As you can tell by the title, we've crammed a lot of crap into CRACKED this week. Yes sir, this week we definitely have sex, (though it's the creepy, terrifying, Craigslist kind of sex). We also have drugs (provided you're addicted to comedy!). Oh, and ear magnets. We've totally got ear magnets covered. Even if other websites out there can provide you with actual drugs and sex that doesn't necessarily involve cross-dressing monsters, we guarantee you that they won't cater to the screaming demand for ear magnet-related information.
EVEN SCARIER THAN THE INTERNET USUALLY IS!
The 10 Creepiest Craigslist Casual Encounters
Check out this list of disturbing and horrifying possible one-night stands! If you actually find someone that intrigues in this article, then we have seriously misjudged the type of people who read CRACKED. And, frankly, we'd really prefer it if you didn't tell us.
Notable Comment: DitaArgento says "Uhm...I really wish you hadn't chosen to use that Sly Stallone picture next to an advert about fisting. Now those two things will forever be entwined in my mind and I will have horrible nightmares for the rest of my natural life." Speaking of destroying your memories about Sylvester Stallone movies, did you know that Stallone's nickname in Rocky, "The Italian Stallion," was also the title retroactively given to a low-budget porn he appeared in to make money? True story. And, if you think about a young, desperate-for-cash Stallone boning some random bushy '70s porn star every time you hear "Eye of the Tiger," we've done our job.
The 10 Most Ridiculous Inventions Ever Patented
Do you need a device to simulate the activity of getting a high five? No? Oh, alright, how about something that kicks you in the ass? Still no? How do you feel about sticking magnets to the side of your head? Not good, OK, we probably should have expected that. Well, this article most likely won't contain any practical patents for you, unless ... Are you a hilarious-looking dog with floppy, invasive ears? Because there's a thing for that now ...
Notable Comment: Shleigh03 says, "So I was reading this and when it said "exercising a cat" I didn't see physical activities, nope. I saw an invention that would exorcise DEMONS from the cats. Which I think is a much better." Yeah, it's SO much better that now you owe us $900 for even mentioning it: CRACKED picked up the patent on the Cat-Demon-Extraction-Microwave several years ago. Pay up.
FEAR THE BIBLE!
The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses
You can tell your local pastor that he can skip the one about the water into wine this Sunday. Ask him to tell you about the time Moses murdered a random Egyptian and buried his body in the sand. Tell him not to skimp on the graphic violence and foul language.
Notable Comment: Rafterman complains, "why don't you quote - and bag on - the KORAN? oh yeah, i forgot... it's politically incorrect to make fun of MUSLIMS. you are ONLY ALLOWED to bag on Christians. that's Hollywood's credo, and that of CRACKED.COM" Really? "Don't make fun of Muslims, only bag on Christians?" That's our credo? Nothing about online humor? No mention of dick jokes. Nothing? If anything, we've always had a passionate pro-Christian (Bale) stance. But, we're most surprised by Hollywood and our use of the term "bag on" in our official "credo," a phrase we've never heard used by anyone over the age 12.
BOOKS YOU CAN PRETEND YOU READ!
8 Kick-Ass Movies You Didn't Know Were Based on Books
This just in: The plot of Who Framed Roger Rabbit came from a book. This also just in: Who Framed Roger Rabbit had a plot.
Notable Comment: This comments section was divided into two camps: People arguing over who can read the fastest, and a line-for-line reenactment of the movie Anchorman. Did anyone read this article?
iPhone "Delay" Parody
We take down Apple, people who own iPhones, and all pilots everywhere in one, quick video. There's really no telling just who we'll go after next, so watch out, rest of the world.
"Ok, lets see what we got here...
Goat's Head? Check
Hanging Gutted Dear? Check
Dead Firstborn Son? Check
Ok, lets get this ritual started!"
Vladimir Dracul took to impalement from a young age.
Tired of having his puzzles mocked as "easily solved by adolescents," Where's Waldo
author Martin Handford debuts his latest work, simply entitled: Good Luck, Fuckers!
No Flags, they said. But there's always one fucker who has to stand out...
to be honest, you can put the school for the blind pretty much anywhere.
Teach... your children well,
And what the hell - under power lines
And show basket weaving
Because you picked the cave that's nearby.
Standing in a line
Touching my head and nipples
I am white like you
By 2011 Asia's biggest export will be Craption photos.
It was at this point that Glenda realised that the word "Elephant" on her tampons, had not been the
"Go go gadget..WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?"
As the elephant distract the female with his mating calls, the water buffalo hacks into the
Obviously Chun's "wicker room of seduction" seemed like the least popular room at the swingers
party, but if you only knew why that steer was plugged in you would think otherwise.
Micheal Bay's version of Godzilla left studio executives questioning where the $40
million budget went.
Due to cutbacks the Taco Bell chihuahua was forced to take a job at Geico.
Sometimes the stories after the stories are even stranger.
For as much as people love them, the 'Star Wars' movies have gotten rather awkward from time to time.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.
Going for that 16th minute.