5 Insane Celebrity Conspiracy Theories (That Make Sense)

When Michael Jackson was 12 years old, he started getting zits. Because remember, he was just a normal kid back then, and zits and occasional deodorant misfires are what happen when you're normal and you're 12. What wasn't normal, according to Alain Branchereau, was the way Michael's entourage dealt with his face volcanoes. Branchereau's theory is that Michael's family or doctor or the devil in a dermatologist mask treated Michael's acne with a hormone called cyproterone. And it's a good thing, because look at this pepperoni pizza head someone tried to pass off as a human:

But the thing about cyproterone is that it is a synthetic anti-male hormone -- a drug that knocks the man right out of you by blocking puberty itself. According to Dr. French House, the drug stopped body hair from growing and affected bone growth, leaving Michael with a boyish, narrow, hairless body. Most importantly, cyproterone kept the larynx from growing, which was why Michael's voice never changed, why he kept singing throughout his teens without a hitch and why as a full grown man he had a three-octave range.

In other words, Michael Jackson was a castrato. A eunuch.

Just think for a brief second what this would mean if it were true. All that Neverland nonsense and weird sleepover claptrap wasn't about the gross stuff we all wish we never heard about -- it was about a literal little kid living in a (kinda) grownup body. And the really weird stuff, like the oxygen sleep chamber and the plastic surgeries and the whole drippy hair look, maybe that was just about a very messed up boy with unlimited wealth making horrible decisions -- the same horrible decisions any other 12-year-old with unlimited income would make. Didn't you ever buy the bones of the Elephant Man or share a bed with Corey Feldman when you were a kid?

The point is, maybe, just maaaayyyybe all the parts about Michael Jackson that made us uncomfortable had a biological cause. Unfortunately, we'll never know. But wouldn't it be nice to pretend, even for just a moment, that everything that happened after Off the Wall wasn't really Michael's fault?

"Halfway through the European tour, I remember saying I'll never go on tour again until I have this fixed because I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to fucking blow my head off, I was so tired of it."

In 1993, not long before Cobain broke his promise about not having a gun, a doctor diagnosed the pain in his stomach as a pinched nerve in his spine caused by scoliosis (a curvature of the spine that some people have to get corrected with surgery). So, scoliosis led to horrible pain, which led to Cobain self-medicating with heroin. This diagnosis was probably why he was a rock star, not a doctor.

But let's go back a little further. Years before the burden of back and stomach pain drove Mr. Love to opiates, he took up the guitar. Like, literally picked it up. And the teenage Cobain had a choice to make: left-handed, or right? See, Kurt could go either way -- he was ambidextrous, but learning how to play on a left-handed guitar is a pain. That's why left-handed guitarists like Paul Simon, B.B. King and Noel Gallagher just didn't bother, they straight up learned on the rightie.

Not Kurt. Probably for the same reasons he chose the wife he did, he went for the left-handed guitar. Makes sense. He liked doing things the hard way. The problem was that playing left-handed was the worst thing he could have done for his scoliosis:

"Kurt's spine curved out a bit on his right side, but it was made worse by the fact that he played guitar left-handed (and thus held his guitar with his right shoulder). Ironically, Cobain was naturally right-handed, and it's been theorized that had he played guitar that way, the spinal curvature may have corrected itself over time."

A guitar is heavy, and he had that strap on his right shoulder a lot -- think about all the hours spent practicing alone and rehearsing with the band and just messing around. All that time, the strap on the right shoulder, that weight bending his spine painfully further in the bad direction, for weeks, months, years.

Over more than a decade of this, the scoliosis keeps getting worse, which leads to his chronic stomach problem, which leads to his heroin addiction, which leads to his suicide. All because he picked the wrong guitar.

That's the theory, anyway.

First up, we need to make sure you're clear on which Founding Father was Thomas Jefferson. He was the one who wrote the Declaration of Independence, and also the one who was the third president of the United States. He bought us Louisiana Plus and had a long term affair with his slave, Sally Hemings, who was also his wife's half-sister. He also spoke five languages, designed his home Monticello and invented the SWIVEL CHAIR.

So, no matter what everyone says about his stupid hair, there's no denying he was a smart cookie. Here are some other facts about Thomas Jefferson:

When he died, he left all of his correspondence and notes of importance to his grandson. All 40,000 of them.

He sang and hummed to himself all the time.

He was so shy that he avoided eye contact and only gave two speeches in his life; both were inaugural addresses.

It was these little idiosyncrasies, plus a host of others, that led one journalist/novelist to conclude that maybe our third president had a little case of the autism. The Asperger's autism.

The Theory:

According to Norm "The Legend" Ledgin, and also a few autism experts, there are 13 hallmarks of a person with Asperger's syndrome, and you only need four for a diagnosis. Jefferson met five:

Marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction

Lack of social or emotional reciprocity

Encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal either in intensity or focus

Apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals

The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning

We could start with his eccentricities, which were so pronounced that people who visited Jefferson walked away baffled. Like how he kept an uncaged mockingbird around him while he worked and greeted state visitors in dated, threadbare, worn-out clothes, some of which were too small for his body.

"His setness, for instance, in wearing very sharp toed shoes, corduroy small-clothes, and red plush waistcoat, which have been laughed at till he might perhaps wisely have dismissed them."

You got that right? That people were laughing at him? It's hard to get that when looking at old pictures, but in his day, Jefferson was a bit of a clown. Well, OK, so he was a bit odd. That alone doesn't qualify him for a "syndrome" of any kind -- otherwise half the people reading this have it.

But then you have to combine it with his other traits, such as his obsessing over tiny details for no rational reason. He obsessively recorded everything in writing -- the weather, animal sightings, recipes, gardening crap and every little change he wanted to make to Monticello, which, by the way, he worked on for over 50 years.

For instance, Jefferson didn't just keep financial records, he recorded every tiny little transaction down to the penny. Not because he was careful with money (he spent lavishly and was drowning in debt), but because he was obsessive about tracking it, like if you still had on file the candy bar you bought with pocket change at a convenience store seven years ago. It was a compulsion. One expert says his constant note-taking was such a big part of his life that it "... may have actually contributed to the disastrous legacy of debt ... for it gave Jefferson a sense of control that he didn't know how to exercise."

Brilliant, yes. Able to dress himself appropriately, stop singing, or stop taking notes on every little thing, or function without a live bird shitting all over the place? Apparently not. And if he did all of that today, his doctors probably would have had a name for it.

The Theory:

Dr. George Nichopoulos thinks Elvis Presley died from chronic constipation. Before you say, "Hey, that sounds like a load of crap," please understand, the doctor makes a pretty hefty, odorous case. According to the doctor, constipation plagued Elvis for most of his "fat" years. In fact, he claims that those weren't even "fat" years. They were more like "holy mother of God, that guy has six months of fecal matter in his colon" years.

"It was really a physiological problem. During the last few years we were going back and comparing pictures, some of them were taken just two weeks apart but he looked like he'd gained 20 pounds when the only difference was that he had a good healthy bowel movement and then lost a lot of weight from that."

Delicious! An autopsy revealed that his status in the rock community wasn't the only king-sized thing about Elvis. His colon was 5 inches in diameter, a good 2 to 3 inches larger than normal, and it was approximately 8 to 9 feet long. A normal colon is only 4 to 5 feet long. Which was why Nichopoulos was in talks to give the Pelvis a colostomy.

Seeing as how he was sporting a nine-footer, Elvis certainly had colon to spare, but the shame of admitting to poop problems in public was too much to stomach, and the potentially lifesaving surgery never happened. Instead, the man who invented rock and roll (for white people) stuck with a series of more traditional constipation treatments that led to frequent accidents and wardrobe changes on stage. Sad.

For his part, Nichopoulos believes that the King would still be with us today if the procedure had been done.

Oh, hey, now that this article is about poop ...

We're so sorry. We really shouldn't have put this in the article. Editors, make sure to just cut this whole part before it runs.

The Theory:

In Freudian psychology, all kids have an "anal stage" of sexual development, around the time they start potty training. Supposedly if something weird happens in that stage that makes a kid fixate on the experience, it can manifest itself later as a sexual fetish. Hitler, for instance, was reportedly one of those people. We know because his girlfriend/niece Geli (you read that right) blabbed all about his feces fetish.

We don't have the stomach to write out the manifestations of this obsession, but it was bad. Real bad. Read up if you want, cowboy. But we're not going there. He was Hitler, and he was obsessed with poop, and that obsession got him aroused. Use your freaking imagination.

Now, here's where things get even weirder, if that's possible. Psychologists have speculated that the fixation came from his mother's harsh methods during potty training. Her abusive tactics apparently instilled in him an obsessive fear of germs and anything dirty (the "forbidden" nature of poop apparently being what turned him on).

Now, when it came to Adolph's feelings about the Jews of Germany, he uses some despicable language that we're obviously not going to repeat here. But you don't have to be a genius psychologist to see this bizarre link that he makes between the Jewish people and all things dirty. His mind not only made this insane connection, it also associated destroying all germs with destroying all "dirty" cultures. The obsession with "cleansing" humanity influenced his politics and made the foundation for his "sadistic character."

So, to recap, Hitler's mother instills in him a fear of, and obsession with, excrement and dirtiness. This becomes an obsession with germs and cleanliness. Hitler decides the Jews and all non-white races are unclean. And the rest is horrifying, nightmarish history.

For more of Cracked's celebrity insight, check out 11 Celebrities Who Were Secretly Total Badasses and 7 Celebrities Who Had Badass Careers You Didn't Know About.

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