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Everyone knows nature is a symposium of terrifying freaks. Mostly we just take it in stride, because most of the really horrifying ones are rare and usually in Australia. Sometimes, however, nature gets its shit organized, and what was once a comfortingly rare freakshow then becomes an army at your doorstep. Here are but a few of the natural forces waging war on humanity en masse. #5.
Argentine Ants Are Everywhere--and We Mean Everywhere
Having just a layman's knowledge of ants, what would you guess is the biggest ant colony in the world? Maybe there's some mega-colony somewhere that's, say, as big as a football field, right? Or a city block? How about an ant colony that spans four fucking continents? Well say hello to Argentina's biggest export.
It's just a regular-sized ant; it does ant things. It carries bundles to and fro, it frantically scrambles across logs and it colonizes the pants of liars. It doesn't spit acid, it doesn't fly and it doesn't eat people. But by God it has a colony that experts say spans across the Americas, Europe, Australia and Asia (what, do they get back and forth by boat?). Scientists have dubbed this group a "global mega-colony," and estimate it's comprised of over 22 million anthills, each teeming with upwards of 10,000 members. That's more than 200 billion ants, by the way. Their mega-colony outnumbers humans 35 to one. It's like a mind-bogglingly huge ant-party! And if you like living on those continents, then you're invited! Whether you fucking like it or not!
This revelation came as quite a surprise to entomology experts, seeing as how ants from different colonies or geographic locations will typically fight for territory if brought together. But grab a couple of these guys from the coast of Japan, and a couple more from the coast of California, and it's nothing but good times. They're all on the same team. For a sober and rational perspective on all of this, please consider this quote from the BBC: "The colony may be the largest of its type ever known for any insect species, and could rival humans in the scale of its world domination." That emphasis wasn't even ours; it bolded itself Hey, did we mention that ants are one of the only other species known to capture and use slaves? Now who's crazy for building an anti-ant-overlord bunker behind the Stop 'N Save, County Sherriff's Office?!
#4.
The Jellyfish are Occupying Japan
You know what's worse than a jellyfish? A gigantic jellyfish.
You know what's worse than a gigantic jellyfish? Huge swarms of gigantic jellyfish attacking people off the coast of Japan. There are thousands of these things floating together, weighing up to 440-pounds each. That's when it becomes less of a "bad day at the beach" situation and more of a "first sign of the coming of the Old Ones" kind of deal.
The good news is that, although they will sting anything that gets near them, the jellyfish aren't always aggressive toward humans; it's just a case of the wrong place at the wrong time. The bad news is that they are devouring all of the fish supplies, and clogging up the fisherman's nets so badly that they've resorted to trying to sell them as food in an effort to recoup their losses. So if your Fillet O' Fish tastes a little more slippery and poisonous than usual, thank Japan. Scientists don't actually know very much about these monsters yet, like why there are suddenly a thousand times more of them than ever before, how to stop them or pretty much anything else useful; but then again, it must take a special kind of scientist to want to get up close and personal with the world's densest population of gargantuan venomous shredded eyeballs.
According to a leading nomura expert, Shiniche Uye, they are "like typhoons - they can't be controlled, but they can be predicted." You read that right: the world's leading nomura scientist just said that they cannot be stopped. But more surreal and terrifying is the reason why: when you try to kill one, it literally gives birth to millions of offspring first. There's no word on whether or not they all hunger for vengeance toward the man who killed their parents, so we're forced to assume that they do. #3.
The Mountain Pine Beetles are Eating All the Trees
The mountain pine beetle has been native to North America for as long as there's been a North America, but we never really had cause to notice them until they started pulling some Captain Planet villain shit and turned all of this:
Into this:
They've swept across parts of Canada, killing half of the lodge pole pine trees, and are marching toward the U.S. as we speak. Various attempts to stop or even slow the scourge were basically met with a hearty "fuck you" by the swarm, who continue to devour forests while laughing maniacally and proclaiming all that stand against them to be "fools!"
Their biggest natural enemy is the cold, but thanks to global climate change, warmer winters means they can now survive year-round; exponentially increasing their food intake. Farmers in Alberta report what they call "beetle rain," where they hear what sounds like a heavy storm spattering off their rooftops, only to go outside and see millions upon millions of beetles landing in an apocalyptic swarm. So... can we just poison all of the trees up there? Or do we have to nuke Canada? |
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Sorry for double posting - but kudzu is a BITCH!
Around here - Georgia - we are covered with ladybugs. Swarms of 100s and 100s of the little devils show up. They get in your house and in your car. They're harmless, but my kids freak out when they forget and leave their window open. We come home in the evening and have to vacuum the ceiling clear of them.
...and you know whats scary here people? these are just a few entries of the wierd s**thappening in nature currently. within the last decade theres been tonnes of information boiling forth proving we dont have a freaking clue whats going on in the world. And all of it is to be considered to.....like the herd of wilderbeast who ganged up to fight some lions that snatched a baby widerbeast? theyre usually afraid of the lions but knowing that they cud stand in number and beat out the lions took some thoguth process we used to assume was a fluke in nature. The animals are getting smarter, theyre moving in odd directions and nature itsef is getting angrier (katrina) and bolder (kudzu vines) in taking back the planet. lots of whats going on is completely new and undoc*mented. i really think everyone(thing) else in the cosmos is paying attention to the subtle infor giving out by the universe while we(man) are to stupid to think outside of how to kill our neighboring country men or how to treat the next disease without actually eliminating it (for the bettr good of the pharacuetical industrys deep pockets). were definetly not paying attention to the signs.
"Wow. And I thought that dolfins were the only onther mammals that have sex for pleasure." .... umm.. that's stupid. How about humans are the only animal that ever sometimes has sex for reasons OTHER than pleasure? Telling me that dogs hump to procreate is as retarded as saying they eat because they want to take a crap. As for these species that seem super adept at reproducing, they're all made of hydrocarbons right? Let's figure out how to harvest them and burn them in our cars! Duh, problems have solutions. We don't have to EAT the jellyfish, boil 'em and make biodiesel.
I keep trying to ell people that dolphins are evil, but will anyone believe me...
I've been in the middle of a huge, I mean IMMENSE dolphin pod like that one exactly. I was on a boat, though. But they're still adorable. The human species is always 100x worse anyways.
Wow. And I thought that dolfins were the only onther mammals that have sex for pleasure. But raping, kidnapping and murder?......they may be more like humans that monkeys. Weird
I LIVE BY CHATTANOOGA! Its not as bad as the above pictures, but some areas around here are bad. (Im actually right outside of Dayton though)
well, at least you can eat the goats.
well, at least you can eat the goats.
About pinebeetle... Heres a tid bit of information... This actually could have been contained a long, long, long time ago. When this was less of an outbreak and more of a pain in the ass we wanted to burn a large section of the forest to the ground. Including alot of trees unaffected. Over kill to be sure they were killed. Unfortanitly Enviromentalists pissed there pants and stopped us.... Now because of it we lots a f**k ton of trees. In my attempt to cut off the "global climnate change is destroying the world!" hippies and the "Your stupid! Fossil fuels are completely harmless" Mouth breathers this isnt caused so much by climate change but by enviromentalist nutjobs. Trees burn down. This SHOULD happen alot more often then it does. In fact there is a large number of trees that actually NEED TO BE SET ON FIRE for the acorns to open. Thats right. Many trees, particulary species growing in Canada where this started, need to be ignited for the acorns to actuall open and for the seeds to begin growing. Enviromentalists have a heart attack when we let a single tree burn ot the ground. Even with the warmer winters (yes the climate IS changing, i dont disagree with that just the cause) nature would have heavily slaughtered the beetles with fire. Since i am assuming the average cracked readers are American i am guessing you havent heard about the massive fires occuring in the regions the pine beetle have hit the hardest. Sorta as though dead dried out trees are magnets for fire... Fire that normally would spread and say.. wipe out the beetles I am a Canadian citizen, I am all for envirmontal inititive, I take the bus(if not walk) whenever i can, recycle, and use those spiral lights (forgive me i forgot the name). I dont think all enviromentalists are nutjobs, just the ones that are actually nutjobs. As well i accept the climate is changing, just not because of anything we can really do to stop it.
For #1, you should consider the retardedness of US trying to fk off GREEN plants that can actually PHOTOSYNTHESISE, instead of them not giving half a s**t about #2,3,4 which can potentially be due to the very fact that there's a global climate change. Just look at #3 and compare it with #1. I think some people are just desperate for a total Earth makeover.
Dolphins creep me the f**k out anyway...
I would add Puggles to the list. And WE'RE the ones to blame for these "Twinkies of the Dog World." See article: www.ourannoyingworld.com
I didn't even know a jellyfish COULD weigh 440 lbs. What the HELL?!! I'm never going in an ocean again. Not unless it's with this chick http://makefunofmyfriends.com/holy-s**t-friends/mangina/
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on a local note, its no surprise amongst australians that the cane toad is growing to dangerous levels. not yet completely out-of-control, but they have been discovered nearing the west coast. from the east coast. and thats no short or pleasant stretch of land. of course our isolation will no doubt protect external nations, so they're not yet trying to take over the earth (that is, until they get their pilot's licences or ride on the back of a swarm of dolphins) but let them represent one of those lessons that introducing a pest to control a pest is just asking for trouble. the destroy crops and being toxic, kill native wildlife. and they're ugly as f**k.
the dolphin thing is a little creepy... and so are ants
So long, and thanks for all the fish.
I now see how creepy dolphins look now. Weird.
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