8

The Pet Potty Doggy Toilet

There's no reason dogs should be left out of the bathroom revolution, considering their toilet has not seen an advance since "the ground" became popular several million years ago. Now, thanks to the Pet Potty, dog owners don't need to really walk their dogs at all any more. We'll allow the official video to demonstrate:

Yes, at the 1:19 mark, you just saw a full, uninterrupted 15-second shot of an actual dog shitting on their product, before the turd got sprayed away with a shower head and then mulched by a trash compactor or some such.

This indoor toilet for dogs gets installed right into your plumbing, which the website assures us is easy without actually explaining the process, and is such a time saver. Of course you still have to manually hose off the poop each time, unless you can somehow teach your dog to do that.

7

Uni-P Public Urinal

6

The Homophobic Robo-Toilet

Apparently life in Ft. Lauderdale has been brought to a standstill due to rampant homosexual bathroom antics. Not according to the police or anyone sane, just according to the mayor, who's convinced no one can set foot in a public restroom without having to wait behind a gay conga line to use the facilities.

Luckily, the mayor has proposed spending a quarter of a million bucks on a public toilet that's self-locking, self cleaning and, a feature that's sure to not cause any potential lawsuits, it sets off a siren and opens the door if it thinks you've been in there too long.

Yes, what better way to discourage public bathroom sex than by exposing it to a passing crowd of Boy Scouts.

5

The Pit Stop

4

Do it Yourself Compost Toilet

What an age we live in. Finally, as a people, we can take the big toilet companies to task for their price fixing and constant gouging of all of us working shmucks. We're gonna make our own toilet. And not just any toilet, a f*****g $25-or-less toilet. You can't even take a s**t in New York for less than $30, and that's a fact we heard from some guy we met at a party.

Anyway the DIY toilet is, in a nutshell, a box you make with a bucket inside and a hole in the top. We bet you can guess what happens from there. But just in case you think it's as easy as all that, rest assured you need some sawdust to make it a fully functional crap receptacle.

Wait a second, why did we ever have all that flushing and plumbing and other such nonsense when a box and some sawdust is all it takes? You'll find out.

3

Portable Washlet

The Japanese come to the rescue again with the portable washlet, invented for those people who can't stand how public toilets don't squirt them in the ass with water. So now they take this little device, fill it with water, extend "the wand," jam their hand between their legs in the bathroom stall and squirt around until they hit the bull's-eye and achieve satisfaction.

Once again there is surely no possibility of a mortifying mishap when using this device, even if, say, a wacky friend decides to fill it with maple syrup.

2

Blue Light Rest Rooms

One of the worst things about public toilets, aside from hobos bathing in them, s**t on the seats, piss on the seats, piss on the floors, s**t on the floors, people having sex in the them, a lack of toilet paper, no doors, George Michael, s**t on the walls, clogged toilets, pay toilets, someone's love juices on the lock, no hand towels, crappy dryers that don't work and no hot water, is the damned heroin addicts.

Who wants to go into a bathroom and have no idea the guy in the next stall is shooting up until sometime later in the week they hear about it on the news? Well now there's nothing to worry about, beyond those 16 other things we mentioned, thanks to blue light rest rooms.

1

DCBA Urinal Elephant

What did we tell you about the Japanese? Now, in an effort to prove ludicrous cartoons are the answer to everything, a giant, blue piss-sucking elephant exists to clean urinals in Japan.

The robot, designed to look like an elephant because the designer felt that was a logical reversal of a urinal's drain, can clean one out in 10 seconds and save 8 liters of water. This is touted as labor saving while not addressing that the robot weighs 220 lbs. and some poor bastard has to push it around from urinal to urinal.

It's also unclear how just using a brush and some Toilet Duck for a couple seconds then flushing the urinal was wasting both water and man-hours previously. But if we understood any of that we'd understand the need for a piss-drinking elephant robot that weighs as much as a full grown man.

As it is now, all we know is every time we use the bathroom in Japan, we're going to be glancing over our shoulder for fear we'll see this damned thing stalking us.

If you liked that check out Ian's rundown of 8 Classic Movie Robots That Actually Suck at Their Job.

More of Ian Fortey's stuff can be found at ScenicAnemia.com.