7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert
During the summer, damn near every band that's ever sold a song on iTunes hits the road, jetting from town to town to play live shows for throngs of adoring fans. Maybe you'll go to some of these shows. When you do, these people will be there to completely ruin shit for you.
#7.
The Whirling Dervish
In her natural state, she is a blur of flying dreadlocks and sallow Caucasian skin. At rest, she usually takes the form of a hairy-pitted woman who inexplicably turns up at any and every type of musical event on earth. Do organic food slurping, sandal wearing hippies really listen to Lil' Wayne? Probably not. But her long strange trip has led her here, and she's going to make the most jamband-tastic time out of it that she can.
While everyone around her alternates between enjoying the show and getting the fuck out of her way, this bundle of ginseng and scalp lice is dancing around like an ancient shaman trying to summon rain to save this year's harvest. And that's fine, provided you're at some sort of outdoor festival where there is ample grazing room. But when you're packed like sardines in the lower bowl of an arena, her arm waving, 360-degree spinning antics grow old really fast.
To add to the misery, it's all but guaranteed that her constant flailing will be performed while chain smoking American Spirits, leaving you to spend the evening thinking less about the show and more about how to ensure you escape without a third-degree burn to the forehead.
"I'm a free spirit. Sometimes the music just speaks to my soul and moves me, albeit in a dorky, awkward fashion."
What It Really Says About Them:"The stench of patchouli emanating from my nether regions could kill a small village."
#6.
The Hater
How or why the hater ended up sitting near you is never immediately clear. Maybe their significant other insisted on dragging them along to see a band they hate. Maybe they just like paying eight dollars for beer. Whatever the case, they are here now and they can't believe anybody listens to this shit.
No matter how exuberant the crowd reaction, no matter how beloved the song may be, the hater is unwavering in their dedication to annoying everyone around them by hurling boos and slurs in the direction of the band on stage. Approximately three songs into the set, your ability to concentrate on the show you paid $45 to see ($106 after convenience fees) will be replaced with fantasies of fashioning a shiv out of the plastic spoon that inexplicably came with your nachos and stabbing them in the kidney.
"My taste in music is beyond compare. I know good music and this isn't it. You're all a bunch of idiots for listening to this stuff. Nickelback rules."
What It Really Says About Them:"I'm too much of a pussy-whipped nancy boy to even consider saying no when my girlfriend asked if I wanted to go see John Mayer. Instead, I will express my disappointment in myself by way of a rampant display of fuckstickery."
#5.
The Set List Generator
Yelling out "Freebird!" at concerts is a tradition that goes back, well, about 30 years or so. When it happens today, it's generally accepted that the perpetrator is an attention seeking lowlife that deserves a rigorous beating with a bag of herpes infected oranges.
But in that person's defense, it's usually just a misguided attempt at a joke. Unless of course they are actually at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, in which case, there is a good chance they just lost a close relative in a tragic Tilt-a-Whirl operating accident and want to hear the song so the healing can begin.
You think that was a joke, you son of a bitch?
But the Set List Generator has no defense. This dickface is apparently unaware that most bands decide what they're going to play well in advance, and immediately begins shouting requests for the same song whenever the band reaches the midway point of whatever song they've decided to play.
It goes without saying that the song they are requesting is the most popular song the performer has ever recorded and is probably not going to be played until the encore at the very end of the show. So, you get to listen to this fucking caterwauling all night long.
You are legally allowed to perform this move on an SLG.
"I appreciate that you are a professional musician and all, but really, I think you need some guidance in how to proceed with this live show."
What It Really Says About Them:"I blow my loads way too early and it makes me feel better when rock bands do the same."
#4.
The Camera Phone Paparazzo
Finally seeing your favorite band in person is a great experience. It's only natural that you would want to snap a photo or two to remember the night. Most venues aren't going to let you bring that $900 Canon with the 4000x zoom telephoto lens in with you. Instead, most people just rely on their camera phone, ensuring that the entire show will be forever captured in blurry as fuck 1.3 megapixel detail.
Most people realize their phone isn't improving on the garbled jungle of lights and shadowy figures they get on the first try, and go back to actually enjoying the show. But the Camera Phone Paparazzo is not so easily deterred.
They continue the photo shoot well into the encore and beyond. If they are next to you, your evening will be filled with strobe light effects constantly invading your peripheral vision as they check and recheck their tiny LCD. If you're directly behind them, you might as well go home. Unless you've payed retarded amounts of money for floor seats, from where you're sitting the stage is likely the same size and half as bright as whatever photographic shit stain happens to be lighting up their phone.
Pictured: your night
"This occasion means so much that I will carry cherished memories of it with me for all my days or until I run out of memory space and have to delete the pictures to make room for that Keyboard Cat video."
What It Really Says About Them:"My life is so devoid of meaning that whenever I do anything remotely cool, I have to gather as much evidence as possible. "
You see the whirling dervish a lot at dubstep 'concerts,' although it's not usually a white rasta (don't see them around much), instead, it's some guy who thinkings that the sexiest kind of dance you can do is to have a seizure on the floor.
ReplyOccasionally I'll see someone and wonder 'should I go over to see if they need help, or are they just dancing?"
I am now making it my mission to seek out the bootlegger at any concert I attend, and promptly (and loudly) ruin their s**t
ReplyWow. This article completely opened my eyes to how concerts must be in real cities. Venues that sell beverages? Venues that sell food? Venues that have aisles? Venues that have seats?! All the concerts I've been to have been about fifty people packed into a tiny venue with no seats and most definitely no room for any sort of food or beverage selling.
ReplyToo bad there's no 4B: the Paparazzo Self-Portrait Skank. Typically unattractive person who keeps photographing themselves -- and blinding you with their damn cell light every time -- just to prove they can actually make it into a concert. They're never satisfied with the picture, for good reason, so they retake. And retake. And retake. Until you're pretty certain that you'll go permanently blind before the show even starts.
Reply#2 got me into an Eric Clapton concert, so I really can't complain.
ReplyWe should add (or make a new list) of types of couples who attend concerts. I just got done seeing a Rammstein concert last night and had to deal with a couple literally having sex about 5 feet in front of me. Had to laugh though when I mosh crew ripped them apart what appeared to be painfully. They spent the rest of the concert STILL going at it and any time we moved, they still showed up right next to us. Seem's like a waste of $200 and two floor tickets over someone who actually would've appreciated the show, and not paid more attention to each other, and kept his gf blindfolded the entire time.
ReplyYeah that's a brilliant one and I've had to stand through it dozens of times. What happens is you find your spot while the techs are onstage, then about 15 minutes before the band comes on, "the snoggers" push through and stand right in front of you. You're standing purposely close to the people in front of you (who you've carefully selected because they're short, so you can see the stage clearly) and you've made sure there isn't a gap for anyone to hop in, but that doesn't stop the snoggers. They're usually of the "The Whirling Dervish" clan as mentioned in the list above (white rastas) and they're pissed off their faces. Since they have their arms around each other's shoulders, you end up standing through the whole gig keeping watch on the two-thirds full cups of beer in their hands, praying they don't spill them on you. It's odd how they're so pissed, yet the levels in the cups never go down throughout the gig.
Don't get me started on what I call "the thoroughfare" at gigs either. During the support and when the techs are onstage, gaps open up in the crowd, which function as avenues by which people can get to the front or make their way back to the bar. No matter where I stand and how much I try to avoid them, I'm always right on a "thoroughfare" and have an endless procession of people pushing past all the way through the supports and the headliner.
We should find a way to add on the types of couples to this list, or another article. Just got done seeing Rammstein and there was a couple not even 5 feet in front of me literally having sex. I had to laugh though when a giant mosh crew slammed through and ripped them apart >:) They spent the entire rest of the concert heavy petting and making out, and for whatever reason he kept her blindfolded. *sigh* two $100 tickets wasted for them. Couldnt escape them either, any time we moved, and even after we left, they STILL showed up not 5-10 feet in front of us or right beside me and never let up >_
ReplyThe guys who turn up and make no movement to enjoy themselves, not quite the Hater, more the Disinterested. They'll stand staring at the band on stage, arms folded, a look of intense concentration on their face, and throw dirty looks at anyone enjoying themselves.
ReplyI'm tempted to describe these guys as hipsters, because their behaviour is befitting of it. They seem like they go to concerts not to enjoy the music or because they're fans, but simply to brag about being there.
Some guys (like me) actually do that BECAUSE we're fans. The only people I, personally, give dirty glances to are the obvious attention whores. People aren't even listening to the band, and who clearly came there with no purpose other than to be the center of attention of scream their heads off.
This is probably just a North Dakota concert, but there are actually people who go to these concerts and don't expect you to make any bodily contact with you as you're headbanging, dancing, rocking out, and having a good time in general. Some of them get downright pissed! Dude, you're at an Avenged Sevenfold concert. Being on the floor is not where you want to be if you intended on being a wallflower and have some irrational fear of being touched.
ReplyHahahaha Avenged Sevenfold.
Once at a heavy metal concert I stood right next to two guys who - as an alternative to head-banging, for which their hair was too short - kept scratching their heads to the double-bass rhythm. When the lights went back on, I swear there was a ginger fluff all around them. Of course, they don't belong on this list because a) that kind of behaviour must be pretty unique, and b) they weren't really obnoxious - in fact I wouldn't have missed the sight for the world.
ReplyWhat about when the chronic alcoholic notices you, and in a fit of love for you because you like the same band, starts side-hugging you
ReplyYou forgot the buzzkill. You know exactly who I am talking about, people. The person who has a f*****g problem with absolutely everything that happens and cannot for the life of them shut the f**k up or leave. Or the person who brings their drama to the concert and comes just to look for a specific person, pushing people out of the way to get to them and punch them square in the nose for scuffing their nikes earlier at the ticket counter. Those people? Always f*****g present. Always you can bank on it. They're there and they're square.
Replyjust shove them in with the Hater, its a close enough match.
Seems to me like Mr. Brown is just upset his parents didn't take him to go see Backstreet Boys as a kid, and now he has to s**t on parents that take their kids to shows so they can have a good time seeing bands that they enjoy as well. And if other people's stupidity is the sole reason you shouldn't take your kids to concerts, then you might as well never let them set foot outside of their house.
ReplyYou do realize he's talking about very small children, and not ones old enough to remember just how much trouble they'll get into, once they get home, if they misbehave.
I'm surprised there was no mention of the fabled "true fan", a particular breed of cockrot who, much like the hater mentioned above, spends all night sneering at the other fans, not out of dislike for the music, but out of pretentious assholery, and whining about how "they only played their 'commercial' songs", or my personal favourite "I was there from the start, man! Now play track 6 off the second album!
ReplyDon't get me wrong, it's kind of a treat to hear a B-side that you love played live, but don't stake the show on it. imagine going to see a band that never play, charged you the value of your education for the tickets and then don't even play the famous songs that probably got you into them in the first instance. Just think how pissed you'd be.
And the bro, the guy with too much bathroom cologne whose only pick up move is to sneak up behind a girl, latch on like a limpet, and breath "im gonna do you good guuurl" into her ear
ReplyDont forget, wherever there is a bassline (electronica, dubstep, rap, Yanni), there is a "oowa oowa" guy, standing next to the "woop woop" girl, standing next to the guy who's whistling talent allows him to moonlight as a cruise ship foghorn. I wanna beat the whistle guy with my shoe
ReplyMade me think of the woman behind me at the hockey game I went to last night. She had a cowbell, a vuvuzela and the highest pitch/loudest whistle I have ever heard. It ruined the game for me.
Awesome article!
ReplyNo "love" for the groupie; the dove eyed, girl, standing in front of the stage?
ReplyOr the "fan", an belligerent degenerate who keeps trying to jump on stage and head bang it with the band?
How about the "air guitar" master?
I can keep going.. doing a bit of a band photography, and see those above (and in the article) all the time. A lot of spot on descriptions. :D
You missed off 6'4" dude who insists on standing in the first row. I hate that a*****e (5'0" here) =(
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesYeah, tall people should have to go to the back. Damn them thinking they have equal rights.
Look, Tally, no one's saying you have to go to the back. Just be aware of people around you and try not to be a dick to them. Even at 5'8", I still try to make sure I'm not blocking the view when I know someone *even shorter* is sitting behind me.
Wote confirmed beta. I don't give a f**k about some strangers behind me. I want to have a good time.
Summer before last, my mom and I got free floor tickets to a KISS concert because she's in the Army. Also playing: Drowning Pool, Pat Greene, and Daughtry. We were right up front and directly under the speakers. It was great.
ReplyGood thing those tickets were free.