5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad
Cracked Columnists

4 Gritty Reboots of 80s Cartoons for Girls

Hollywood has been kind to me. Each summer I agree to pay a handful of money and, in exchange, it offers me a 90 minute hunk of childhood nostalgia. X-Men, Batman, G.I. Joe, Transformers and nearly every other fiction-based interest I held as a child have since been rebooted as films, altered only slightly to accommodate my matured and nuanced love of breasts, and things catching on fire.

Sometimes both at once.

Yet, as happy as I am with our relationship, I'm shocked that Hollywood refuses to acknowledge that women have histories as well, utterly ignoring any franchise aimed at girls. Like jealous, insecure boyfriends, the studios don't want to think about a woman's past; instead they are content to force-feed her romantic comedies and period pieces about oppressed women weep-running over moors.

I think ladies probably deserve better.

I have always championed women's rights, particularly in public and when I thought there might be some attention to be gained from it. To that end, I'm offering Hollywood these four gritty reboots of cartoons aimed at young girls. The characters are the same but the stories have been updated for the modern woman. They are visceral and real -- and with any luck, worth something.

#4.
Rainbow Brite -- Brighteous Kill

In an apocalyptic desert future, where civilization has collapsed and towns are overrun by outlaws, an orphan named Wisp and her talking horse struggle for survival, but their lives take an unexpected turn after accidentally trampling and killing a leader of a prominent gang. To escape vengeance, Wisp is forced to flee to the most anarchic town in the desert nicknamed Rainbow Land for its patchwork of disjointed misfits, and degenerates who were too dangerous and violent to fit in anywhere else. Rather than killing her, the community reveres Wisp for murdering such a famous man. As her legend grows, the leaderless gang comes looking for revenge, and threatens to destroy the whole town. Now the young stranger must prove her worth by defending Rainbow Land with the help of a ragtag crew of unstable sociopaths called The Color Kids while simultaneously learning the true meaning of family amidst the ensuing bloodbath.

Excerpt:

#3.
Jem -- The Enemy Inside

Renowned record producer Jerrica Benton is successful and well-respected in her career, but privately battles loneliness and crippling depression. To cope, she develops the alter-ego, Jem, a singer and songwriter who quickly gains international fame and fully embraces all aspects of the rock and roll mythos. For a while, conservative Jerrica and party girl Jem peacefully coexist, satisfying two necessary but conflicting aspects of one woman's life, but gradually Jem becomes too powerful for Jerrica to control, threatening to take over her life completely. The psychological thriller explores the dark world of human duality and the dangers of surrendering to a life of indulgence. Also, there is some tasteful nudity.

Excerpt:

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

Soren Bowie

  • Rss

More by Soren Bowie:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here

278 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!