CRACKED ROUND-UP: Amateur Boxing Edition

Austin, Texas. Home of South by Southwest. Every year the city plays host to thousands of drunken hipsters. And this year, Cracked.com was along for the ride. While most of our adventures this week will need to be kept under wraps until the statute of limitations runs out, we would like to give a warning to any of our readers eying a trip to the capital of Texas. Flaming Dr. Peppers do not go well with petroleum-based hair gel.

Are you rich? Handsome? An asshole? If so, Soren Bowie will guide your penis on a glorious quest for meaningless sex. Next, Bucholz makes a strong case for a Detroit Robocop memorial statue. Someday soon we might actually consider driving through that fetid smoghole, and not around it. Brockway brought some fear-mongering into our week with a terrifying rant about the fallout from AT&T's decision to cap bandwidth. Just in case you weren't feeling cynical enough, Seanbaby followed up with a list of meaningless words marketers jam down your throat like so much gravy-lubed KFC. Gladstone rolled in with a helpful guide to phrases you say every day that make you look like a gibbering fool. Dan O'Brien closed us off with a call to arms against the horrifying Argentinian Ant menace.

SALES WIZARDRY

6 Real World Jedi Mind Tricks Salesmen Are Using On You Pro-Tip: Go several weeks without showering before you head to a car dealership. Then you'll have the advantage.

Notable Comment: "None of this works when negotiating a half n half with a hooker. Seriously. Don't try it. I have ... scars."

McNuggets has clearly never tried splashing a prostitute in the face with hot coffee.

CREATIVE SOLDIERING

The 6 Most Ingenious Misuses of Military Hardware Nothing goes with mayhem and slaughter quite as well as tea and ice cream.

Notable Comment: "Somewhat disappointed that you didn't include the tale where crewmen from the Navy used their ship's radar to heat their food and ended up inventing the radar. But I guess everyone knows that story."

There's a paradox in YouthCounselor's post. Can you spot it?

TWO-FISTED POLITICS

The Six Most Childish Things Ever Done in Congress Once upon a time, C-SPAN would have been mildly interesting.

Notable Comment: "1798 was in the 19th century? Since when?"

Cracked uses its own proprietary historical calendar, Leggie. We developed it when we realized how few dates in regular history books spelled out parts of human anatomy.

SO CLOSE TO CRAZY

8 Actors Who Look Exactly the Same in Every Movie This article makes every visit to the movie theater approximately 47% more depressing.

Notable Comment: "To add: even Will Smith's computer animated character in Shark Tale is sporting that... grin. I want to say rapeface, but no, I shall not use Will Smith for evil. "

Sadly, Megatonton, Will Smith doesn't feel the same way.

FREAKY FEASTS

The 8 Most Terrifying Diets in The Animal Kingdom We decided to leave "college freshman" off the list. It wouldn't have been fair to the other animals.

Notable Comment: "So I started getting really grossed out during this article, thinking, "Lovely, I just had sushi and I'm reading this." Lo and behold, I get to the part of the article that talks about the bird that eats the puke of other birds, and then there's a picture of sushi beneath that. Thanks, Cracked! *cries through the nausea*"

This isn't an easy job, Jadicegirl, but posts like yours make it all worthwhile. Happy hysterical vomiting!

After Hours

Which Ninja Turtle Are You? Life's Most Important Question The Return of After Hours

YOU YOU YOU!

If Old Wives Tales Turned Out to be True We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Movie Posters Were Honest and Product Mash-Ups We Wish Existed.

3.17.11:

Of course, they're adopted. The kids are obviously Polish.
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Later that night, Trevor left his family to go to the foundry and got hammered.
by Backinblack

3.16.11:

Bill was a great dentist. He was terrible at marketing, though.
by Leaf

Editor's pick:

Vlad the Impressionist.
by TroidDoes

3.15.11:

Not what I meant when I said we should drink a whole case tonight.
by DizzleDrizzle

Editor's pick:

"Sure, you drank it all, but to be a real man, you have to eat the suitcase."
by jtklove

3.14.11:

Before we do this, I feel obligated to tell you, I have termites.
by Gatt

Editor's pick:

"Splinter? I hardly knew her!"
by Glorpinator

3.13.11:

No. I will not play Freebird. Please stop asking.
by crumulent

Editor's pick:

That bird built one fuck of a nest.
by Pieter

3.12.11:

Michael Bay Presents: Fishing
by crumulent

Editor's pick:

"You know what I really hate? Giant, unstoppable, all-devouring hellfires. Wait a second... There's one right behind me, isn't there?"
by Linux

3.11.11:

"And when it stood upright, everyone realized the 2nd gunman WAS the Grassy Knoll!"
by sacvile

Editor's pick:

Even the tumbleweeds in Los Angeles are hipsters.
by Kill_By_Deth