Fitzgerald Smith
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They say good things come in small packages. You know what else comes in small packages? Unrelenting pain and horror.
You can thank Mother Nature for that, as she has seen fit to equip some of the tiniest creatures with the most crippling--and deadly--venom. So read this and remember to give your boot a good shake before shoving your foot in there.
What the Fuck is That?
If you're planning any hikes in the jungle in the near future, you might come across this cute little fella. Weighing about an ounce and reaching the impressive size of one inch, the Golden Dart Frog is indigenous to the rain forests in Colombia. Look at the little guy! It makes you want to take one home, doesn't it?
What's this Funny Feeling?
If you missed your high school biology class on brightly colored animals, then chances are you did pick up the frog. Unfortunately for you, their skin is covered in enough poison to kill ten fully grown human beings. That's right, a frog that is potentially smaller than your wang (we can't stress potentially enough) will kill you and your nine best friends if you fuck with it.
The Golden Dart Frog's poisonous skin is nothing new to the people of Colombia. Tribesmen have been wiping the tips of their darts on these amphibians for centuries, utilizing the toxins as a weapon and, thus, providing the modern name for these little bastards.
Wouldn't this be more effective? Just saying.
Scientists speculate that these frogs amass their toxins through the prey they eat, who spend time ingesting toxins from the various vegetation in their environment. This speculation came from the fact that frogs raised away from the rain forest aren't poisonous at all. How does that help you when you're dying thousands of miles away from the non-poisonous frog? It doesn't.
Will I Be Alright?
Probably not. Extensive research via wikipedia yielded this result:
"Currently no effective antidote exists for the treatment of batrachotoxin poisoning."
So unless you're leimadophis epinephelus, a breed of snake that can consume the frogs (if you're reading this, you're probably not), stay the fuck away.
What the Fuck is That?
So you're on vacation in Australia, drinking a Fosters, chasing dingos away from your babies and arguing about what things are and are not knives. You sign up to go on a scuba tour of the Great Barrier Reef. After a quick tutorial on what you can and cannot touch that you didn't even understand (they are speaking Australian after all), you're down in the ocean exploring the reef. One small and particularly beautiful shell grabs your attention and you pick it up out of curiosity. That's when you feel a pinch on your palm.
Congratulations, you've just been stung by one of Australia's deathly toxic residents.
What's this Funny Feeling?
That funny feeling is cocktail of toxins that were just lanced into your hand by a harpoon. Cone snails can fire off those harpoons in any direction and they use them to paralyze fish (at which point they then eat them--alive). Fortunately, you're too big for the cone snail to eat. Unfortunately, the toxins still affect you in a terrible way. Depending on which species of cone snail you picked up, you're either feeling the effects of your nervous system being fucked to hell or you're suffering this delightful symphony of shit, per Wikipedia:
You'll need both of these. And a bucket. And several small miracles.
"Paresthesias of the lips and tongue are followed by sialorrhea, sweating, headache, weakness, lethargy, ataxia, incoordination, tremor, paralysis, cyanosis, aphonia, dysphagia, seizures, dyspnea, bronchorrhea, bronchospasm, respiratory failure, coma, and hypotension. Gastroenteric symptoms are often severe and include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, and abdominal pain. Cardiac arrhythmias may precede complete respiratory failure and cardiovascular collapse."
And you probably haven't even made it to dry land yet.
Will I Be Alright?
That depends on how competent the people around you are. There is no cure for the cone snail's venom, and treatment is simply based on how long your rescuers can keep you alive while your body pisses, shits and vomits the toxins out. If the people saving you haven't already fled the scene of your body exploding from every orifice, their CPR is simply meant to keep you breathing until you've shat the last little bit of venom out.
What the Fuck is That?
After that pants-shitting near-death experience with the cone snail, you opt to explore the shallow tidal pools on shore. After scavenging through all the dully colored shells, you come upon a tiny octopus. As you approach, bright blue rings appear on the its skin. Curious, you pick the magical creature up.
Luck is not on your side today. The appearance of those bright rings is the warning sign of the blue-ringed octopus.
What's this Funny Feeling?
Or no feeling, as it turns out. The beak of the golf ball-sized bottom feeder is strong enough to pierce through wetsuit gloves and give the handler a fatal dose of venom. You probably won't feel the toxins, at first. That's only because you'll be completely paralyzed. But believe us when we tell you that you'll begin to feel pain when you realize you can't breathe.
You don't need to point. We see it.
The venom from these tiny sea creatures is created by the bacteria that live in their air sacs. The deadly cocktail contains ten toxins in all, designed to leave you paralyzed and yet completely aware of your surroundings.
Will I Be Alright?
Like the cone snail attack, it all depends on how much the people around you know about what's happened. If they realize that you've been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus (whose venom is powerful enough to kill 26 human beings within a couple of minutes), rescue breathing may keep you alive.
But if no one is aware of what happened, you'll probably just appear dead to the world. Nobody will know that you're paralyzed and can't breathe. As they pack you into a body bag, your body reflexively shitting itself, your one final thought will be: "Man, fuck Australia."
What the Fuck is That?
We'll tell you what it isn't: The 80s B-movie featuring Lana Clarkson's immaculate breasts.
No, this is much worse. The deathstalker scorpion blends into the desert sands of Africa and is half the size of your foot. Deathstalker's are aggressive and very nervous about intruders. Since you're likely to not see them when you start fucking around in their habitat, you'll probably end up getting stung several times.
What's this Funny Feeling?
It's six different fast-acting neurotoxins that are about to make you drop into the fetal position. The venom from a deathstalker is meant to completely immobilize its prey so that--you guessed it--it can eat it alive.
Thankfully, you're much bigger than anything a deathstalker eats. Or are you?
Here it is, deathstalking. Or stalking death. Whatever. Something horrifying.
Will I Be Alright?
It's called the fucking deathstalker. What do you think?
It causes several deaths annually. If you're a healthy, strapping adult you can probably make it out alive. Kids, the elderly and geek types whose bodies have atrophied from years of video games, won't be so lucky.
What the Fuck is That?
While vacationing in Brazil, you decide you want the full experience and venture off to pick bananas with the locals. As you wrestle bundles out of the tree, you feel something fall on you. And that something looks like the Devil incarnate.
The Brazilian wandering spider, or Spawn of Satan from here on out, can get to be a whopping ten-inches long (that's leg to leg). It's one of the most aggressive spiders in the world, no doubt emboldened by generations of much larger creatures running and screaming at the sight of it.
They like to rest wherever it is cool and dark (like your bed, at night!) and nothing pisses them off more than having their resting place disturbed.
What's this Funny Feeling?
Every bite from the Spawn of Satan--twice as potent as the black widow's--will result in excruciating pain. This is due to the fact that, aside from the neurotoxin, their bites contain high levels of serotonin. While the neurotoxin is busy shutting down your primary functions, that serotonin is heading straight for your brain. Once there, it'll cause intense tremors throughout your body and incredible pain.
Source: Science.
While not every bite has enough hellfire to take down a fully-grown man, it should be noted that another effect of the spider's bite is priapism (named after the Greek god with wooden balls). "What's that?" you ask. Well friends, imagine taking viagra and achieving that rock-hard boner you've been looking for, but instead of a little blue pill helping you achieve it, it's that thing up there. And instead of it being a pleasurable experience to your loins, it's extremely painful and lasts for hours. And fixing it may involve the doctor puncturing your dick with a sharp object to release the blood.
Will I Be Alright?
Remember that "most aggressive spider" thing we mentioned? Well the Spawn of Satan also has another common title: "World's Deadliest Spider." If that dose of neurotoxin and serotonin goes unchecked, it will shut down your body. Permanently. Luckily these nightmare-inducing monsters reside in the warm climates of South America. After all, when are you ever going to be in South America?
Oh hey, and remember when we said they like to hide in dark corners? One of their favorite spots is in shipping containers, such as boxes of bananas. Oh, and you might also run into one at the hospital.
"I- Wait a minute, you're not my doctor. You're not my doctor!
What the Fuck is That?
Imagine that the stresses of life finally get to you and, after months of depression you snap. You make that final decision: You're going back to Australia again.
Having left a note behind for your loved ones and doling out your worldly possessions to your heirs, you go swimming in the oceans around northern Australia. You catch glimpse of something glimmering in the water. It's moving.
It's chironex fleckeri, an extremely venomous species of box jellyfish. You are about to get what you came for.
What's this Funny Feeling?
The chironex's venom is fast-acting and multi-purposed. It goes after the nervous system, heart and skin at the same time, in a multi-pronged attack of horror.
Will I Be Alright?
There is an antidote to the chironex venom. Do you happen to have it in your hand, there in the middle of the ocean? No? That's too bad, because a person can be killed within four minutes of the sting.
Congratulations, you can await the sweet, sweet embrace of death.
Be sure to check out Fitzgerald's friend Thad over at CallMeThad
For more horrifying creations of Mother Nature, check out 6 Endangered Species That Aren't Endangered Enough. Or check out the Bobby Knight's of the animal kingdom in The 6 Biggest Assholes in the Animal Kingdom. And be sure to visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to see what we're looking at instead of working.
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