But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia."
What the Fuck is That?
We'll tell you what it isn't: The 80s B-movie featuring Lana Clarkson's immaculate breasts.
No, this is much worse. The deathstalker scorpion blends into the desert sands of Africa and is half the size of your foot. Deathstalker's are aggressive and very nervous about intruders. Since you're likely to not see them when you start fucking around in their habitat, you'll probably end up getting stung several times.
What's this Funny Feeling?
It's six different fast-acting neurotoxins that are about to make you drop into the fetal position. The venom from a deathstalker is meant to completely immobilize its prey so that--you guessed it--it can eat it alive.
Thankfully, you're much bigger than anything a deathstalker eats. Or are you?
Here it is, deathstalking. Or stalking death. Whatever. Something horrifying.
Will I Be Alright?
It's called the fucking deathstalker. What do you think?
It causes several deaths annually. If you're a healthy, strapping adult you can probably make it out alive. Kids, the elderly and geek types whose bodies have atrophied from years of video games, won't be so lucky.
2
Brazilian Wandering Spider
What the Fuck is That?
While vacationing in Brazil, you decide you want the full experience and venture off to pick bananas with the locals. As you wrestle bundles out of the tree, you feel something fall on you. And that something looks like the Devil incarnate.
The Brazilian wandering spider, or Spawn of Satan from here on out, can get to be a whopping ten-inches long (that's leg to leg). It's one of the most aggressive spiders in the world, no doubt emboldened by generations of much larger creatures running and screaming at the sight of it.
They like to rest wherever it is cool and dark (like your bed, at night!) and nothing pisses them off more than having their resting place disturbed.
What's this Funny Feeling?
Every bite from the Spawn of Satan--twice as potent as the black widow's--will result in excruciating pain. This is due to the fact that, aside from the neurotoxin, their bites contain high levels of serotonin. While the neurotoxin is busy shutting down your primary functions, that serotonin is heading straight for your brain. Once there, it'll cause intense tremors throughout your body and incredible pain.
Source: Science.
While not every bite has enough hellfire to take down a fully-grown man, it should be noted that another effect of the spider's bite is priapism (named after the Greek god with wooden balls). "What's that?" you ask. Well friends, imagine taking viagra and achieving that rock-hard boner you've been looking for, but instead of a little blue pill helping you achieve it, it's that thing up there. And instead of it being a pleasurable experience to your loins, it's extremely painful and lasts for hours. And fixing it may involve the doctor puncturing your dick with a sharp object to release the blood.
Will I Be Alright?
Remember that "most aggressive spider" thing we mentioned? Well the Spawn of Satan also has another common title: "World's Deadliest Spider." If that dose of neurotoxin and serotonin goes unchecked, it will shut down your body. Permanently. Luckily these nightmare-inducing monsters reside in the warm climates of South America. After all, when are you ever going to be in South America?
Oh hey, and remember when we said they like to hide in dark corners? One of their favorite spots is in shipping containers, such as boxes of bananas. Oh, and you might also run into one at the hospital.
"I- Wait a minute, you're not my doctor. You're not my doctor!
What the Fuck is That?
Imagine that the stresses of life finally get to you and, after months of depression you snap. You make that final decision: You're going back to Australia again.
Having left a note behind for your loved ones and doling out your worldly possessions to your heirs, you go swimming in the oceans around northern Australia. You catch glimpse of something glimmering in the water. It's moving.
It's chironex fleckeri, an extremely venomous species of box jellyfish. You are about to get what you came for.
What's this Funny Feeling?
The chironex's venom is fast-acting and multi-purposed. It goes after the nervous system, heart and skin at the same time, in a multi-pronged attack of horror.
Will I Be Alright?
There is an antidote to the chironex venom. Do you happen to have it in your hand, there in the middle of the ocean? No? That's too bad, because a person can be killed within four minutes of the sting.
Congratulations, you can await the sweet, sweet embrace of death.
Be sure to check out Fitzgerald's friend Thad over at CallMeThad
For more horrifying creations of Mother Nature, check out 6 Endangered Species That Aren't Endangered Enough. Or check out the Bobby Knight's of the animal kingdom in The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom. And be sure to visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what we're looking at instead of working.
Fitzgerald Smith
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