Do you like sex? I sure do. Both ways I had it. It was so good I hope to do it again soon. Until then, you can at least count on me to share my very few observations about the topic with you so you can be better prepared to grease the loins of your next paramour in a more mutually satisfying manner. And, as an added bonus, this article includes input from two friends who demanded anonymity lest their lives be ruined by the terrible secrets they bestowed upon me. And some of them are legitimately terrible. I used to think I was an amoral asshole, but man, my friends are despicable.
When it comes to having sex, one of the most important things is not being awful. That never gets said enough -- you need to not be horrible, and man, there are a lot of horrible ways to blow a sexual encounter, so to speak. I'm not saying you need to go to one of them porno schools you see in all the pornos about schools; I'm just saying you need a basic level of consideration for your partner. And with that in mind, never be these people.
#6. The Dead Fish
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If you've ever been with someone like this, you know the problem right away. Having sex with a person like this is like going to the best burger joint in town only to lick mustard off of a napkin. These people don't like sex, don't want sex, or don't know how to sex, and all of those are valid, but don't have sex if that's how you feel!
In so many words, the dead fish is precisely what you think -- a person who lies there and takes your nefarious ministrations with no enthusiasm, effort, or participation. They're basically a sex doll that maintains body temperature. If you've never experienced this, count yourself lucky, because you've avoided the existential fear of basically knowing what necrophilia is like.
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At least vampires bite back.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to have sex, but if that's the case you should probably do you and your partner a favor by not having sex. When you engage in the act and then pull off your best impression of current-day Lenin, it's disheartening for the person who probably has some vested interest in getting you to at least grunt once.
#5. The Shock And Awe
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In some relationships, this type of behavior is perfectly acceptable and welcome, even. What is the shock and awe? It's the kind of sexual partner who likes to try new things, which is great and healthy. But this partner maybe doesn't always let you know in advance, which is less great and healthy and more uncomfortable and sometimes painfully wrong.
What sorts of things can one do in a sexual scenario that qualify as this? I'm hardly an expert, as I plan all my sexual encounters with graphing software ahead of time, but if you Google something like "anal without asking," you're going to get over 8 million hits, so it's not without precedent that a few people out in the world have tried to pull off some cloak-and-dagger bum sex caper without letting their partner know in advance, probably just hoping to slip under the radar unnoticed and stay there until the job is done. As an aside, if that has ever worked for any of you, please let me know; I'm dreadfully curious about how it happens. Nerve damage? Partner is actually a mannequin? The mind boggles.
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"This should distract her for the five minutes I need."
A good friend of mine informed me that her experience in this particular field of sexual what-the-fuckery was mostly related to the presence of foreign objects, which is to say an ex-boyfriend decided to go-go-Gadget their sex life with some extra attachments she was not aware of ahead of time. As she put it, she thought she landed funny on the TV remote, but instead it was actually just her man producing an impromptu vibrator from the secretive folds of the couch on which they were debauching each other.
When asked how that affected the entire sexual experience, she told me it ended pretty much right there, because, "Imagine you're cooking dinner and then, when you're not looking, the person you're cooking dinner for slips a completely unwanted ingredient into the pot, ruining the whole meal."
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They then stick a ladle up your butt. So it's just like that.
#4. The Orange Lantern
Here's some nerd trivia for you -- in the Green Lantern comics, if you're not aware, the Lanterns actually cover the entire color spectrum. If you endured the terrible movie, you know Yellow Lanterns exist and power their rings with fear. But there are also sinister Red Lanterns, zombie Black Lanterns, kind of lame Indigo Lanterns, and so on. And by his damn self in the universe is Larfleeze, the tusked space donkey that is the Orange Lantern, whose powers are based on greed. I hope I made it sound suitably ridiculous.
If not, this picture should bring it home for you.
Like greedy Larfleeze, there are a few tragically misguided sexual misanthropes out there who will try to steal your soul with a cosmically powered ring. But there are even more of them who will just kind of use you as a giant, human Fleshlight. And trust that this is not a problem exclusive to one sex, as it seems humpological avarice crosses gender boundaries with ease.
I like to think this kind of person was artisanally crafted by a mix of impatience, poorly written porn, and maybe a tight schedule that prohibits giving any scenario your all. The result is a person who expects you to go to town, so to speak, and then once you get there, find your own way home because they have to get to sleep or go get their tires rotated or whatever.
"I have to get up early to feed my ... dragon. Have I used that one before?"