6 Devices Made for Aquatic Supervillainy
As a purely intellectual exercise, and not at all as precursor to some kind of sweet, sweet revenge against SeaWorld Orlando (pressing charges? Seriously? Like we're the only people in the world who think drunk dolphins are funny?), we've compiled this list of handy aquatic devices for the aspiring maniac to use in theme crimes, avenge the death of a beloved pet kraken or just really show a beach full of arrogant spring breakers what is up now.
Your contempt for humanity should be reflected in everything you do, but especially in your choice of vehicle. A good villainous craft is sometimes the difference between "suave supervillain" and "that dickhead in the Volvo." Your conveyance has to do three things: Explain who you are, show people what you're prepared to do and, most importantly, send the population screaming in terror before you've even unleashed the first robo-piranha. And you're in luck, because the mad geniuses over at Innespace Marine have got you covered.
"HAHAHA! AT LONG LAST WE MEET, DUCK."
The Seabreacher X, also called the Jumping Shark, is a hydrofoil/submersible capable of maneuvers no other watercraft can hope to match ... if they know what's good for them, at any rate. Check out the video of this beast in action.
The Jumping Shark can travel above water at 50 mph and under it at 25 mph. It can leap up to 16 feet in the air, and -- as if you even had to ask -- of course it can do a barrel roll! Ninety percent of villainy is in the presentation, and when you "present" this baby at your next caper, you can bet the water around Aquaman will suddenly get a little bit warmer:
Nose-mounted machine guns sold separately.
Was this vehicle designed specifically for supervillains? We don't know: Can you get a Prius in bloody cyborg-animal print?
But you don't have to choose between shark-induced terror and performance: The Seabreacher comes equipped with a vector thrust system for optimal maneuverability, a snorkel cam on the dorsal fin that lets you see the surface while submerged (partially so you're not steering blind, but mostly so you don't miss a second of the shock, terror and regret on your enemy's faces) and even a stereo system with a docking station for your iPod. We recommend something suitably nefarious, like "Ride of the Valkyries," but the thing is pretty soundproof; nobody's gonna judge if you cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war to some Katy Perry.
Nothing we have ever done is as fun as that looks.
APS Underwater Machine Gun
You're going to need superior firepower if you ever want to shut up that damn mermaid and her stupid racist caricature crab friend, and an Uzi covered in Saran Wrap just isn't cutting it. Enter the APS Underwater Machine Gun. The APS (Aquatic People Slayer?) fires 4.75-inch nail-like bullets at a rate of about 500 rounds per minute.
If those were wooden nails you'd have the perfect vampire defense weapon.
It's capable of more distance and penetration than anything else out there, just like the writers of a certain comedy website (ladies). The underwater range extends well beyond line of sight even in the best visibility, which is a remarkable feat, considering that most firearms don't work underwater at all, and if they do, only for extremely short distances.
"We'll see who's laughing now, dolphins."
But you don't want to be the lame-ass villain with the officially sanctioned hardware, and if the APS is so awesome, surely it's already in use by Navy SEALs or something, right? Nope. The SEALs use the German-made HK P11. In fact, even the Russians (who invented the damn thing) don't really use the APS: It's heavy, bulky and hard to swim with, and firing it above water turns your accuracy to crap and screws up the barrel really fast. Aquatic gun battles simply aren't a priority for most militaries, so though it was first engineered by an official branch of Russia's armed forces, it was too impractical to see much application anywhere. In other words: It's a military-developed, submersible, nail flinging hand cannon deemed too impractical, unsafe or altogether insane for official use. Nobody could ask for a more appropriate supervillain weapon, and if they do, why, you can simply shoot 500 goddamn nails into their chest.
Now that we know this thing exists, we can never be happy until we own one.
What if you could call upon the most savage denizens of the deep blue sea at will? The U.N. would have to take you seriously then! No more being laughed off the video screen for you! Unfortunately, throwing blood and rotting fish parts in the water tends to scare away any unwitting victims long before the shark armada can arrive. Oh, if only there were some device out there that summoned deadly, furious, uncontrollable sharks to your side without all the mess and fuss! But alas, nobody would market that. The potential for abuse would be enormous; what other possible use is there even, aside from supervillainy? Who in their right mind would ever come up with something so clearly vile and insane? Besides the U.S. government, of course.
"The Amity Island tests suggest it has significant military potential."
Yes, apparently Uncle Sam has already conducted extensive studies and found the exact frequencies at which distressed fish attract sharks. They were able to replicate the phenomena reliably, too, but the equipment was too bulky and cumbersome to mass produce. Then the good people (reckless fools!) at S2 Instruments ran with the idea and produced a number of portable devices proven to repeatedly call forth speedy, vicious, unpredictable mako sharks.
"If only I had dozens of these, swimming all around me."
We're not just throwing adjectives around, either: They really are unpredictable. This device gives you no control over the sharks; it doesn't render them docile or stun them in any way. In fact, because the frequency is imitating distressed fish, all the sharks show up hungry and ready to feed. It's basically a dinner bell that mindless eating machines of the sea can hear from miles away. This is a device practically custom-built to call schools of hungry super-predators to beaches full of splashing, unsuspecting swimmers. So wait, who are they selling this to again? What's their chief demographic, Nega-Aquamen?
Well, that's one sale at least.
Just because you feed puppies to mutated penguins on the weekend doesn't mean you aren't a villain of class and sophistication. Keeping a large swath of the coastline in a stranglehold of fear and rolling in style don't have to be mutually exclusive anymore, not since the Swiss company Rinspeed manufactured the perfect car for today's stylish megalomaniac on the go. The Rinspeed sQuba is a fully submersible (and convertible!) sports car. Yes, exactly like James Bond in The Spy Who Loved Me ...
Only this aqua-car is zero emissions. So you can act all self-righteous at the next MI6/SPECTRE holiday mixer.
Hey, just because the hero uses it, that doesn't mean the villain can't, too. If anything, there's a kind of poetic cruelty to using his own precious gadgets against him, or just to inflict general malaise and suffering.
Cops after you? Not a problem when your car is a submarine; just take that bank heist under the sea. Navy harassing you again? Let's see a destroyer follow your aquatic rampage into midtown, baby. The sQuba is the perfect car for crimes bridging both worlds, a high-speed, guaranteed escape, or just lazily giving the finger to any do-gooder who's less than completely amphibious.
There's no way Q's name isn't somewhere on the patent for this thing.
People are swimming in your seas again. Well, they'll soon learn the folly of treading the tenebrous waters of your oceanic empire, won't they? The Electrofisher was ostensibly developed to stun fish for scientific research without harming them, but it'll work just as well on those buxom young vixens out for a nighttime skinny dip. It's basically a sea Taser, delivering huge amounts of electricity spread over a large surface area, completely paralyzing anything in the vicinity for up to two minutes.
Is anyone else really, suddenly hungry?
There's even a portable backpack "Ghostbuster" model for individual use: It only delivers 200 volts, but it looks just like a metal detector, so you'll really be able to get right up on that target without arousing suspicion.
"Oh, don't mind me, just looking for boring old coins and A-HA! MOCK THE PHANTOM RAY, WILL YOU?!"
Supervillainy is tiring, thankless work. Sure, everybody wants the hippies to shut up about saving the damn whales, but you fry one little protester with your eel cannon and suddenly it's a "crime against humanity." You know what you need? You need to relax. Have some fun. Head on down to the beach, maybe rent a Jet Ski and just tool around. No, no that's not your style: Is there a recreational water vehicle that has all the fun of a Jet Ski but also says "I live inside of a hollowed-out reef and blackmail small island nations with controlled tsunamis"?
Meet the Jetlev-Flyer.
The flyer isn't going to replace a good old-fashioned shark hydrofoil as a daily commuter vehicle for the dangerously insane and fishy-smelling; it's purely recreational. The flyer is permanently attached to its power unit -- a small, automated boat that houses the motor and fuel -- by a 20-foot hose, thus limiting the distance and speed to safe and reasonable parameters. Of course, "safe and reasonable" is all relative when you're drowning children in your gargantuan, highly pressurized water jets, interrupting water polo games with your portable geyser or just cackling wildly at the looks of terror the parasailers get when they realize there's a madman chasing them through the air.
Legally, we don't think you're allowed to pilot this thing sober.
Yes, the Jetlev-Flyer finally allows you to relax, the supervillain way: At the great personal expense of innocents.
If you want to read about a real supervillain, check out Monte Richard's blog.
For more handy material on how to become a supervillain, check out 5 Real World Criminals Who Were Certified Supervillains and 6 Web How-To's That Are Apparently For Supervillains.