The 6 Most Ridiculous Superhero Weaknesses

It was only in the '80s that DC Comics started ignoring all that crap. Fortunately this still gives us 40 years of material to take out of context and make fun of.

If Wonder Woman is about feminism, The Mighty Thor is all about how wonderful it is to have a penis. It would be silly to pretend that comic book writers are completely unaware of the phallic nature of Thor's hammer -- it's, uh, kinda hard to miss. He even gave it a nickname ("Mjolnir") and has been known to flaunt it in front of the ladies.

With his super strength, flight, control of lightning and (at this point) superfluous magical abilities, Thor is possibly the most powerful superhero ever. All those powers are derived from his massive dong-like hammer ... you can probably see where this is going.

The Ridiculous Weakness:

As explained in the early Thor comics, if he lets go of his hammer for more than a minute he loses his god status and becomes human, while the hammer itself turns into a flimsy walking stick.

To make matters worse, Thor's secret identity (med student Donald Blake) is basically a younger version of the main character from House, right down to the crippled leg, the scrawny physique and the annoying god complex (though in this case it's somewhat justified). Think about it: Thor is the mightiest hero ever, but he can't even fall asleep without firmly clutching his hammer under the covers and oh God the penis similarities keep coming. But all of that is beside the point. This weakness wouldn't be so much of a problem if Thor's main crime-fighting method didn't consist of throwing the hammer great distances.

Usually Mjolnir comes back by itself, but the only thing his enemies have to do is make sure it doesn't and Thor is completely fucked. This happened more often than you'd think.

Oh, and if anyone else happens to pick up the hammer while Thor is rushing to reach it, if they "be worthy," they gain all of his powers. Eventually, Thor's laughable 60-second limitation was removed through complex mystical methods.

Venom started out as Spider-Man's powers-enhancing black costume and later turned out to be an evil alien entity with a mind of its own. Spidey hasn't "used" Venom for about 20 years, but he's been cleaning up after that mess almost every day since. So how do you stop a merciless killer who knows everything about you, routinely bonds with your worst enemies and hates you with the passion of a scorned lover?

The Ridiculous Weakness:

Fire, and we're not talking flamethrower here. We're talking matches. According to Marvel's website, Venom is "extremely vulnerable to heat" (and also loud noises), and they're not kidding. Check out the time Venom was about to kill Spider-Man ...

... only for some random guy to save him with a cheap lighter. Lucky for Venom he wasn't also carrying an air horn.

At this point Venom completely loses his shit and his clothes literally jump off his body out of sheer terror. Over a $1 lighter. The real question here is why Spider-Man doesn't carry one at all times.

Think about the implications of this. The guy wearing the Venom costume typically must keep it on at all times, so cooking with anything other than a microwave is impossible. The Fourth of July must be terrifying, as he could be held at bay by any group of 8-year-olds with sparklers. Even the other Spider-Man villains make fun of him because of it.

The Ridiculous Weakness:

Actually, they replaced it with something even dumber: a weakness to "natural elements." What does this mean, exactly? Well ...

We have to question the effectiveness of any superhero who can be knocked down with something as simple as a tree branch. In the same comic, she explains that she's vulnerable to "any raw, unprocessed natural material," which would presumably include things like water, dirt or, you know, air. She can stop a bullet, but throw a rock at her face and she's dead. Basically, the whole planet Earth is "earthonite" to her.

The message here is pretty transparent -- take a close look at Power Girl again:

Does she look "all natural" to you? Are the writers telling us that she has so much plastic in her body that the mere presence of something not made out of silicon makes her sick? Maybe not, because they've completely ignored this weakness for the past decade (you're probably starting to see a pattern there).

Even when Thanos isn't obliterating entire galaxies at whim, he still has other powers like matter manipulation, time travel, teleportation, telekinesis and, oh, immortality. He's also a super-genius in all fields of science, because what the hell, at this point he might as well be. And yet every time, the good guys manage to defeat him and undo the damage. How come?

The Ridiculous Weakness:

"A subconscious desire to lose." Is it just us, or are these getting more and more abstract? Is there a superhero whose weakness is "any action that is described with an adverb?"

Anyway, this means Thanos "arrange[s] for himself to defeated" because deep down he knows he doesn't deserve to win. It's the same reason he can't maintain an erection.

Surely the mighty Thanos responds to this ridiculous accusation by vanishing the orange person from existence, right? Actually, he sorta stands there mumbling excuses like his mom just found his hidden porn folder.

Like the orange guy said, this has happened several times, and the revelation does bring his older stories under new light:

Captain Marvel gets his powers by shouting the word "SHAZAM," which grants him the wisdom of Solomon, the strength of Hercules and the "who the fuck is that guy" of Azamoncules. His junior version, in turn, must say "Captain Marvel" to activate his fantastic powers. He's exactly like Captain Marvel Sr. in every other sense, except for the fact that he's shorter, bluer and ...

The Ridiculous Weakness:

He can't say his own name.

That's his weakness. He can't introduce himself at parties. Or at all.

It's like the small print at the bottom of the contract or the legally required health warning at the end of an ad, except wholly unnecessary and bizarre. If Captain Marvel Jr. says "Captain Marvel Jr." he transforms from a shimmering beacon of muscly justice into a crippled orphan, which can be a huge inconvenience since superheroes tend to fly everywhere (whereas crippled orphans do not). This can lead to uncomfortable situations ...

What's even more ridiculous is that, instead of using the opportunity to ditch his stupid name, modern writers decided to work around this issue by shortening the name to CM3, since he's the third most important member in the Captain Marvel Family (which also includes Uncle Marvel and Hoppy the Marvel Bunny).

Of course, CM3 is a profoundly stupid name, too. His problem now isn't losing his powers, but feeling like a douchebag every time he says it.

J. F. Sargent is the managing editor of PCulpa.com. He also teaches poetry to youth in jail, and you can read their work and send them comments here.

For more comic book insanity, check out 6 Superheroes Who Completely Lost Their Shit and 9 Superhero Powers That Would Be More Trouble Than They're Worth.