6 Web How-To's That Are Apparently For Supervillains

So you want to be a supervillain, but you don't know where to start. Luckily, among the Internet's endless how-to articles and videos, there are countless projects that seem intended precisely for people just like you.

"I am totally ready to be evil today, Mittens!"

Don't believe us? Why else would someone want to...

Every villain worth his salt has a really crafty weapon up his sleeve. No need to reach for a boring old pistol when you can just show your palm to your victim and suddenly spew electricity, or poison darts or, best of all, fire.

OK, How Do I Do It?

Well, this first video explains the hows and whys of building the thing. You need a lighter, tubing and an aerosol can, a wrist brace and an untreated antisocial personality disorder of some kind.

There's also a second video where you can see the progression of social misfit status as he demonstrates the Pyro System 2.2, because a wrist-flamethrower that attaches to your hip for fuel is not as badass as having it contained in a single unit for handheld scorching fun.

Will It Work?

The proof is in the video. It works exactly like you'd expect a wrist-mounted flamethrower to work. We guess you just have to remember not to scratch any itches or hold anything or basically use your hands in any way at all. Yeah, it's basically a clock ticking down to the point when you inevitably set yourself ablaze. So this is probably a project for full-time supervillains who are likely to have top-notch health insurance.

What supervillain doesn't want to harness the power of the sun? Oh, we're not talking about some pussy solar panels. We mean the stuff that powers the sun itself: nuclear fusion. Whether it's to melt the faces off troublesome do-gooders or simply bake a potato, fusion is the terrifying power of today's ne'er-do-well.

OK, How Do I Do It?

This how-to explains how to make a "Farnsworth Fusor." This high-energy device is named for Phil Farnsworth, but we prefer to think it shares its name with the wacky professor from Futurama, because then you know terror and awesomeness are imminent.

It looks like a minisub having sex with a fire extinguisher. And it can kill you.

Some of the skills you will acquire with this experiment include metalworking, high-powered electrical engineering, understanding plasma physics and insane monologuing. The instructions include where to acquire the parts, and links to places that detail how to assemble them. If you are patient, you can slowly gather parts for your fusion device for as little as $200. Not a bad price to melt a hole to the center of the Earth and recruit those Molemen.

As long as you sub-contract them from The Mole Man.

The tutorial was made by someone with enough conscience to include safety instructions, offering up warnings like: "Don't touch any exposed wires because you'll die" and "The fusion reactions give off X-rays, which will probably fry your testicles."

In fact, if you amp up your reactor enough, the X-rays will go right through the stainless steel, so use lead, or a minion who you don't mind losing to nut cancer.

Will It Work?

Why wouldn't a homemade nuclear device work? There even seems to be a group of "hobbyists" that do this kind of thing all the time. Generally you never even hear about it, except for when boy scouts nearly melt several city blocks or whatever, but that isn't going to stop you from completing your plans of being a danger to yourself and your neighbors, right?

Every villain needs a lair, and while it would be nice to have a massive underground facility like Cheyenne Mountain to yourself, the villian-on-a-budget needs to think a little smaller.

Just leave room for your big-screen computer and death ray.

OK, How Do I Do It?

This helpful guide doesn't just explain how to build an underground bunker under your home, they have tips for doing it without arousing suspicion. Now that's thinking ahead. We think that's what did in all of those Bond villains; long before MI6 came calling, the locals noticed truckload after truckload of drywall heading toward that skull-shaped volcano outside of town.

Thus the guide suggests doing things like disposing of dirt in five-gallon bucket-fulls, just a bit at a time all Shawshank style. Then you need to sneak in building supplies a bit at a time because God knows if the neighbors see you carting lumber into the yard they're going to have to assume the next step is laying waste to the Eastern seaboard with a destructo-ray and setting yourself up as Supreme Ruler of Earth.

Will It Work?

Now, we're not engineers here, but even without doing pages of calculations we're pretty sure that if you build a hole under your house big enough, your house will eventually fall into it. That seems like one of those basic gravity things so keep that in mind.

Real villains build giant floating death cities anyway.

Also, for a "bunker" we're not seeing a lot of instructions here for running electricity, closed-circuit surveillance cameras, food supply, air filtration etc. In fact, the "bunker" in the instructions sounds suspiciously like "a hole."

See, this is the mistake that got Saddam caught. They really are two different things.