6Skuas Eat Terror Vomit
With apologies to the eye-poking moth, there may be an even bigger asshole in the animal kingdom. The skua, kind of a dickhead seagull, is what's known as a kleptoparasite. Next time your roommate raids the fridge and eats your food, call him this and see how he reacts.
While other seabirds waste valuable energy catching fish, the skua takes a schoolyard bully approach and just harasses the shit out of its seagull cousins, dive-bombing and terrorizing them until they're so exhausted and terrified that they have to puke. This is the skua's goal. While the victim is rocking back and forth in a fetal position somewhere, the skua swoops down and slurps up a nice, curdled mass of stinking, partially digested seafood.
Hey, it's a delicacy in some places.
During winter months, terror vomit can account for up to 95 percent of a skua's diet, making it the only thing in nature with grosser eating habits than Guy Fieri. Of course, if the victim doesn't have anything to throw up, the skua will eventually get sick of trying to scare it and will simply kill and eat the bird. Thankfully, schoolyard bullies don't take their tips from the animal kingdom.
Photo by Mila Zinkova
"Gimme yer lunchseal!"
5Caecilians Eat Their Mothers' Skin
Though they look like earthworms, these burrowing animals are actually amphibians, like frogs and salamanders, though unlike many other amphibians, the females build a nest where they dutifully protect their babies until they're large enough to fend for themselves. So dutifully, in fact, that they never even leave them to look for food, having evolved an alternative as heartwarming as it is nauseating.
Every three days, baby caecilians employ specialized, temporary fangs to strip the skin from their mother's body and feast upon it.
Photo by Dawson
"We're actually much worse than we look!"
Luckily (or horrifically, depending on how you look at it), the caecilian mother has the rejuvenation skills of Wolverine. So she can look forward to weeks of tiny worm monsters cannibalizing her again and again and again. At this point we forget whether we're writing an article about animals or Dante's Inferno.
Moms of the world, before you bitch at your kids about everything you sacrificed to make them happy, consider for a moment whether you would have let them gnaw your boobs off over and over. Yeah, we didn't think so.