the Australian coast, these ants have cleverly designed their hives so that, when the tide comes in and completely covers the hive with water, the ants can survive in little pockets of air stationed throughout the hive. No other air-breathing creature on Earth can build an aquatic home except humans. The only difference is that this isn't just a little four-man aquatic habitat; this is a frigging ant metropolis.

For 50 million years they've been working the land and harvesting this special fungus. The ants are covered in a unique bacteria designed to protect the fungus, and they produce 22 different types of antibiotic from special glands, so, without the ants, this fungus could not survive. Leafcutter ants actively fight off parasites and diseases that might harm their crops with toxins they engineer on their own bodies. They're not just farming, they've made their own natural pesticides.

They're so impressive that biologists are currently studying the leafcutter ant so that we advanced, tool-using, large-brained mammals can better emulate their system.

Wikipedia
Expect hipsters waving trees above their heads at the next John Mayer concert.

In the Amazon, you might stumble across a very well-manicured patch of land that is completely clear, save a few trees known as D. hirsute trees (or "lemon ant trees"). Nothing else survives there. Local legend says that these bizarrely maintained clearings are home to an evil dwarf spirit called the Chuyachaqui. They call these patches "devil's gardens."

And they're half right. Dwarfs don't live in devil's gardens, but something evil does: lemon ants.

Friends tell us they actually taste of lemon. We don't speak anymore.

Every devil's garden is owned by lemon ants. The lemon ant trees are allowed to stay because their hollow stems provide good nest sites for the ants. A queen will make a home out of a tree, and eventually more lemon ant trees will grow as the colony expands. All other plant life, however, must go. These ants will inject formic acid into the leaves of any tree or weed they feel is too close to home, and the tree or weed will die. That's how the ants keep the area so well-landscaped: They're killing all of the trees.

Keith Martin
Which is bad, because now you can clearly see what wants to murder you.

This is the only recorded instance of animals using herbicides to kill plants. Researchers found that trees attacked this way would begin to die within the first 24 hours. One colony was found to have 3 million workers, 15,000 queens and a whole grove of trees, and it was estimated to be 800 years old. A single colony has occupied the same real estate for nearly a millennium. That's older than most man-made cities.

Or sometimes they have to link together as a chain and pull the leaf closer.

Wikipedia

When the leaf is in place, it's time for the gluing, which means that the chain of ants have to hold the leaf in place and wait, like living staples, until a baby ant is ready to spin its cocoon.

Wikipedia
Which is why ants are so good at stitching up injuries.

Oh, that's right, even the babies are involved in the construction (we did say "all" of the ants). Instead of covering itself in silk for its cocoon, the larva will donate its wispy strands to be used as building material. Weaver ants cart the babies out and use them like living glue guns to stitch the edges of the leaf homes together.

discover
"I'm so fucking proud of you, son."

And then they have a nice ant bag.

Wikipedia
Or a really terrible Hacky Sack.

And the most amazing thing about all of this is that no one ant is in charge of this shit. They just get up and unanimously decide to get shit done, and even the babies are like, "Yeah, totally, no, for the good of the colony, I'm on board."

Now let's add to that the fact that ants can reproduce at an alarming rate. It's not unheard of for a queen to spit out 300,000 ants in a week. That's one queen. Some individual colonies have been known to have as many as 300 queens. But of course, ants don't just stop there. They've also achieved immortality.

Michael Mol
And buoyancy.

Animals that don't need a male to reproduce are rare, but not unheard of, but the longhorn crazy ant can take the trick a step further. They not only clone themselves, but they can clone others, too. When they want a daughter, the queen finds a mate, mates with it and lays an egg, which is her genetic duplicate. When she needs a male, she can mate with one of her (eww) brothers. The way they get around the complications of inbreeding is that they don't mix their genes. Somehow she is able to keep her genetic material out of the process, a feat previously assumed to be impossible. The result is that the queen will lay an egg that is a clone of her male brother. No other animal can make exact copies like this.

neekoh.fi
"If Mom calls me by my uncle's name one more time I swear I'll stop having sex with her."

Thank God ants don't display any higher mental functions.