Online Dating Strategies


It used to be that if you wanted to find a romantic partner, you would be limited to only the small pool of people that went to your high school or lived in your town. If you couldn't find your ideal mate at the local malt shop, you were out of luck. There was also something called "going steady," "petting" and "reefer madness." It was a dark and confusing time.

Internet dating has changed all that, promising databases of thousands of available singles, and the ability to quickly and accurately match clients with their ideal mates. Word of mouth has spread from people who have successfully met their partners online, and those of us who are too busy to meet people normally, leave the house, or maintain our personal appearances have sat up and taken notice.

I recently went to popular Internet dating site Connect4You to see if I could find my ideal woman. Failing that, I would see if I could find any woman. I've documented my story below.

The Actual Truth Stage

Somewhat romantically, I initially started off operating under the notion that it would be best if I could find someone who loved me for who I truly am. After creating my profile, I messaged a dozen or so women on the board, then sat back and waited for their responses.

Name: Strange_Attractor
Quote: Could you be the cheese on the nachos of my existence?

About me: I'm a 27-year-old software developer. I'm a really nice guy, and although I might seem a bit shy at first, that' only until you get to know me. Then I'm just ugly. Ha! That was a little joke. As you can see, I also have an excellent sense of humor.

What I'm looking for: Someone smart, nice, and with a good sense of humor. I'm not too picky about hair color (so long as it' washed, ha ha ha), or body type. So if you've got clean hair, and are even a little fat, I'd love to hear from you.

Hobbies: Video Games, designing web pages for friends, taking online personality quizzes.

Likes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien
Dislikes: none

No responses

The Fudging Of The Truth Stage

Next I decided that I might be better suited 'playing down' my more unattractive qualities and 'lightly inventing' some of my more attractive ones. After browsing around Connect4You for a bit, I noticed a subculture of people who said they were religious. Theorizing that they would be less popular and stuck up then the other girls on the site, I refocused my profile to make me look more pious. Also, on the advice of everyone I've ever spoken to about this, I decided to not mention that whole "works with computers" thing.

Name: LittleBitOfMelchior
Quote: I followed a star in the sky, and found you. I brought myrrh.

About me: I'm a 27-year-old professional. Also, I think you should know I'm already involved in another relationship. You see, Jesus is my girlfriend. Ha ha! That' a little joke. I'd actually like you to be my girlfriend as well. Jesus and I aren't that serious! :-) Although we also are.

What I'm looking for: I'm looking for someone sweet and sincere, who really wants to get to know me before they get to know me. And by know I mean know in the biblical sense. If you know what I'm saying.

I'm talking about sex.

Hobbies: Talking about feelings, writing in my dream journal.
Likes: Ballads written for/about The Lord, Triscuit crackers, knowing things.
Dislikes: Drugs, Smokers, Birth Control

No responses

The Blatant Lying Stage

With none of that working, I created a third profile, and this time tried to make it as unrelated to me as possible. By going through the ads for a hundred or so of the men on Connect4You - something I'd being doing periodically to prove to myself that I'm not gay — I was able to pick out what I considered to be the most attractive elements of all their profiles. I then combined these traits together to form one uber-profile.

Name: SensitiveListeningLawyer42
Quote: I would like to hold you in my arms, and buy things for you with my arms.

About me: I'm a 31-year-old lawyer. I am an incredible listener. I have been listening to things for years, and I am fucking amazing at it. I would like to listen to you talk about how your coworkers aren't as intelligent as you, and would like to know where you buy shoes. I would then like to show you the view from the balcony of my apartment, while we drink red wine, and I continue to listen to you describe things that annoy or delight you.

What I'm looking for: I want someone who' confident; someone that truly believes, deep down inside, that she is incredibly hot. I would also like someone that isn't fooling herself when she thinks that.

It would also be great if you are someone who isn't intimidated when faced with an enormous meat-wand, which Connect4You guidelines prevent me from outright claiming that I have.

Hobbies: Wearing shirts with my collar up, buying accessories for my cell phone.
Likes: Success, listening, the phrase "meat-wand"
Dislikes: The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'Brien

No responses

The Screw You Bastards Stage

Frustrated at my lack of success, I vented my feelings the only way I knew how: by creating another online dating profile.

Name: TasteTheLove_TasteIt
Quote: I'm only creepy on the inside.

About me: I'm a 27-year-old male. Science promises lifelike female robots within the next twenty years, but that' longer than I can wait. Consequently I need a girlfriend. Although I've never actually had sex, I have played several video games that simulate the act, and feel that that experience, combined with my cat like reflexes, means I'll have a pretty good handle on what' going on. So no worries there.

A side note: I am quite religious, and will only be able to date someone who is cool with me worshipping a pewter statue of Pat Sajak.

What I'm looking for: Twins if possible, bisexual twins preferably. Age-wise, it' probably best if you're over 18. No cops please.

Hobbies: Live Action Role Playing
Likes: Collecting edged weapons, Wheel of Fortune
Dislikes: Jeopardy, online relationships with girls that are actually a small team of FBI agents.

1 response, from a team of FBI agents.

The Giving Up On Society Stage

Feeling marginally better about my attempt to freak out the squares at Connect4You, I was still stuck in the same boat I started in: girlfriendless. It wasn't until a couple weeks later when some errant clicking landed me on a really alarming fetish site, when I came to a startling revelation: People who are into fetishes are ugly. Someone who' into freaky sex is willing to do it with ANYONE, provided they're also into their particular flavor of freakiness. I don't have to be handsome, charming or pleasant, so long as I'm willing to get whaled on a bit before having sex. A bit of hunting found a considerably less savory contemporary of Connect4You, where I posted this:

Name: SlapAndTickle_HoldTheTicklePlease
Quote: I hope you need sex really bad, because really bad sex is my specialty.

About me: Have you ever heard of those jerks at Connect4You? Man those fucking ice queens piss me off. All with their coy little profiles featuring pictures of them wearing tank tops. Damn. Anyways, I'm willing to get hit. Go nuts.

What I'm looking for: Anyone. Seriously.

Hobbies: Doing things other people want me to do.
Likes: I guess I can deal with ball gags.
Dislikes: Knives and shit, Connect4You.

1 response from a fat guy and his wife.

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