4

Leaving Warning Messages for Humans of the Far Future

Major civilizations come and go over the course of history. Even ones that dominate for thousands of years will eventually fall into dust. But they always leave shit buried in the dirt. Since the statute of limitations for littering is probably just short of a few thousand years, we accept that fact and use these leavings to study them. One day, in turn, somebody will be studying us the same way.

"... What our early ancestors needed with one-fingered gloves, we may never know."

And we're probably going to kill them for it.

See, unlike previous civilizations, where the biggest worry was uncovering somebody caught rubbing one out while Vesuvius erupted, our society is capable of leaving things that will stay dangerous basically forever. Like Yucca Mountain, the giant, soon-to-be glowing mound in Nevada and America's possible storage facility for nuclear waste. If we do end up dumping tons of radioactive material there, any future people (or aliens) who dig it up are going to seriously regret messing with the past. Hey, it's like we're setting up our own mummy's curse! Awesome!

"Bjorn, no one would go to the trouble of hollowing out a mountain if they weren't hiding some real cool shit."

3

Fighting Asteroids with Robots

Asteroids fly past Earth with a slightly worrying frequency, especially since we don't know most of them are even there until they pass us. The sun literally blinds astronomers to their presence, so the chances of us knowing that one is on a collision course is infinitesimal. So what do we do if we ever actually have a window of time when we know the Big One is coming? Personally, we're going to go with "big drunken orgy of crime" followed by "panic and crying."

Stock up on tear gas and Molotov mixins early, to take advantage of the best deals.

Fortunately, the government has a different plan.

So what is the government doing about it?

Unfortunately, it's straight from the plot of Armageddon.

A group of concerned astronauts from the U.S. and Canada have presented the U.N. with a report detailing the need for an asteroid-impact contingency. Indeed, the astronauts claim that we already have all the technology necessary to go all Armageddon on any bitch-ass asteroid fool enough to step to us ... given enough time, that is. What's enough time? An astonishingly unlikely 20 years' heads-up, in some cases. That's how long scientists would need for the safest plan, which involves using mirrors or lights to deflect an asteroid off course just enough to miss us.

2

Civilization Collapsing from Climate Change

It's easy to underestimate how very unstable our planet's ecosystem is. Any major change could throw human civilization as we know it right out the window. In theory, the next major earthquake, volcanic eruption, or yes, even the Earth's temperature rising a degree or two through human means (read: wizards) could completely and utterly change everything about the planet. Yet most of these things are hard to predict and impossible to stop, so what is a government to do? Well, there's not much they can do to prevent it, but they can prepare for the inevitable aftermath. Take, us, for example: We've bought inner tubes. Lots of them. We're solid over here.

So what is the government doing about it?

The Global Business Network, while sounding like the subject of a Nigerian scam email, is an actual entity that tries to predict the unthinkable worst-case scenarios of the future. One of its 22-page reports (which it somewhat worryingly recommends be "considered immediately") bases its conclusions on a sudden drastic change in Earth's temperature from an actual event of this type 8,200 years ago (read: when wizards fought the dinosaurs).

1

Regulating Future Weather-Control Technology

Geoengineering is the politically correct term for the potentiality of governments or businesses to one day control the global climate. And we're here to tell you: Weather domination is not just for comic book supervillains anymore! There are real scientists from many countries working right now on means of dictating weather patterns. The rationale for this is always benign-sounding, of course: We could stop hurricanes as soon as they form, saving thousands of lives, or even end global warming (by redirecting the hurricanes onto those damned wizards, probably). Basically, God-playing scientists of the world are developing the technology for better or worse, so it's best to just accept that at some point, someone bad is probably going to get his hands on it and use it against us all -- unless Spider-Man gives himself up by noon.

So what is the government doing about it?

Mandating! Mandating the shit out of things! At the very least, blocking out the sun will be illegal, thanks to a U.N. resolution. Not because they're worried about supervillains per se. No, just in case some totally well-intentioned nation decides that partially blocking the sun's rays will help slow climate change. We're not talking "big discs on a mountain" here, though.

Although that is universally agreed to be the straight pimpingest way to do it.

No, some scientists propose injecting chemicals into the atmosphere that would effectively "darken" it, letting in less light and heat. So if, say, China decided that this global warming thing was going too far but didn't feel like cutting carbon emissions or any of that hippie crap, it might find the "scientific" approach, which in this case means "inducing eternal twilight," a bit more to its liking. Economists have gone on record stating that geoengineering like this would cost a "fraction" of the amount of prevention policies, while essentially achieving the same results, so it makes sound economic sense.

That's right: Blocking out the sun is just good business.

Don't worry, though! We've got that U.N. resolution, and those are always followed to the letter.

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For more events we need to plan for, check out 5 Cosmic Events That Could Kill You Before Lunch and 5 Bizarre Ways the Weather Can Kill You Without Warning.

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