#3. Bishop -- Aliens
What? You don't think of Bishop the android as one of the badasses in the sci-fi universe? You forget how his character is introduced. The first thing we see him do is handle a combat knife in a way that makes it clear he could remove your heart before you felt the blade pierce your skin. He does a "trick" in which he stabs holes into a table around Bill Paxton's hand at the speed of light, the blade nothing but a blur as he punches notches in the table with robotic precision.
Only a robot could resist the urge to stab Bill Paxton.
Throughout the rest of the movie, while everyone freaks out about the horror show of the giant spiny aliens and their new death-hive, Bishop shows only contempt. He locks himself in a pipe to Shawshank his way to a radio tower so he can remote-pilot a rescue ship and bring everyone else's sniveling asses to safety. And he refuses to take a gun. We assume if he ran into any aliens he would just beat them to death with his two-ton robot penis. He even earns Ripley's respect despite the fact that she is an android racist.
But then ...
The only alien he comes into contact with rips him in half immediately, causing him to spray milk all over the room like a projectile-vomiting Santa Claus. Shouldn't the man with lightning-fast reflexes have seen the giant monster behind him?
He's like a science fair volcano filled with chowder.
Instead it is left to Ripley and the little girl to fight off the creature while Bishop just kind of sits there and watches. He doesn't even go for an ankle bite. We assume that if the Alien Queen had killed the rest of the survivors, Bishop would've just lain there in the hangar for the rest of time, whistling to himself or something.
And no, don't tell us Bishop is a pacifist due to his programming. Those safeguards are, in his own words, "It is impossible for me to harm or by omission of action, allow to be harmed, a human being."
Asimov was not trying to protect 20-foot murder-beasts.
It's humans he can't kill. If he had an aversion to taking out aliens, they wouldn't have brought him along on an alien-hunting trip. And the part about allowing humans to come to harm due to "omission of action"? How about failing to use your robotic super-reflexes to help them fight the monsters that are biting their faces off?
#2. Bill -- Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2
Bill is the head of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, a group that gets a C in self-naming, but a solid A+ in murdering. Each member's personal history alone is monumentally badass, and each one of these face-smashing lords of awesome is shown to fear and respect Bill. That's right -- he is so badass that he manages a group of other badasses like a fantasy baseball team. This bastard had to do something mind-blowing to prove he was fit to lead without question.
Wearing enough black there, guys?
And when Bill's star pupil, Uma Thurman, starts slashing her way through the rest of the team, she gets thumped like a drum in hardcore action sequences of escalating severity. She gets stabbed, slashed, shot and buried alive on the road leading up to her final fight with all-powerful Bill.
After two movies, these two destructive forces are finally going to clash, and we have every right to believe that the ensuing fight scene is going to knock our faces straight through the window.
But then ...
Bill dies in about 12 goddamn seconds. And yes, we counted. He doesn't even get out of his chair -- Uma pokes him in the chest a couple of times and induces a magical heart attack that kills him before he can even walk across his backyard.
But somehow, this is still more thrilling than every fight scene in every Michael Bay movie put together.
You would think the almighty leader of a kung fu death squad would've at least attempted to block such an attack, or at least throw a fucking karate chop before getting murdered in a lawn chair. Uma doesn't even break a nail when she administers the death poke. Bill leaves absolutely no mark on her whatsoever, after we've sat through two movies literally titled after their final battle. Even fat, sweaty Michael Madsen managed to shoot her in the chest and bury her in a freaking cemetery.
#1. Boba Fett -- Star Wars Series
Boba Fett is a sci-fi legend. There are endless fan sites dedicated to dressing up like him, thousands of pages of fan fiction have been written about him, and songs have been dedicated to the imposing nature of his awesome.
One of which was Dio's "Holy Diver."
In a universe swarming with giant monsters, armies of evil henchmen, space armadas, Sith Lords and freaking Harrison Ford, this guy stands tall with the notorious reputation he has gained and the countless enemies he has collected. He has no special powers. All he has is his butt-clenchingly rad armor and his carefully honed wits in a vast and harsh galaxy. Also, he has a jetpack. They don't give those out unless you can prove you kick tons of ass.
This guy had to hate-fuck a grizzly bear to death before they even let him read the manual.
But then ...
Nothing. Boba Fett doesn't do a goddamn thing. Somehow people forget that.
He tracks the Millennium Falcon to Bespin and then just calls Darth Vader in while he sits with his thumbs up his armored ass. The rest of the time, he just stands around with his arms crossed, trying to look badass. He's like a kid at a death metal show who doesn't want anyone to know his mom is going to be picking him up at 11.
"If you're so much as a minute late, I will ground the shit out of you."
When the time comes for him to finally throw down, he rocket-jumps over to Jaba's skiff and immediately gets his gun chopped in half by Luke Skywalker. Sure, he ties Luke up and delays him for a second, but that only lasts until Han Solo accidentally smashes into his jetpack with a pole and sends him tumbling into a man-eating sand vagina, screaming like a Muppet. The final nail in his coffin is a goddamned wardrobe malfunction. Think about that while you're being digested for the next thousand years, sir.
Blah blah blah, expanded universe, blah blah blah Dengar. He's dead. And fictional. Deal with it.
For more Star Wars characters that let us down, check out 7 Classic Star Wars Characters Who Totally Dropped the Ball. Or learn about some movie good guys that would've helped if they stayed at home, in 6 Movie Heroes Who Actually Made Things Worse.
And stop by Linkstorm to see how Seanbaby is really just a sweet snuggle-head.
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