Cracked Round-Up: Wall Street Activism Edition


It's impossible to miss the crowds of activists boiling up around every great financial center in the world. hasn't been immune to the spirit, or the message of this incredible grassroots movement. Which is why we've decided to donate two-percent of our annual net income to establishing the Prosperity Trust. A not-for-profit organization, the Prosperity Trust is committed to providing several different strains of rotting fruit to the sites of all protests of over 10,000 individuals in the continental United States. We don't know enough about politics to raise the level of discourse, so we've dedicated our efforts to making things worse (and much more entertaining).

Childhood is one of those precious things that is completely ruined by honesty, as Soren Bowie's latest business misadventure shows. Christina was next with plausible explanations for the trappings of hipsterdom. Brockway made a good case for video games as a training tool for the next generation of badasses, while Bucholz found better uses for that giant robot from the new giant robot movie. Luke McKinney documented the rise of Putin's terrifying fan base and John Cheese explained why you're doomed to repeat the things you hated about your parents. Dan O'Brien closed us off with this inspiring article about why writing for the Internet turns you against the rest of the human race.

7 Animals That Are One Flaw Away From Taking Over
Before you get to feeling too high and mighty, remember testicles.

Notable Comment: "I don't know if my sense of humor is changing or what, but recently I've been finding the photo captions hilarious than usual. The one about "GROUND EXISTS" made me wake up my roommate with laughter"

Actually, tryshortername, our captions are handled almost entirely by Korean mental patients and then translated into English using Babel Fish. And no, we can't specify which Korea.

5 Most Badass Teams of Famous People to Ever Join Forces
Hollywood, read this article and bring our world the Twain / Tesla buddy cop comedy it has so long awaited.

Notable Comment: "I would like to see Alan Moore do a sequel to league of extraordinary gentleman populated only with these people who knew each other in real life"

Fetterbump, of all the thousands of ideas for media properties that have been birthed from our comments section, this is by far the one we want to see happen the most. Of course, it won't.

6 Things They Say Hurt Careers (That Statistics Say Help)
As it happens, there's a reason terrible people seem to have so much success in the corporate world.

Notable Comment: "This article basically says that to be successful, you have to be Teddy Roosevelt. Sounds about right."

MTLchick is starting to catch on.

6 Bizarre Side-Effects of Foods You Eat Every Day
Here's another list of unsettling things you'll thank us for revealing to you.

Notable Comment: "One of said medicines affected is viagra, so if you take a small dose of it with a glass of grape fruit, you are in for a one hell of a long lasting beaver destroying boner."

PsyWolf gives good advice about dangerously unsafe drug mixing.

6 Classic Kids Shows Slapped Together from Recycled Material
Your childhood was stolen from Japan.

Notable Comment: "HAHAHA I just started reading the article and the ninja turtles thing made me laugh so hard goddamn, this might be masturbation material" does not approve or endorse paperboy's use of our product.

The Most Important decision Ever Made About Masturbating
Stay tuned for the super-interesting next episode of Lonny!

20 R-Rated Versions of Classic Disney Movies
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Great Movies from the Perspective of the Villain, What Old People Suspect about Modern Pop Culture and If They Made Ads for the Worst Thing Ever. We also have a sponsored contest this week with a fabulous star-studded prize. For the chance to win a flight to L.A. and a seat at a real movie premiere, enter Cards that Ruin Christmas.

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