And we have to assume that more than once a day, some ancient worshiper dropped his coins in, got nothing in return, and then immediately rocked the machine back and forth while cursing under his breath. At least we've ironed that little wrinkle out.
Believed to have been invented in...
1966, by Ted Marche.
The 1960s were a volatile time for the world. In the US, students were being shot and killed at anti-war rallies; in Britain, the Rolling Stone's were recording Street Fighting Man; in France, there was rioting in Paris; while in California, Ted Marche was designing things for women to stick in their vaginas.
One night in 1966, middle-aged ventriloquist (that's right, ventriloquist) Marche sat down at the family dinner table and began carving a six inch cock. It was the beginning of something beautiful, sort of creepy and incredibly lucrative; Marche went on to build a million dollar industry out of his invention. By 1976, Marche Manufacturing (Cracked would have went with Ventriloquist Cock, Inc.) had sold nearly five million dildos. None of these though sold in Texas, where they passed a law banning their sale. For more information on the state of Texas and their fear of dildos, why not read this 33 page essay by Phoebe Godfrey Ph.D. of Texas A&M on Texan dildos, the last page of which is a "dildo release form."
Actually invented in...
In 2005, a group of archaeologists discovered 13 fragments of siltstone at a site in Germany. Upon unearthing the 14th, they put the pieces together and realized that their great archaeological discovery was not, in fact, an ancient Greek computer or a primitive Mesopotamian battery, but a massive dildo. Like Isaac Newton and gravity, Einstein and relativity and Columbus and America, their names would forever be associated with their discovery: really, really old cock.
The dildo is 20 centimeters long, three centimeters wide and dates to the Ice Age, where women, judging by the objects size, apparently had a "massive capacity". Professor Nicholas Conard, a member of the team that, ahem, examined the dildo, spoke about their find saying: "In addition to being a symbolic representation of male genitalia... It's highly polished." Indeed.
While they may have discovered the oldest known sex toy, they didn't discover the only one. It seems that as long as human beings have had holes, we've invented things to put in those holes. Sex toys were commonly used in ancient Greece and according to always reliable source Wikipedia, archaeologists regularly discover ancient dildos but are reluctant to label them as such, probably because they don't want to be known as "that guy that keeps discovering dildos--you know, Indiana Dongs."
To see more ways we're inferior to our ancestors, check out 6 Insane Discoveries That Science Can't Explain. Or find out about some puzzingly dumb mysteries they left behind for us that we do (or at least should) have answers for, in 6 Famous Unsolved Mysteries (With Really Obvious Solutions).
And check out Cracked.com's Top Picks, which may or may not have been innovated by Hero.