5 Sites That Prove the U.S. Government Sucks at the Internet

#2. FEMA Wants Kids to Fear Space Weather


The children's website for FEMA has a bunch of disaster fact sheets to help kids know what to do during every conceivable disaster. Which is great! Surely nobody can mock such a noble and useful effort. Why, there are helpful how-tos here for surviving everything from a landslide to a home fire to ... "space weather"?

You'll know it's coming because the space dogs will start howling.

The Space Weather pamphlet informs kids that, in the event of a solar flare, it's perfectly normal for your toilet to stop working. Which is ... odd. First of all, why would one of a child's primary concerns during a gargantuan solar storm be a working toilet? They barely use that thing anyway, the filthy little animals. Plus, is that even true? Solar flares mostly affect electronics, right? Is this pamphlet aimed at well-off Japanese kids with their fancy talking commodes, or are solar flares way worse than we've been led to believe? Where is the space weather pamphlet for adults, you bastards?!

Then, when you've finished reading and memorizing all the fact sheets and the many, many poo-disposal-related tips, the real fun can begin: The FEMA site also includes an interactive comic called Disaster Master, in which a bunch of children that God clearly hates come across a wildfire, a tornado, an earthquake, a tsunami, and more, one right after another. As you follow the story, you're presented with multiple-choice questions about what the kids should do in each emergency, and none of the options are "repent." You get two chances to make the wrong decision, because on the third it's "game over, those children are all dead by your hand."

But the toilet is safe, and that's what's important.

#1. The Department of Labor Has a Brutal "Ways to Die in a Mine" Cartoon Series

Department of Labor

Look, we get why it's important to make children aware of mine safety. Their lungs are rubbery and resilient -- great at breathing coal dust -- and we need their little hands to reach into tight spots and grab our valuable minerals, but nobody wants them dead. Children, if possible, should be alive. We get that. We're not monsters. What we don't get is why the Department of Labor apparently employed the children themselves to make its hastily slapped together mine safety website:

Department of Labor
Seems like that time would be better spent in the mines, that's all we're saying.

In these fun cartoons, the generic boy hero (let's call him Trespassing Timmy) is depicted playing with explosives:

Department of Labor
"You will be propelled into the air like in a movie, and it will be awesome. DON'T DO THIS."

Jumping into a quarry while aiming directly at a clearly visible, exposed rock:

Department of Labor
That's like 3 inches deep. He would have died anyway.

Or sitting under an apparently moving vehicle:

Department of Labor
"I welcome death. Maybe this time I won't be pulled back. Maybe I will know peace."

Once Timmy gets inside the actual mine, the cartoons play out like a particularly mean-spirited Choose Your Own Adventure book -- will you be crushed to death by the rotting timber or the crumbling wall? Do you fall from a faulty ladder or a broken winze? Do you pet the snake? Turn to Page 42.

Department of Labor
Hey, kids, can you find Timmy in this image? Hint: You should NOT pet the snake.

Gavin is installing stained glass windows on his bunker so when zombies bust through on Day 1 there will be a cool gothic vibe. He also has a Twitter.

For more things our tax dollars are probably being wasted on, check out 11 Things the CIA Is Keeping From Us.

Related Reading: If you prefer to read about websites by terrible people, FOR terrible people (to hook up), click here. And while we're on the subject of dating websites, did you know one exists for women behind bars? If you'd rather read about more "official" websites that are unbelievably awful, click away.

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