Every Episode Of Heroes Ever
TONIGHT'S EPISODE: One Of We
We pan across a wide open field. It's kind of a cool shot I guess, and we zoom in to two heroes just sort of walking around.
HERO #1: I feel super powery.
HERO #2: The villain is mean.
HERO #1: Can I trust you?
HERO #2: Can I trust you?
HERO #1: Yes.
HERO #2: How do I know you're not lying to me?
HERO #1: Because... you're my brother.
HERO #2: Whaaaaaaaat?
HERO #1: You have been since the start.
HERO #2: Of the series?
HERO #1: Probably.
HERO #2: Another piece of the mysterious HEROES puzzle falls into place.
HERO #1: Wait, so is this a mystery show?
HERO #2: Well, it's a show about super heroes.
HERO #1: So it's NOT a mystery show.
HERO #2: I didn't say that.
HERO #1: What DID you say?
HERO #2: Use your super hearing.
HERO #1: I'm not him. I'm a different one.
HERO #2: Which one are you?
HERO #1: I'm the one with the power to go super slow. We're called Slowbees.
HERO #2: Slowbees, huh? What a cool name.
HERO #1: Is it?
HERO #2: Of course it is. You're my brother.
HERO #1: Whaaaaaaaaaat?
HERO #2: It's a shock, I know. But we need to stick together. There's a formula or code or secret or some shit stuck in our blood or aura or whatever. Also the villains want it.
HERO #1: Well, I feel super powery today, so let's stop the villains!
HERO #2: We should. Because they're mean.
HERO #1: How should we stop them?
HERO #2: We could travel through time.
HERO #1: We did that in the first season.
HERO #2: Okay... What if we traveled through time?
HERO #1: We did that in the second season.
HERO #2: Damn, you're right... What if we travel through time?
HERO #1: We did that earlier this season.
HERO #2: You haven't said "no."
HERO #1: Good point.
Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a figure appears. It looks a lot like HERO #1, only with a couple of goatees and a scar running across the logic of the story.
FUTURE HERO #1: You have to fix the thing.
HERO #1: Are you me?
FUTURE HERO #1: There's no time. You have to stop the thing from happening.
HERO #2: What do you mean there's no time? You just time traveled.
FUTURE HERO #1: There's an event-ish thing that happens and it shouldn't because then things are bad.
HERO #1: What happens?
FUTURE HERO #1: Rule number one of story-telling is show, don't tell, so I'll show you, because I am you from the future and although there may be trust issues right now, you can sense that deep down I am a good person.
HERO #1: That's all true. Thanks for explaining it.
FUTURE HERO #1: Also, I'm your brother.
HERO #2: Are you talking to me?
FUTURE HERO #1: I don't even know.
There is another FLASH OF LIGHT and Hero #1 and Future Hero #1 are now in what looks like it's maybe the future. We can hear a lot of bweeps and bwoops coming from things that in the present day don't make bweeps OR bwoops. So, yeah. Future. Also, it looks like some vaguely bad stuff is happening. Maybe screaming people or explosions. I don't know, I'm not a very good writer.
FUTURE HERO #1: Do you see what happens?
HERO #1: I guess.
FUTURE HERO #1: You have to go back in time and stop it.
HERO #1: Couldn't we just go back in time and stop the show from being made?
FUTURE HERO #1: Yeah, but then we'd all be out of jobs.
HERO #1: Maybe that's for the best.
FUTURE HERO #1: Look, just stop the thing, okay?
HERO #1: Fine. I'll stop the "thing."
There is another flash of light and HERO #1 is back in the present. He looks at HERO #2.
HERO #1: I saw it. We have to fix the future again.
HERO #2: How do we stop it, brother?
HERO #1: What?
HERO #2: Cause we're brothers.
HERO #1: Whaaaaaaaat?
HERO #2: We've been over this. We're brothers.
HERO #1: I know, but I feel super pow-
HERO #2: LOOK OUT!!!
Suddenly, the VILLAIN bursts through the wall. He is all-powerful, but boring somehow.
VILLAIN: No, wait! It's okay! I'm good now!
HERO #2: Well, I feel wary about this, but I will give you a chance, because it makes you less boring.
VILLAIN-TURNED-HERO: I feel grateful about that, and we are friends now.
HERO #1: I am learning to trust you.
VILLAIN-TURNED-HERO: Now give me the girl!
HERO #1: I'm sorry, what? VILLAIN-TURNED-HERO-TURNED-VILLAIN: I changed my mind!
HERO #2: Why the hell would you do something like that?
There is a too-long pause.
VILLAIN-TURNED-HERO-TURNED-VILLAIN: ... The villain is mean?
There is another too-long pause. The villain gets away, I guess. Hero #1 and 2 are standing in the field. They kick at the dirt.
HERO #1: Well... do you want to go watch LOST?
HERO #2: Hell, yes! I love that show!
HERO #1: I know! I wish we were on that show.
TIM KRING: I wish we were that show.
HERO #1 and 2: Clearly.
There is a FLASH OF LIGHT and we see all the heroes look at the sky intensely. They shield their eyes and marvel at whatever they're looking at. The "music" swells and we hear some wiener's voice.
VOICEOVER HERO: As we look into ourselves, we can not be what we are meant to be until we look into ourselves. Then, and only then, on the inside where dreams meet the whispers of things past, will we touch the feet of Gods and be forgiven for our sins. The shepherd awakes as his flock strays from his word. The sons of the righteous are given a second chance. And we realize that we are not looking for each other. We are looking for ourselves. Are ourselves heroes? We... ourselves... are... heroes.
Cancel Heroes, Save The World
Sure, there were some definite plot holes in Heroes (one of the biggest: Peter's Irish gf from season 2 being left in some future that they eventually prevent - so what then she doesn't exist?) but I still loved the show. I do like your parody, as well, because even when we love something we have to sometimes make fun of it. =))
ReplyMan, they should have call you up during the writer's guild strike during season two. It would have vastly improved the show, not to mention filled in some ridiculous plot holes.
Replytl;dr
Replyjust like the s**tty show.
Why do you come onto this site? I think someone's retarded...
Didn't the flying guy, Nathan Piss-trolly, die every season finale?
Replyrad.
ReplyI was actually, just today, complaining about how all of the twists involve "I am your real [relative]".
ReplyFunny as HELL!
Fucking brilliant XD
ReplyThis is awesome funny. Exactly why I haven't watched "Heroes" for ages!
ReplyThis article is so true... rock on Cody
ReplyI pretty much laughed at every line in this article. Why wasn't this on the front page? Heroes isn't very good but I never watched it much because it was always on at the same time as 24, which I like but is just as easy to make fun of.
Reply"I don’t know, I’m not a very good writer."
ReplyHe said it.
I bet you really like The Boondock Saints.
Cody, this article is funny.
ReplyReally f**king funny.
Congratulations. This is a serious step up from what I expect to see from you. Well done indeed.
I liked cody, until he wrote this. f**k you cody
ReplyI usually don't like Cody's articles, but this one was dead on. Personally, Cody, I'd stick with the witty observations - they seem to do better for you - and drop the deliberately-overdrawn tangents and over-the-top ridiculousness; they always feel like you're trying way too hard and being too self-conscious about being entertaining.
ReplyBut you're the one writing for Cracked while my comment is wallowing in the wank-filled trenches, so hey, go wild. Just thought I'd say that I don't like a lot of your other stuff, but I liked this because you did things differently.
Oh, I remember when this show was good...in season 1. wow, what was that, 6 years ago or something?
ReplyCertainly feel like it.
You forgot to insert a ton of claire scenes about her wanting normal life, having breakfast, trying to have normal life, chatting with someone, crying that she don't have a normal life, laughing that there's hope, taking a s**t, angry, trying to do something, fighting with her dad, running away, lesbian scene, arguing with her dad, whining about her life, whining about her super power.
ReplyBut then again, none of her scenes has anything to do with the actual story so.
Don't forget self-mutilation.
Like seriously absurd amounts of it.
What ever happened to Heroes, I remember it was good, at one time. I do like Sylar though. Love LOST though.
ReplySeriously, Heroes is one of my favorite shows, I found this funny, but intensely lame.
Reply'Watch The Series, Forgo Idiocracy'
Really? Even with all of the intensely stupid plot holes and tangents? And the fact that Season 4 makes no sense whatsoever?
"Ok... What if we travelled through time?"
ReplyEpic win!
"I don’t know, I’m not a very good writer." Honestly, I'm just surprised no one has mentionedd this line yet.
Reply