Scientology's 5 Newest Celebrity Recruits
After he simultaneously impregnated and asexualized Katie Holmes, we're all a little sick and tired of Tom Cruise's Scientology-related antics. Luckily, there's a brand new list of celebrities that the CoS has marked as next in line for access into the Scientology jet. Or boat. Castle? Where do Scientologists practice? Anyway, here's a list of the lunatic Scientology prophets of tomorrow. Granted, they're not all Scientologists yet, but give it a few years and they'll be drinking the Scientology Kool-Aid. Or eating the Scientology Taco. Sucking down the Scientology Slurpee? Anyway here they are.
#5.
Will Smith: Scientologist
Best Known For:
Jiggyness; giant wooden spider-fighting; heir to the kingdom of Bel-Air.
Why We Think He'll Be Next:
For years, rumors about their respective sexualities have plagued Will and Frito-sized beard, Jada Pinkett-Smith. Enter Scientology. As a ruthless corporation able to smokescreen the private sex lives of celebrities, the Church actually provides a pretty valuable service (but come on, John Travolta, meet them halfway. You can't suck the lettuce out of your boyfriend's teeth on a tarmac and expect Scientology to use its Men in Black mind eraser on America. "But I did it in front of a plane!" That's not how it works, John. You just made the plane gay too).
In a 2007 interview, Smith admitted to studying Scientology with Tom Cruise, but then probably realized how crazy that sounded and backpedaled with a weak qualification that he's a "student of world religions" in general. "Ninety-eight percent of the principles [in Scientology] are identical to the principles of the Bible... I don't think that because the word someone uses for spirit is 'thetan' that the definition becomes any different." Big Willy Style makes some cogent arguments here, as would be expected of a man who's pretended to be a sassy cowboy. Anyone who's read the Bible can tell you the terms "spirit" and "frozen alien volcano ghost " are pretty interchangeable. Ask a priest!
But the biggest indicator that Will thought Men In Black was a documentary was when he and Jada spent millions to found the New Village Leadership Academy, a school based on the teachings of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
When an actor thinks he's smart enough to educate his children in his kitchen, that's a harmless joke, because everyone sort of understands that Will Smith's kids are going to grow up and be retarded, and that's funny. But when he builds a school and starts handing out diplomas to the neighborhood kids, the joke's gone a little too far. If the Fresh Prince wants to take out his son's tonsils, that's between him and the police, but that doesn't make him a doctor, no matter how many times he paints HOSPITAL on his garage door.
What He'll Be Sacrificing for Scientology:
Forced to ritually murder DJ Jazzy Jeff as to achieve Level 8 Operating Thetan level.
#4.
Janeane Garofalo: Scientologist
Best Known For:
Being the only comedian on the planet who doesn't think anything is funny.
Why We Think She'll Be Next:
It wasn't difficult to notice Garofalo's transition from charmingly acerbic actress (Reality Bites, Romy & Michele's High School Reunion) to shrill left-wing know-it-all and Scientology shill, but it was pretty upsetting.
As we mentioned in our last expose, supposed atheist Garofalo used her Air America radio show go shithouse-rat crazy for the controversial New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project, based on the teachings of--drum roll, please--L. Ron Hubbard. She dedicated multiple episodes of "Majority Report" to the program, which caused increasingly strained relations between Garofalo and co-host Sam Seder. Seder and the show's producer walked off in protest after Garofalo suggested he wouldn't have opposed the project if it had been "linked to Jews instead of Scientologists." Not the classiest thing to say when your co-host is one of the chosen, but then again, she was only trying to encourage people horribly traumatized by the events of 9/11 to sit in a sauna while drinking cooking oil laced with niacin. Oh, how we wish we were making that up.
No need to worry about Janeane, though. Despite ultimately leaving the radio show, she's doing just fine and still calling anyone who disagrees with her racist:
Don't get us wrong, we know there are probably plenty of those tea-bagger guys who aren't too pleased about having a black man in the White House, but in this case Garofalo's just so fucking annoying and smugly self-satisfied she's the one whose head we want to put a hood over. We finally understand how conservatives feel every time Glenn Beck opens his mouth.
What She'll Be Sacrificing for Scientology:
Glossy 8x10 picture of Winona Ryder signed "Dear Janeane, always stay relevant! Love, 1994."
#3.
David and Victoria Beckham: Scientologists
Best Known For:
Telling us what we want, what we really, really want. Assuming (not incorrectly) that what we want are a lot of pictures of them mostly naked.
Why We Think They'll Be Next:
A couple of famewhores who love money and hate pants? Seems like a match made in the Galactic Confederacy.
England's trash became America's treasure when soccer hooligan/popular nudist David Beckham and wife, Old Spice, immigrated to our shores so David could play America's least popular sport. Tom Cruise quickly swept the couple up, no doubt trying to indoctrinate yet another rich, sexually ambiguous couple into the Scientology fold. The couple soon became BFFTIs (Best Friends For This Incarnation), and David Beckham admitted to "admiring" Cruise's beliefs and knowledge, even while denying Cruise was trying to recruit them.
"I respect any person's religion but he's never pushed anything on to us. Friends don't do that," Beckham told GQ Magazine. He failed to mention if friends also never try to kiss you, or purchase your semen to impregnate child brides with. We're pretty sure the denials would have been a bit more convincing if we hadn't heard the exact same thing from Will Smith right before he built a goddamn Scientology school.
Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has been parading Victoria around to Hollywood producers and directors in hopes of getting her acting jobs, despite all evidence pointing to the fact that neither of them can act. However, Posh IS allegedly lined up to play an alien bride in the Cruise-backed film The Thetan. Because as the Oscar-winning international blockbuster Battlefield Earth taught the world, a Scientology movie is basically a license to print money.
What They'll Be Sacrificing to Scientology:
David Beckham forced to spend two hours a week "modeling" in Tom Cruise's private art gallery. Victoria Beckham forced to wash Tom Cruise's car.
'I feel that religion could really help the world'
ReplyWe don't need it to, science can determine human values and promote the well-being of all conscious animals. That is what is best in the scientific mindset, that which is good for most of us is best for the species.
Science can do all that? I'll just run and get myself an altar to science. What shall I sacrifice to it? I don't know if you have a working definition of the word science in your mind. I do know that you've never looked up criticisms of utilitarianism. My guess is that you're a college freshman smug with the knowledge that you've completed half a semester of intro to morality.
All joking aside, is Scientology really a religion? I mean, they don't have a deity, right? I'm really not trying to make fun of it (for once), I just think it sounds more like a SyFy "Original" movie. (Okay, then I did kind of make fun of it.)
ReplyBuddhism is another religion with no deities.
Couldn't you, just once, rip on a nutty liberal (Jeanine) without having to actually make it about conservatives?
ReplyI'm surprised that all hippies aren't Scientologists, lol. I mean with all the "Scientology Kook-Aid", " Scientology Tacos", and "Scientology Slurpees" they're handing out... They must be overflowing with LSD and other mind altering drugs hippies have come to love and survive on.
Reply"we know there are probably plenty of those tea-bagger guys who aren't too pleased about having a black man in the White House"
ReplyHow do you know that? No one can criticize the president? We're supposed to accept a government mandated takeover of the 6th largest industry in the united states and we should just 'stop cryin' 'stop whinin' 'stop grumblin'?
Perhaps that's why the Democrats picked Obama as their man, so he could jam through stimulus packages, healthcare bills, and foodstamp programs and no one can criticize him because they'll be labeled as a racist.
Lastly, Janine Garafelo most likely speaks for a majority of the conformicrats out there. It just sounds repugnant when someone actually verbalizes the liberal train of thought
Thanks for assuming that the thoughts of one person can be applied to an entire group...
You sound like you vapidly ate the words of a bunch of Fox pundits and regurgitated them. Not only does your pile of catch phrases not add up to a coherent argument, but you have completely missed the point of this article.
Oh, scientology; providing evidence that there will always be people out there who will believe whatever the f**k their told regardless of how batshit insane it may be. Well, that and that celebrity endorsements count for more than I had previously thought...
ReplyBut hey, try to reach the next thetan level, drink some wine/some dude's "blood" while discussing burning bushes that talk to people, or go blow yourself up for 40 virgins in whatever hellish afterlife would result from being around the same 40 women for the rest of eternity; pick your brand of crazy.
Edgar Winter's great...and to Muffles below me, yes, meth is crazy-everywhere out here.
Replyyes, yes it is, but i blame breaking bad for making it look so fun.
Don't worry man, the midwest has more than enough crystal meth to make up for losing Alaska. It's pretty much the only industry still thriving out here.
Reply'soccer hooligan'? Either showing your supreme ignorance or just lack of comedic ability, you choose.
Reply#1, Oh, that explains a lot.
ReplyGarofalo is freakin cool. And funny.
ReplyHeh. Heh, haha. Yeah okay.
Cracked staff really ought to stop trying to write things about footballers. Referring to David Beckham as a 'soccer hooligan' and 'England's trash' when he's one of the most beloved footballers and sporting icons in England's recent history is an abject failure. I would expect to be routed if I attempted to write uneducated remarks about gridiron players since I don't follow the game whatsoever, so I'd appreciate it in future if you'd stick to what you know.
Reply Hide All See All 9 RepliesBy the way, s**te misleading title. Clearly you've never heard of journalistic integrity and are just using Cracked as a means of gaining some attention without doing anything to earn it. You're actually less credible than 'Chuck Bronson' and those idiots who called the Eurovision Song Contest 'The European Version of American Idol'. Pathetic.
"football" as you call soccer, sucks and therefore sacrificed the name football to real football, which sucks a little bit less.
I wouldn't give Beckham too much credit. He's a damn talented man but some on. He has a comically inflated ego, even by sports star standards, and married a dog-faced, idiotic, b***hy, stick of a former s**cE GIRL. You can't even call her a trophy wife, I mean look at her...she kills boners like raid kills ants.
Wait...You are demanding journalistic integrity...from cracked? If you would come out of your hatecave a bit more often, you might notice this site is 99% dick jokes with a 1% margain of error.
You know, trying not to sound like an idiot fails when you go out of your way to sound like an idiot to people who dont give a damn waht you think.
Except that you think this site is "journalism" do you even know what Cracked is? Idiot.
I get BBC America. One television station among all of Britain's media, and taht's enough to see jabs here and there at America's celebrities and well-knowns. You have a problem with one poke at David Beckham? Get bent. He's not the god you limeys seem to think he is.
Get over yourself and your overrated football star.
Come on, it's a completely accurate portrait of these two fame whores. They're actually jerking each other off every time they get mentioned by some half-baked provincial yellow-press fish wrap. They're self-important egomaniacs and so fake that they could stand in for their counterfeits at Madame Tussaud's for a week without anyone even noticing.
In reply to xdom125x: Your use of the term "real football" is bullshit, Football originated in England. The first account of a kicking ball game was in 1280 near Northumberland.
He's a chav and you know it
Why would you use such a deceiving title? Very very weak decision on your part. Using "...potential recruits" would have been better (as in true) IMO.
ReplyAgreed, this piece of rubbish is on the level of an MSN gossip column.
Yeah, why wasnt this site 100% honest? Its not like this is a humor site or anything. Right on the top of the page it says "America's Only Humor and Video Site Since 1958."
53 years of web journalism taken down by a year old article.
I remember when Janeane Garofalo was cool.
Replyi must have missed this magical time.
you could call a virtual target not a hack, hacking targets irl with cpu over net or etc, modern electronic 'lockpikcin'
Replyincluding you, i think exactly 0 people have any idea what the f**k you are trying to say
not to be confused with cheating, a very weak form of hacking that only gives you game points, wow gold hack would be a more serious and valued program or etc, whereas the hack that gives you their c: or the db, or the gas plant valve controls? gettin serious, need ninjas + nerds to hit that s**t, they don't network it or do solid and hard and obfuscated as well, often local hits too if it can explode via computer systems not doin something or doin it wrong but optional subtle dif
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWas that even english?
Was he supposed to be replying to somebody?
my hovercraft is full of eels!
my hovercraft is full of eels
i gave a video game 3% once, was a tournmanet, otherwise hard to care if you can't die, hacking isn't a game but occurs in them and elsewhere in the bitstream with humans and bits
ReplyWill, the similarities that Scientology has to religiopns that are currantly blowing each-other up are BAD things, not good things. Now, if scientology had similarities to religions that have never hurt a fly, that'd be different.
ReplyCracked, that sucks. I have very little time for Palin but sticking her pic next to that headline is just low.
ReplyIt's exactly what that malicious b***h deserves.
I just LOOOOVE being described as a "tea bagger guy" because my political beliefs don't include giving 45% of my f**king salary to the government to spend.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesTry and hide the bias a little, okay? You're alienating your audience.
...yeah, doesn't everyone just hate public schools, parks, and roads...
America has the lowest taxes in the world and now you're complaining about living in one of the wealthiest countries because you can't spend all day outside grocery stores with the Obama with Hitler 'Staches and get your ass off that chair and get some work done.(sorry for the run-on sentence)
Who would anyone want to pay taxes? Especially the rich? They're the prime beneficiaries of this infrastructure, yet they don't feel as though they should have to feed some of their capital back into it.
Sure, take 100% of your salary but don't you dare using anything that has been even partially funded by the public/ state. Let's see how far you'd get..