7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert
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During the summer, damn near every band that's ever sold a song on iTunes hits the road, jetting from town to town to play live shows for throngs of adoring fans. Maybe you'll go to some of these shows. When you do, these people will be there to completely ruin shit for you. #7.
The Whirling Dervish
In her natural state, she is a blur of flying dreadlocks and sallow Caucasian skin. At rest, she usually takes the form of a hairy-pitted woman who inexplicably turns up at any and every type of musical event on earth. Do organic food slurping, sandal wearing hippies really listen to Lil' Wayne? Probably not. But her long strange trip has led her here, and she's going to make the most jamband-tastic time out of it that she can.
While everyone around her alternates between enjoying the show and getting the fuck out of her way, this bundle of ginseng and scalp lice is dancing around like an ancient shaman trying to summon rain to save this year's harvest. And that's fine, provided you're at some sort of outdoor festival where there is ample grazing room. But when you're packed like sardines in the lower bowl of an arena, her arm waving, 360-degree spinning antics grow old really fast. To add to the misery, it's all but guaranteed that her constant flailing will be performed while chain smoking American Spirits, leaving you to spend the evening thinking less about the show and more about how to ensure you escape without a third-degree burn to the forehead.
"I'm a free spirit. Sometimes the music just speaks to my soul and moves me, albeit in a dorky, awkward fashion." What It Really Says About Them:"The stench of patchouli emanating from my nether regions could kill a small village." #6.
The Hater
How or why the hater ended up sitting near you is never immediately clear. Maybe their significant other insisted on dragging them along to see a band they hate. Maybe they just like paying eight dollars for beer. Whatever the case, they are here now and they can't believe anybody listens to this shit.
No matter how exuberant the crowd reaction, no matter how beloved the song may be, the hater is unwavering in their dedication to annoying everyone around them by hurling boos and slurs in the direction of the band on stage. Approximately three songs into the set, your ability to concentrate on the show you paid $45 to see ($106 after convenience fees) will be replaced with fantasies of fashioning a shiv out of the plastic spoon that inexplicably came with your nachos and stabbing them in the kidney.
"My taste in music is beyond compare. I know good music and this isn't it. You're all a bunch of idiots for listening to this stuff. Nickelback rules." What It Really Says About Them:"I'm too much of a pussy-whipped nancy boy to even consider saying no when my girlfriend asked if I wanted to go see John Mayer. Instead, I will express my disappointment in myself by way of a rampant display of fuckstickery." #5.
The Set List Generator
Yelling out "Freebird!" at concerts is a tradition that goes back, well, about 30 years or so. When it happens today, it's generally accepted that the perpetrator is an attention seeking lowlife that deserves a rigorous beating with a bag of herpes infected oranges. But in that person's defense, it's usually just a misguided attempt at a joke. Unless of course they are actually at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, in which case, there is a good chance they just lost a close relative in a tragic Tilt-a-Whirl operating accident and want to hear the song so the healing can begin.
But the Set List Generator has no defense. This dickface is apparently unaware that most bands decide what they're going to play well in advance, and immediately begins shouting requests for the same song whenever the band reaches the midway point of whatever song they've decided to play. It goes without saying that the song they are requesting is the most popular song the performer has ever recorded and is probably not going to be played until the encore at the very end of the show. So, you get to listen to this fucking caterwauling all night long.
"I appreciate that you are a professional musician and all, but really, I think you need some guidance in how to proceed with this live show." What It Really Says About Them:"I blow my loads way too early and it makes me feel better when rock bands do the same." #4.
The Camera Phone Paparazzo
Finally seeing your favorite band in person is a great experience. It's only natural that you would want to snap a photo or two to remember the night. Most venues aren't going to let you bring that $900 Canon with the 4000x zoom telephoto lens in with you. Instead, most people just rely on their camera phone, ensuring that the entire show will be forever captured in blurry as fuck 1.3 megapixel detail. Most people realize their phone isn't improving on the garbled jungle of lights and shadowy figures they get on the first try, and go back to actually enjoying the show. But the Camera Phone Paparazzo is not so easily deterred.
They continue the photo shoot well into the encore and beyond. If they are next to you, your evening will be filled with strobe light effects constantly invading your peripheral vision as they check and recheck their tiny LCD. If you're directly behind them, you might as well go home. Unless you've payed retarded amounts of money for floor seats, from where you're sitting the stage is likely the same size and half as bright as whatever photographic shit stain happens to be lighting up their phone.
"This occasion means so much that I will carry cherished memories of it with me for all my days or until I run out of memory space and have to delete the pictures to make room for that Keyboard Cat video." What It Really Says About Them:"My life is so devoid of meaning that whenever I do anything remotely cool, I have to gather as much evidence as possible. " |
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I was at the OZZfest in 2007 in West Palm Beach, Fl.
There were fathers with their little boys (ok so far) and others with little girls (ok not so far).
Plus adult girls wearing shirts with phrases like "It's not gonna lick itself", plus the usual drunks being carried out on a stretcher, vomiting, etc.
And the video opening of Ozzy looking at (I think) a Desperate Housewives tits, and all the other non-family show oriented video.
No skinhead beat downs? What kind of concerts have you been going to Mariah Carey??
While you may not have "forgotten" them, I would suggest as an honorable mention the "I love this song so much, I'm going to record it on my / my buddy's / my girlfriend's voicemail. In it's entirety." a*****e.
On a slightly related note, why is it when you go to a venue sponsored by a cell phone company, your phone doesn't work inside? I only ask because I heard this song at a Def Leppard concert recently that was so awesome I had to get a recording of it on my voicemail...
i am a hater of the hater, it's as if they seek me out in the crowd just so that i can listen to their rants about the band.
Ooooo, I had a "cool parent" a few years back at a PatD concert. I ended up either with my leg between his, or my elbow in his back during one of the openers. He and his 9 year old left, but then the 12 years showed up sans s****y parents. I kept harassing them with the girl next to me. That was fun.
What about the Crowd Puncher? They run around hitting people, usually get their ass kicked.
I once went to a concert and spotted a Whirling Dervish girl. Luckily I wasn't next to her, but I felt for all the people who were. What made her particularly annoying was along with throwing her hands up and spinning in circles, she was dressed like a f*****g CAT (not kidding, I really wish I was) with marabou-covered mittens, cat ears, and leggings. I really don't know what was wrong with this girl. Every time she clapped above her head, though, I could see in the light the explosion of little baby feathers raining down on her (insanely annoyed) fellow concert-goers.
Patchouli-smelling free spirits make me wanna kill.
Totally left out people having a social get-together. Every single show I've been to, not that I'm a hardcore concertgoer, but every single one I've paid hundreds for tickets and the people behind me clearly came to socialize and chat and make cell phone calls and pretty much do anything but pay attention to this artist they paid hundreds of dollars to see. WHY!!??? WHY WHY WHY???
I am 6'5", and on behalf of tall gits everywhere, I would like to apologize.
But I'm not moving, so deal with it!
I have encoutered all of them except the bootlegger.The one I tend to see the most that annoys me is the really tall git.HE's the one who goes right to the front when the support act is on and crosses his arms for all of their set whilst giving a very surly look.Then when the main band is on you are unable to see because the git is about 6ft 5, he doesn't care that he is ruining someone else's experience.
i know exactly where this is coming from lol! never seen a bootlegger though... should have included 'the stoner' lol
People actually deal with this? Half I've never encountered "lucky me" but most of the time you can get away with punching someone out and enjoying the show. "Opps, I'm so sorry, I was just trying to violently dance and it seems I've knocked that cell phone out of your hand and smashed it to pieces under my boots, oh well"
"sorry kid didn't see you there? Missing a tooth? My Bad"
I'm an ass though, if your pissing people off you don't want to be near me....
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My first concert was when I was 9 or 10. 'S Okay, though, it was just Stevie Nicks at Caesar's Palace. Didn't go to another one for 3 years (Fleetwood Mac reunion tour, MGM Grand)
You forgot The Douchebag. You know, the one that goes to a show by a band he's never heard of before all by himself, weasles his way to the front of the crowd, sometimes by buying two drinks and pretending one is for a non-existent friend so everyone moves out of his way as they're trying not to get beer spilled all over them. He booty dances at a rock concert, 'hits on' (harasses) the nearest female audience member, and tries (fails) to make friends with everyone around him so as to bum cigarettes later. Most of the time, the people around him will subconsciously gravitate AWAY from him, leaving him in a 2 foot radius circle of his own, which says a lot on a tiny, crowded floor.
God I HATE this guy. So much. So much.
What about obnoxious neon clad teenagers who have completely ruined Warped Tour over the last three years? Standing at the rail of the Bad Religion show covering their ears and throwing stuff at living legends because they are waiting for 3oh3 to come on. There is nothing punk about 3oh3, Paramore, Katy Perry, Gym Class Heroes, and whoever the hell Cash Cash is. They have ruined what used to be the best, most unpretentious festival out there.
you forgot "Clove Smoker". There's one in every show,having to not conform about smoking by offending everyone, including smokers, with their obnoxious burning baking spice.
I have a 3-year-old and there is no f*****g way I would ever take her to a concert >.> That's just epically retarded. Not only is it a major pain in the ass for everyone else around but all sorts of horrible could happen to the kid. Cool Parents ftl
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I saw the "cool parent" at at Rolling Stones concert. A mother with a boy almost six by the look of him. "And how did you like your first rock concert?" lol I had the alcoholic at a few (and have been same) two most memorable moments were Bob Dylan in 1995. Two obnoixious drunks making noise during the acoustic set to the annoyance of just about everybody, and The Damned in 2006. This one guy up front was yelling and screaming stuff at the stage and loudly singing along (except for Jet Boy/Jet Girl oddly enough) until the bouncers finally had enough and threw his ass out. I quit yelling "Freebird" about twenty years ago when I realized a. It wasn't funny anymore and b. That I really really HATE Lynard Skynard.