10 Highly Anticipated Video Games You'll Never Get To Play

10

StarCraft Ghost

You know those legions of ant-sized grunts you'd cruelly send marching to their bloody demise in Starcraft? Well it turns out one of those grunts was actually a sexy girl named Nova with a penchant for ass-clinging outfits. Who knew?

OK, deep down, all of us knew. And so did Blizzard, who in 2002 teased us with this awesome-looking tactical action game set in the Starcraft universe normally reserved for Real-Time Strategy geeks.

How much ass would it have kicked?
If Blizzard had devoted even a fraction of the same time and effort to Starcraft Ghost's gameplay that they clearly sunk into lovingly rendering agent Nova's taut, bountiful butt cheeks ...

... then this game may have cured cancer had it ever seen the light of day.

So is there any chance it'll come out?
Early in 2006, Starcraft Ghost was put on "indefinite hold," but like the creepy dude who won't get out of his ex's bushes, Blizzard just seems to be incapable of letting this one go. Hell, supposedly Blizzard has a full-sized statue of the game's protagonist Nova sitting in their lobby.

When a company has erected a towering camel-toe flashing statue of a character near the front door of their headquarters, that can usually be taken as a good sign they may still have plans for them. On the other hand, maybe they ordered the statue back when the project was alive and decided that since they paid for it, they might as well use it, dammit.

If Starcraft Ghost ever happens we'd have to think it'd come out after Blizzard's next monster, a little game called Starcraft II. In other words if you're dead set on masturbating to Starcraft units in the near future you'd better plan on buying Starcraft II and a magnifying glass.

9

Star Trek Online

If you're a Star Trek fan and tired of message boards, chatrooms, blogs, wikis and slash fic being the only ways for you to indulge your crippling Star Trek obsession while on your computer, this game was for you. Star Trek Online was to be an online role-playing game, which would feature established Star Trek characters, races and planets.

How much ass would it have kicked?
Between the series and the films and the endless novels, the Star Trek universe is so vast it makes the Starcraft universe look like something scribbled on the back of a napkin. This game could present endless possibilities: Casually stroll the halls of the USS Enterprise, fight a Gorn gladiator to the death, chug Romulan ale with rowdy Klingons, high five commander Riker as you double team alien chicks with strange and exotic foreheads.

If you're a well-adjusted contributing member of society the previous sentence was likely a baffling sequence of gibberish, while if you're a Trekkie you probably just shit your elastic-waist jeans in excitement.

Seriously, though, you don't need to be a Trek fan to get excited about this game. Due to budget constraints most Star Trek episodes consisted entirely of people poking at plywood control panels, spouting techno-babble about tachyon rays or looking pained as they got mind-raped by telepaths (you'd be surprised how often it happened) but a Trek game would be free to shed all that and focus on the kick-ass stuff usually only glimpsed in the TV shows.

8

Shenmue 3

The Shenmue saga was quite simply one of the most ambitious and groundbreaking video game projects ever envisioned (the original cost an astounding $70 million to make, even now one of the most expensive games ever made). Originally intended as a trilogy, Shenmue landed on the Sega Dreamcast and introduced the world to the kind of sandbox-style action that the Grand Theft Auto series later took and ran to the end zone with.

How much ass would it have kicked?
Opinion on Shenmue is somewhat split these days. Detractors argue the games were slow and clunky by today's standards, while Shenmue fanatics argue that the detractors are a bunch of stupidheads.

What can't be denied is the sheer scope of these games. If nothing else, Shenmue III would be one hell of a spectacle if it were finally unleashed, particularly if the proud tradition of compelling dialog from the first two games is carried on ...

7

Dirty Harry

If you ask us, there aren't enough games set in the early '70s, an era when the streets were full of huge cars and pimps, when everybody smoked and cops carried huge revolvers that could kill you from the sound alone.

That's what we were expecting from the Dirty Harry game they were making for the PS3 and XBox 360, in which you got to play as Clint Eastwood's legendary dirty cop, voiced by Eastwood himself.

How much ass would it have kicked?
Let's put it this way: from the trailer it looked like you could interrogate scumbags by squeezing their head in a vice.

Hopefully there'd be an option to unscrew the vice and carry it with you, because you basically can solve every problem that way. Captain on your ass because you're a loose cannon? Put his head in a vice.

On top of that, you have what could have been a truly unique setting, the gritty, funky world of 1972 San Francisco.

6

Diablo III

Diablo III is perhaps the most obsessed-over game to never have its existence officially acknowledged. Numerous sites and message boards are dedicated exclusively to a game that's developing into a legend on par with Bigfoot or Richard Gere's poor gerbil.

How much ass would it have kicked?
The Diablo series is what happens when you let red-blooded, meat-eating Americans make a role-playing game. Gone are the androgynous heroes, talking raccoons and quests that revolve around retrieving used panties you find in Japanese RPGs, replaced instead with demon killing. Lots and lots demon killing. Besides Blizzard simply doesn't make bad games, producing literally nothing but genre-defining classics for the past decade plus.

So is there any chance it'll come out?
Unfortunately for Diablo enthusiasts Blizzard North, the division of the company devoted to the Diablo franchise, dissolved a few years back. Several Blizzard North employees subsequently formed their own company and started developing Hellgate: London, a game fans considered a spiritual successor to Diablo II right up until the moment it came out and they realized it was complete crap.

5

Max Payne 3

For those unfamiliar, the Max Payne games are shooters which feature a dark haired guy who, in between brooding sessions, mows down enough people slow-motion bullet time style to fill a small town. Basically they're The Matrix in video game form except you don't have to put up with incomprehensible navel-gazing storylines or the sight of Keanu Reeve's bare ass.

How much ass would it have kicked?
The first two games in the Max Payne series were very well received (critically at least) and there's no reason to believe the third wouldn't be as well. The formula is hard to screw up.

These games don't feature much in the way of puzzle solving, switch flipping or colored crystal bauble collecting. You pretty much just spend 10 hours killing things in slow motion, and if John Woo's career teaches us anything, it's that killing people in slow motion never really gets old.

So is there any chance it'll come out?
It looked like a sure thing for a while. The end credits of Max Payne 2 teased the possibility of a third entry in the series, but the guy who wrote that isn't the same guy who writes the checks.

4

Project H.A.M.M.E.R.

Killer robots are attacking major cities across the planet. World leaders and the military are helpless before the scourge and mankind trembles in their wake, but our would-be robot overlords didn't count on somebody finding their one fatal weakness: being whacked repeatedly with a really big hammer.

How much ass would it have kicked?
Before the Wii was released people had some rather unrealistic expectations of the system's "Wiimote" controller. Millions were disappointed when they realized it was simply a TV-remote shaped controller that can tell which direction you're waving it, not the freakin' Holodeck.

Still, one thing the Wiimote definitely does well is letting you pummel things by swinging the controller like you're trying to chase away a swarm of hornets. So it's actually promising that Project HAMMER's premise, gameplay and storyline could be summed entirely as "swing the controller to smash shit with a giant hammer."

3

Darkfall

Darkfall was to be an online fantasy role-playing game, first announced back in August 2001. Ironically Darkfall was announced a month before current MMORPG king World of Warcraft, but while WoW has been consuming people's souls and preserving nerd's virginity since 2004, gamers remain in the dark when it comes to Darkfall.

How much ass would it have kicked?
First of all, the world has been badly in need of a World of Warcraft alternative for some time now. Darkfall sounded like the other online role-playing games on the market in a number of ways, but with the addition of unrestricted Player vs. Player (there would be no safe zones from other players in the game), and the ability to build cities (or destroy other people's cities).

2

Metroid Dread

In 2005, there were believed to be two Metroid titles in development for the Nintendo DS. The first, Metroid Prime Hunters, was released in 2006. And then there was Metroid Dread, which has remained hidden deep within Nintendo's secret subterranean headquarters.

How much ass would it have kicked?
It's new 2D Metroid, need we say more? Oh, we do? Really? Well, if you insist.

Mock screen by Alchemist Defined

To the uninitiated, Metroid is one of Nintendo's few series for gamers with sack. It rejects the usual Nintendo-brand electric rodents and Italian man-children in favor of a hot blonde chick named Samus who wears a super-powered robotic suit of armor that she uses to battle evil space dragons. If you find any part of that character description less than awesome get yourself to a doctor immediately because there's something wrong with you.

1

Duke Nukem Forever

You knew this was coming.

To get an idea of the ridiculous length of time this game has supposedly been in development, just ask your average gamer today if they're looking forward to Duke Nukem Forever. Their response would likely be "what the hell's a 'Duke Nukem' and why were retarded people allowed to name it?"

To answer the question, Duke Nukem is a dude with big muscles, a blond flattop and a pair of shades that totally would have got chicks 15 years ago to drop their acid-wash jeans. When he wasn't ogling partially nude strippers he was shooting non-threatening cartoonish aliens while spouting PG-13 level profanity. Oh fudge yeah, if you were 12-years-old in the early '90s Duke Nukem was your wet dreams made pixely reality.