Regularly-scheduled programming is over. Aside from a few cable shows like Mad Men and Futurama, we're going to have to wait several months for anything good or bad to be on again. In the meantime, here are a few of my own pitches to networks to tide us over during the summer. I'm sure they'll be an enormous success, given that they're all in the worst genres of television ever.
The Crappy Sitcom
They still exist and they might exist forever. They tell you when to laugh and they feature a traditionally unattractive male comedian you'd never actually want to see in a sitcom (or life) opposite a traditionally attractive female actress you may or may not recognize as being a person. They are constantly mean to each other because their marriage is loveless, and they have useless non-character children. And don't forget The Unfunny Kramer. It's all because they think you're stupid and the problem is, a lot of people are stupid. They need to be told to laugh and they enjoy watching a 22-minute string of insults, followed by a lesson already learned by the audience. You know, from life. Or any other sitcom of the last 50 years.
And that's fine. Watch what you want to watch. I'll even make it for you and it'll be everything you've always wanted: Garbage.
Great theme song, though.
America's Got A Lot Of Nerve
Can't get enough of people telling other people how horrible they are at what they do? Want to see some freaks? Want to see some talented people do some pretty amazing things that will never actually lead to a career in that field because there's no one at Career Day trying to sell you the life of a guy who sings Rubik's Cube algorithms while whipping snakes at his dancing emu? If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then you've found America's favorite genre of television: shows about judging people. Awesome. Just like Jesus wanted. At the Bible's request, I vote for a show about America taking time out of its busy day to tell people they suck at telling people they suck. It could also be called America's Got Time On Its Hands, and it will be hosted, of course, by the Internet.
The Really Crappy Sitcom
This is just like The Crappy Sitcom, only it also involves real human feces. Every single line in the show is a literal turd that plops out of the mouth of some actor who's not even washed up, because they don't respect you enough to rinse their dick off before they rape the lulz out of your funny bone. And lucky us, there's a puke-faced kid who deserves a punch in the face less than he deserves a puke in the face right before a thorough punch in the fucking face. In the interest of cynicism, I present to you CBX's summer worst-thing-you've-ever-seen: Two and a Half Men, One Show.
Great theme song, though.
But, Oh-Em-Gee! How Will We Replace Lost?
Whether you were satisfied with the finale or not (or even watched the show), ABC's Lost made a tremendous cultural impact. Since its first season, other networks have been trying their hardest to clone it. There are some shows with good bits here and there, but they all have basically the same result. Now that Lost is officially over, what will fill that gap? DOB has pitched his ideas for replacements and I would watch every single one of them. The problem is, most TV executives are misguided and don't know what would be hilariously awesome/terrible/awesome. What they do know is sequels. Spin-offs. The franchise. Regardless of quality or even the original creators' blessing, another Lost is practically guaranteed. I present to you my own pitch for the spin-off, Lost Two. It takes place directly after the Lost finale, which ended with (SPOILER ALERT!) everyone hugging and going to heaven.
A Reality Show About Whomever
I don't even want to take the time to discuss these "reality" shows, so I won't. They all might as well be this...
The rebirth is a fairly new concept. A show will be prematurely canceled and due to DVD sales or general interest, it will be brought back on the air, sometimes on a different network. Futurama has recently returned to television and they managed to pull it off splendidl- ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD. It was a close one, though, because the show was almost made without the original voice actors. In fact, one of those voice actors (Billy West) once replaced the original voice of Ren in the Ren and Stimpy rebirth. Is this ironic or just a thing that happened? The Internet may never know, but the absence of the original Ren was still quite unnerving.
The rebirth can even end up like its cousin of lower-intelligence, the remake. Aside from different actors, these will often employ changes to the basic story or tone of a show. When Family Guy had its rebirth, it saw the return of the original characters, but also not really.
Since there's no chance at this point that they'll bring back Arrested Development or Freaks and Geeks, the hit Internet failure Squidshark Ocean Vs. Stop Sign Sun gets a rebirth instead. Sure, it doesn't have quite the same voice, it over-complicates a formerly simplistic storyline, and it's overestimating its popularity, but damned if it isn't also shorter. I wanted to use a common form of title, too; something like Celebrating Eloise or Complicating Martha. Here is the first and only episode of Being Butterfly Balloon, a really great show.
Terrible theme song, though.
When Cody isn't trying to save or destroy television, he fucks around on his blog, Facebook, and Twitter. All while watching TV.