Every once in a while, the entities you know as Cracked columnists gather in an undisclosed basement to compare notes and bicker about whose Writing Barrel is the biggest. Ideas are thrown around, particularly odd items are ritually scrutinized (and occasionally nibbled). Sometimes, someone mentions a strange sex toy they've encountered during their travels. Usually, this is the point where everyone's heads slowly swivel to face me, calmly maintaining their unforgiving gazes until I cave in and skulk off to write another one of my sex toy columns. Why this is, I do not know. They just say I seem like the type.
RaÃºl Barrero photography/Moment/Getty
Anyway, here's a bunch of dick jokes at the expense of sex toys that are so ridiculously over-engineered they seem less like genuine attempts at giving people pleasure and more like what would happen if the guy from Saw aimed his murdengineering skills directly at your junk. It probably goes without saying, but the links that follow are almost exclusively NSFW.
#4. Sqweel 2
If the mysterious, secluded sex cult you belong to permits its members to watch only one YouTube video per day, for the love of the Crotch Lord, let it be this one:
Those glorious 49 seconds make a wonderfully pompous attempt to depict the history of the wheel, showcasing everything from clumsy prehistoric stone things to high-tech car tires, complete with era-appropriate sound effects and a general feeling of speed ... ladies.
No, seriously, ladies. All that burning rubber and those crushing granite tires are meant to turn you on, because the final stage of the metamorphosis is this fucking thing:
This is what happens if you listen to Gene Simmons' solo albums on a Sony Discman.
Yes, ma'am, that is indeed a wheel full of tongues. This unfortunate device is called Sqweel 2, which I assume implies that it's a wheel that makes you squeal, and now we all have slightly less of our soul left because we had to trudge through this sentence, and I'm sorry. A sequel to the fairly popular Sqweel, the world's supposedly greatest oral simulator for women, Sqweel 2 works in the exact way that you suspect. It even has changeable squealin' wheels, which are called Sqweelers, because there's always a way to make things even more uncomfortable.
Note that I'm not saying this product isn't functional; as a dude, that's not my place. I'm merely implying that a tongue-infested lashwheel with 1990s design aesthetic might not be the most sexy thing to apply to your nether regions, though its best-seller status seems to imply there's something to it. Shit, apparently, Cosmopolitan itself has tested Sqweel and given it a glowing review. And while I have no problem believing that Cosmo would be in cahoots with S'quel, the demon king with a thousand tongues, I personally choose to believe the Amazon user reviews, some of which paint a slightly ... different picture:
#3. Portable Glory Hole
Andy Ryan/The Image Bank/Getty Images
Glory holes are a popular porn genre, the most accessible of example of which is that thing in the browser window you have open right behind this one, don't pretend that you don't, STEVE. Personally, I don't see the appeal. I get the fantasy aspect of the whole "stick your stuff in a random hole in a toilet stall wall and inexplicably turn on the pretty lady on the other side" thing, but it just seems like something a confused dude might actually try right before writing a 30,000-word manifesto about how the complete lack of blow jobs and copious amounts of restraining orders this brings him violate ethics in video game journalism.
That being said, if you're into glory hole antics enough to bring your game to the real world, that shit is pretty much the easiest DIY sex toy there is: drill a hole in some plywood, insert dong, hope like hell your partner is into this shit. Course, even if you forget to secure a willing partner, well, something's bound to happen sooner or later if you're patient enough.
Robert Postma/First Light/Getty Images
Natural selection, most likely.
What was that? That sounds far too sane? You want to skip all the work and get straight to the sweet, community-terrorizing nuts-on-ply action? Fuck it, it's your rap sheet. Have a portable glory hole:
Via Dallas Novelty
"Use it at: HOME, HOTELS, RESORTS, CRUISESHIPS, PARTIES, and more" -actual website quote
Yes, potential buyers of that fucking thing whom I hope I'll never meet: it's a $250 portable stall wall that you can attach to a door frame or suitably narrow corridor to turn any situation into an improvised attack of the partition dongmonster. Is this erotic? Shit no. Exotic? Most certainly, much like the rash you'll develop in the deep jungles where you're going to spend the rest of your life hiding from the angry mob that'll grab pitchforks the second you whip out this thing in public.
Tragically, it looks like the world will never find out the true allure of spontaneously spawning glory holes, as the manufacturer has discontinued the product. Perhaps, one day, it will return. Until then, non-DIY-minded perverts will have to keep sticking their junk in random holes and hoping for the best.
Robert Postma/First Light/Getty Images
"OH GOD THE TEETH!!!"
DISCLAIMER: The second page of this column contains GIFs of absurd, mechanized rubber dongs flopping about, so if you're reading this at work, there's a moderate to high chance your boss will spot you giggling at them and you'll wind up spending the rest of the day making awkward small-talk about fuck chairs with him.