It used to be that if you wanted to find a romantic partner, you would be limited to only the small pool of people that went to your high school or lived in your town. If you couldn't find your ideal mate at the local malt shop, you were out of luck. There was also something called "going steady," "petting" and "reefer madness." It was a dark and confusing time.
Internet dating has changed all that, promising databases of thousands of available singles, and the ability to quickly and accurately match clients with their ideal mates. Word of mouth has spread from people who have successfully met their partners online, and those of us who are too busy to meet people normally, leave the house, or maintain our personal appearances have sat up and taken notice.
I recently went to popular Internet dating site Connect4You to see if I could find my ideal woman. Failing that, I would see if I could find any woman. I've documented my story below.
The Actual Truth Stage
Somewhat romantically, I initially started off operating under the notion that it would be best if I could find someone who loved me for who I truly am. After creating my profile, I messaged a dozen or so women on the board, then sat back and waited for their responses. Name:
Could you be the cheese on the nachos of my existence?About me:
I'm a 27-year-old software developer. I'm a really nice guy, and although I might seem a bit shy at first, that' only until you get to know me. Then I'm just ugly. Ha! That was a little joke. As you can see, I also have an excellent sense of humor.
What I'm looking for:
Someone smart, nice, and with a good sense of humor. I'm not too picky about hair color (so long as it' washed, ha ha ha), or body type. So if you've got clean hair, and are even a little fat, I'd love to hear from you.Hobbies:
Video Games, designing web pages for friends, taking online personality quizzes.
The Amazing Race, MythBusters, Conan O'BrienDislikes:
The Fudging Of The Truth Stage
Next I decided that I might be better suited 'playing down' my more unattractive qualities and 'lightly inventing' some of my more attractive ones. After browsing around Connect4You for a bit, I noticed a subculture of people who said they were religious. Theorizing that they would be less popular and stuck up then the other girls on the site, I refocused my profile to make me look more pious. Also, on the advice of everyone I've ever spoken to about this, I decided to not mention that whole "works with computers" thing.
I followed a star in the sky, and found you. I brought myrrh.About me:
I'm a 27-year-old professional. Also, I think you should know I'm already involved in another relationship. You see, Jesus is my girlfriend. Ha ha! That' a little joke. I'd actually like you to be my girlfriend as well. Jesus and I aren't that serious! :-) Although we also are.What I'm looking for:
I'm looking for someone sweet and sincere, who really wants to get to know me before they get to know me. And by know I mean know in the biblical sense. If you know what I'm saying.
I'm talking about sex.
Talking about feelings, writing in my dream journal.Likes:
Ballads written for/about The Lord, Triscuit crackers, knowing things.Dislikes:
Drugs, Smokers, Birth Control
The Blatant Lying Stage
With none of that working, I created a third profile, and this time tried to make it as unrelated to me as possible. By going through the ads for a hundred or so of the men on Connect4You - something I'd being doing periodically to prove to myself that I'm not gay — I was able to pick out what I considered to be the most attractive elements of all their profiles. I then combined these traits together to form one uber-profile.