6 Real World Jedi Mind Tricks Salesmen Are Using On You
We've all been there: You go in for a new cell phone battery, then one of the salesmen walks up, and next thing you know you're walking out of there with every iWhatever they had in stock. Once the new gadget smell and irresponsibility high wear off, you're left wondering: How the hell did they do that?
#6.
They Give You Free Coffee
Every single car dealership on Earth has the same setup: Shitty, week-old coffee served out of thimble-size Styrofoam cups. You take it, because it's free coffee and you're going to pre-emptively bleed these sons of bitches for every free thing you can get before they go to town on your wallet -- as you know they invariably will.
But why?
It's actually the coffee's fault. Well, some of it at least: Consumption of caffeine makes people much easier to persuade in general. In a double-blind study, participants who took caffeine pills were far more easily convinced about the benefits of euthanasia than those who had taken placebos. Apparently, this is possible because most people don't actually listen to everything anybody else is saying. The addition of caffeine gives them that little mental boost to be more attentive and therefore more persuadable. So in a way, all those counterculture hippies were right: Starbucks is turning us all into "easily pliable sheep, man."
OH SHIT WHAT IF THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING.
#5.
Cursing
Whether it's George Costanza impressing some Texas businessmen or just an American used-car salesman telling you, "This is a damn fine car! Hey, I wouldn't bullshit a bullshitter! Am I right?" cursing has its place in the business world. You're damn' right it does.
"Balls. Shit-cock. Fuck-spindle. Sign these goddamn papers. Any questions?"
But why?
You'd think that most people, if polled, would probably say that salespeople should avoid using any sort of profanity around customers. A lot of people are uncomfortable with swear words, and even those who aren't could easily find it unprofessional. It turns out, though, that's totally fucking inaccurate. By adding the phrase "dammit" to the beginning or end of a statement, researchers found that people are more inclined to agree with the speaker's opinion when the curse is used. This may be because cursing implies more passion about the subject at hand.
You really know he doesn't care where Scarlett is going to go, or what she is going to do.
But it may be precisely because you don't expect the salesperson to curse in front of you that it's so effective. So when they use profanity in a positive manner (i.e., they aren't telling you to "fuck off into a dickbasket" but are just using it to emphasize how great something is), you pay more attention to the whole argument and are more likely to think the opinion expressed was genuine. While it might seem unprofessional, a salesman using a small curse ("This is a damn good car/television/casket") is more likely to make a sale, since you probably think he's being honest about his feelings instead of just trying to trick you into the more expensive brand.
#4.
Talking Fast
While those Vince Offer and Billy Mays-esque infomercials may seem ridiculous with their fast-talking hosts, they really do convince people to shell out their hard-earned money for a $99 pot-that-is-also-a-strainer. We've got the eight Salad Guns, four Juice Apes and industrial-sized crate of ShamWows to prove it.
"It has the word 'sham' right in its name! How can I go wrong?"
But why?
Even though the slimy fast-talking salesperson a pop culture stereotype, salespeople who speak faster are still perceived to be more intelligent and certain of what they are saying, and therefore have more trusted opinions than salespeople who speak at a "normal" conversational speed.
There is an upper limit, though; the fastest "normal" rate of speech is about 194 words a minute. If you get much higher than that you start sounding like a speed freak instead of just someone who really knows what he's talking about. So be wary if a salesperson starts upping the tempo a bit right as you try to walk away -- it doesn't mean he suddenly stopped being a douche who's trying to force something you don't need on you; it just means he may have also read this article.
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But also watch out for...
I like friendly waitstaff that takes the extra second to write 'Thank You' and a smiley face on my check, but touching my arm is weird unless I know that person really well. That's going a bit too far and, depending on the person, it could come off as creepy.
ReplyWish I knew about #3 when I was still dancing... "Do you like boobs? Would you like to see some up close? How about a dance?"
Reply"The difference between a 15 percent and 20 percent tip can be as simple as a smiley face drawn on your bill, a touch on your arm or a free mint with your check." Yes, it is. Touch me or crouch down or address me by my first name and you're getting the lower of those two amounts. If that. PERSONAL SPACE, WAITSTAFF.
ReplyI'm using this article for pure evil. Bonus commission & that trip to hawaii? CHECK!
Reply"Pro Tip: Faking a seizure is enough to drive away all but the most dedicated salespeople."
ReplyHaha!
At the end of the first page, the last line of text was "But also watch out for..." immediately followed by an ad for a used car dealership. I found this amusing.
Reply"Balls. Shit-cock. Fuck-spindle. Now up rate this comment. Any questions?
ReplyThumbed down.
Yes, one, The fans loved your "Fuck-Spindle" comment, they want to know what inspirational information you can give then about being the worlds most imaginative swearer.
I think when salespeople curse, we like that it makes them seem more folksy, more down to earth, someone you'd like to have a beer with.
ReplyNot one, when looking for cars, appliances, basically anything that has a sales person involved I am 'just looking' and do my own research ahead of time. Never had one of these as an issue.In fact most of these would push me away from the sale.
Replythree thumbs down for those who can't think for themselves apparently, the 'easily swayed'
Idk, I think a lot of these would be more effective if, say, people didn't have any idea salespeople were trying to sell them things or that waiters/waitresses want tips, but most people do.
ReplyAs for the cursing I'd say it's probably more of a device to try to get the person to feel at ease, exactly because people think salespeople usually wouldn't/shouldn't curse. Because of that fact, when a salesperson curses it helps people view them as a friendly, average joe which in turn helps to circumvent the wall people normally put up towards salespeople, and it helps people think of them as humans, as it's easy to forget sometimes that everyone is human, even salespeople...even though out of all the occupations they'd probably be the most likely to be robots.
As for the others though, you have something like the foot in the door thing; maybe if one wasn't wary as soon as some trivial question like that was asked, but I, and I think many people, would be pretty wary if someone walked up to me and asked 'do you care about children?'. A person's natural reaction would to wonder what their real intention is, since the obvious answer to such a question is yes and even if someone hates children, they usually aren't going to admit that to strangers. I usually try not to at least.
The same goes for waiters. If no one had any idea why waiters were being nice that would be different, but most people full well know their motivation. That's why people (or at least people I've been with) will deduct from a waiters tip at times if the waiter overdoes the whole being 'nice' thing and needlessly attends to our table to the point of being bothersome; if we believed they were legitimately just trying to be nice and were hovering a lot because that's how they are, we probably would still tip better than usual since the thought is there at least, but in a situation like that it's obvious they're acting that way because they want a big tip, so it feels much more appropriate to not tip really any more than usual as hopefully that would be an indication not to be so everpresent in the future.
Non-physical means such as number one would be more effective as people are less likely to be aware that it's happening, but in a business setting people tend to often be wary of anything that anyone says or does.
What really pisses me off is when they expect a tip when you go pick your food up at a s****y restaurant like Applebees or BW3, or when they put a tip jar by the register at a f*****g subway.
ReplyMaybe I'm the only one, but I find that evey one of this techniques would make me more likely to give the salesperson a strange look and walk away without buying anything. In the best scenario.
ReplyNope I just posted a few above you saying the same thing.
thank you, kathy. i will be using this article for evil. don't blame yourself, i use all of cracked articles for evil.
ReplyBloody hell, at Best Buy, though, the salespeople (at least now) don't make commission. You buying that protection plan or tech support or even a f*****g bag with your laptop is the difference between us getting reliable hours or getting our asses chewed out. We make nothing extra off customers. We only hard sell to avoid punishment.
ReplySo sorry if I seem pushy or nervous when you grimace at my offer of a credit card. I'm probably worried about making rent.
i worked in PCHO for a couple of months over the holidays to get a little extra scratch, and you're absolutely right. i'll tell you what worked for me: "hey, i make the same whether you take the protection plan or not. i'm only letting you know your options because you wouldn't be the first guy to drop this thing in the parking lot. that black tie you're grimacing at could be the difference between you surfing the web tonight or having a $750 paperweight. like i said, i make the same either way, i'm just looking out for you!" obviously they won't ALWAYS take it, but they'll feel a lot more comfortable around you and by making them imagine spending all that money for something that could become useless in an instant, an extra $100-$250 doesn't seem that big a deal. i never pushed geek squad though, because those guys are useless and almost invariably total pr*cks.
@stfu
the problem is that i will assume you are lying or at least dishonest in some way about the 'making the same no matter what you buy', especially if you follow it up by trying to scare me with that 'you could break it within an hour'
I'm Mr. Pink. f**k tipping....THAT IS, unless I've been helped BEYOND what I expect. And because they will suck the s**t from my boots for an extra tip, I expect a lot.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI actually don't expect a lot. I just don't believe in tipping someone for doing their job. You don't get an A+ for doing a C thing. You get an A for going beyond. But for those who DO go beyond, there is much tipping.
you missed the point entirely. your tip IS the salary for doing their job. they make $2.15 a freaking hour in most places. the fact that the restaurant doesn't have to pay them anything more than peanuts helps keep the costs of the food their serving you lower. mr. pink's point was you don't tip the guy at mcdonald's, why tip another person who is doing the same basic job? the answer is, you don't tip the guy at mcdonald's because he's making 5 times what the server makes! that's okay though, bud. if you frequent the same restaurants, the servers already know you're a miserable human being, and won't be doing anything above or beyond the absolute minimum for you. and frankly, you don't deserve any more than that.
Cunning, you need to read the book "Nickeled and Dimed".......it talks about this very thing, and how a server making a servers wage (ie in many states around $2.75), even getting tipped 10% on each bill, will make enough money over the course of a year to fall WELL BELOW THE POVERTY LINE. In otherwords, your a*****e behaviour and outlook on tipping is causing some poor waiter/waitress to be living on the streets next year. But yeah continue being a self-centered, pompous, douchbag, youre a Champ!
You have also apparently never worked a day in your life in the service industry, which in my opinion everyone needs to do at least once in their life!!!!!
Restaurants really should pay their workers at least minimum wage. Saying that the customers should pay for their cheapness with their customer's tipping is bull$hit.
lmao Was that a Spinal Tap reference?
ReplyYes. The movie came out over 25 years ago and people have been referencing that one joke ever since. Get over it.
Whoa, this kind of takes me back. I learned a lot of these techniques in my psychology class two years ago.
ReplyI love crackeds segways
Reply"charity workers accosts you.
Reply Hide All See All 9 Replies"Sir? Do you care about children?""
You say 'no', instead of acting like you're the gum on the sidewalk.
"For our foreign readers who come from a "tipping is totally optional" culture, in the United States, it's kind of a big deal."
No, it isn't.
"The idea of leaving no tip, even after below-average service, is almost impossible to contemplate."
Complete bulls**t.
I think this author's vagina gained a mind of its own and has taken over the rest of her body, because I can pick up no impression of anything other than 'huge total p***y'.
You're...you're an idiot, aren't you?
no thats all quite true....you obviously dont hang out in this part of the world very much. Or your just being anti-american. Do you want the terrorists to win? is that it?
spoken by someone who has never worked as a waiter in the US.
Also, someone who probably gets his food spit in. A lot.
I think he tips people to spit in his food.
@mag_mark yes... everyone who has any problem with america is a terrorist.
this was just so precious. when you grow up, and actually start going to restaurants without mommy and daddy, you let us know how much these cute little perspectives of your change. thanks :)
i do say 'no' when some charity-person walks up to me in the street, but since i'm 100% sure i wasn't gonna give them money i think that's actually the most polite option: they won't waste their time on me. it would be more rude to let them give their talk for 10 minutes and THEN say 'no'.
@Sybren117 I'm pretty sure terrorists don't understand jokes. You are a terrorist, aren't you?
I don't tip.
My first page ended with the "but also watch our for..." and directly below it was a picture of couple of lasers. Awesome.
ReplyMy first page had an advert for a car sale pitch!