Cracked Round-Up: Too Tired to Work Edition

It's a bright time at the Cracked offices. And by that I mean management has installed 10,000 watt bulbs on the roof of every stall, office and dormitory. None of us have slept in days. We've turned feral. Most of the interns have already been eaten, or worse. Poop is everywhere and, worst of all, our PS3 is totally down. Which means no Netflix while we cannibalize Steve at lunch today.

Psychic detectives, schmischmick...detetectives. Soren's column on was a brutal indictment of an industry that already knows how awful it is. Christina kept the lectures coming, with tips towards being less dumb with the word sounds you spit out of your mouth hole. Bucholz had some helpful hints for hacking past someone's voicemail security, while Gladstone took a hard look our so-called music "classics". Seanbaby combed far-flung shops to find the most American knick-knacks that ever came from not-America.

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The space shuttle was the shit. And Brockway was nearby to document exactly why you'll miss it. John Cheese capped us off with another dose of worldly wisdom courtesy of video games.

5 Super Villain Tactics Science is Using to Kill Mosquitos
Next target: Lemurs. We don't trust their shifty eyes.
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Notable Comment: "Keep in mind that because Mosquitoes drink blood, they are nutrient rich food for small animals - ANIMALS WE NEED TO EAT: fish, birds, etc. Yes Mosquitoes kill humans, but, they are only vectors for disease and there are too many of us anyway."

That may be true, Jonathan Norman, but how badly do we really need an ecosystem? What has it done for us lately?

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9 Houses You Won't Believe People Actually Live In
We lived under our desks during that month Brockway set a troll free in the parking garage. But do we get an article? No.

Notable Comment: "The Hobbit hole house is actually a cool idea. Building into the hill side gives to majority of the house that basement insulated effect (nicely cool even when it's 110 degrees outside and reasonable comfortable in the winter). Plus, it would be cheap to curtain."

Selunesmom is right, but she neglects to consider the rising costs of dwarf-proofing.

7 Horrifying Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy
In conclusion: birth control.
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Notable Comment:"*slams hand on table* This tears it. I'm adopting."

You all read Baltimore's post? A little orphan just got a family, thanks to Cracked. Now, if you'll excuse us, we're off to push ketamine on grade-schoolers to even the scales.

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6 Mind-Blowing Discoveries Made Using Google Earth
Also, one of our lawyers caught his wife cheating in the pool with some Puerto Rican pool cleaner. That was a great day.

Notable Comment:"So how does a whale end up getting trapped in a cave? Did we have land whales at some point? Please tell me we had land whales."

Actually, scotofarabia, there's one in your room right now. (In case you didn't catch that, we're calling you fat.)

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5 Classic Movies That Seemed Like Terrible Ideas at the Time
The moral of this article? No idea is too retarded to make you millions of dollars in Hollywood.

Notable Comment: "bobble: I do hope that's just because you're really young. Because it not, you lived a sad, unhappy (read, never been to Disney) life. I live in West Virginia and I've gone to Disneyland 13 times in the past year. I love that shit."

SteveRudzinski is all about eight dollar hot dogs and forty minute lines for crappy roller coasters.

Agents of Cracked
Cooking for Six (Of The Deadliest People in the World)
Those butterfingers don't look comfortable at all.
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32 Insane Movie Ideas Built Out of Existing Movie Titles
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If We Didn't Care What Our Co-Workers Thought About Us, Video Games From The Point of View of The Villain and The Biggest Controversies of the Distant Future.
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