Imagine a magical land where every time you told a dick joke, a fairy would appear and drop money in your hand.
Friends, that magical land exists. It's called the Internet, and the fairy is called Cracked.com. We're on the hunt for funny people to write comedy and make videos for us. We have cash. If you're funny, we just need a moment of your time.
Already sold? Click here to find out how to sign up. If you want to know more, read on.
"What is this, some kind of scam?"
We assure you, it is quite real. This website, Cracked.com, was bought by an eccentric millionaire in spring 2007. That man sat the entire staff down in a conference room and stood at the head of the table. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, between drags on an enormous cigar, "I have but one goal today. It is a goal that experts the world over say is impossible."
The room fell into rapt silence.
"That goal, is to make the Internet worse."
His theory was that money could not buy happiness, but it could be used to make the rest of the world less happy, and to thus make him happier in comparison.
His plan was as simple as it was diabolical. Cracked would be a site where pretty much any wise ass off the street, regardless of background or criminal record, could write the articles or make videos... and be paid for it.
Dozens of them submitted their work. Cracked quickly became like a horrific traffic accident the internet could not look away from, like maybe one where a shipment of bibles had crashed into a dildo truck.
That's from Alexa.org. Each of those gray horizontal lines represents ten billion people.
What does this mean to you? Well, it means you can write some article about, say, some weird toys you saw one time (or make a video about it) then have Cracked put it on the site. There, it might be seen by half a million people. Many of those people will also post comments calling you a retard, true, but some time later a check will arrive in the mail and that will make you feel better.
"That sounds too good to be true!"
Consider the case of one Michael Swaim. Swaim is currently incarcerated and uploads his articles when he can get yard time. His only previous Web publishing experience was his blog PicsofHobosIKilled.com (note: site is currently offline as its contents are being used for evidence in a criminal trial). Today Swaim is one of Cracked's most frequent contributors, having written articles about drunken celebrity videos and has even posted his own drunken videos.
If he can do it, so can you.
"I'm sold! What do I have to do?"
Cracked has a forum. Hidden in that forum is a secret, virtual fortress that serves as the Cracked comedy workshop, where writers hang out and come up with ideas. Don't bother looking for it, you can't see it. It's invitation only. Luckily, all it takes to get an invitation is to say you want one. It doesn't matter who you are or if you've never been published before (or published lots).
We don't care. If you're funny, know how to write and/or wield a camera, Click here, read what it says and sign up. If you want to make a video but don't feel like doing any of that shit, you can just post it here. If we like it, we may show up at your door with a suitcase full of money. You can be Internet famous within days.
Please. We urge you. Help us make the Internet worse.
It's hard out there for millionaire purveyors of garbage pizza.
Bawitdaba, pass the green beans.