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Scientology's 5 Newest Celebrity Recruits

By Karla Pacheco June 23, 2009 511,773 views
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After he simultaneously impregnated and asexualized Katie Holmes, we're all a little sick and tired of Tom Cruise's Scientology-related antics. Luckily, there's a brand new list of celebrities that the CoS has marked as next in line for access into the Scientology jet. Or boat. Castle? Where do Scientologists practice? Anyway, here's a list of the lunatic Scientology prophets of tomorrow. Granted, they're not all Scientologists yet, but give it a few years and they'll be drinking the Scientology Kool-Aid. Or eating the Scientology Taco. Sucking down the Scientology Slurpee? Anyway here they are.

#5.
Will Smith: Scientologist

Best Known For:

Jiggyness; giant wooden spider-fighting; heir to the kingdom of Bel-Air.

Why We Think He'll Be Next:

For years, rumors about their respective sexualities have plagued Will and Frito-sized beard, Jada Pinkett-Smith. Enter Scientology. As a ruthless corporation able to smokescreen the private sex lives of celebrities, the Church actually provides a pretty valuable service (but come on, John Travolta, meet them halfway. You can't suck the lettuce out of your boyfriend's teeth on a tarmac and expect Scientology to use its Men in Black mind eraser on America. "But I did it in front of a plane!" That's not how it works, John. You just made the plane gay too).

In a 2007 interview, Smith admitted to studying Scientology with Tom Cruise, but then probably realized how crazy that sounded and backpedaled with a weak qualification that he's a "student of world religions" in general. "Ninety-eight percent of the principles [in Scientology] are identical to the principles of the Bible... I don't think that because the word someone uses for spirit is 'thetan' that the definition becomes any different." Big Willy Style makes some cogent arguments here, as would be expected of a man who's pretended to be a sassy cowboy. Anyone who's read the Bible can tell you the terms "spirit" and "frozen alien volcano ghost " are pretty interchangeable. Ask a priest!

But the biggest indicator that Will thought Men In Black was a documentary was when he and Jada spent millions to found the New Village Leadership Academy, a school based on the teachings of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.

When an actor thinks he's smart enough to educate his children in his kitchen, that's a harmless joke, because everyone sort of understands that Will Smith's kids are going to grow up and be retarded, and that's funny. But when he builds a school and starts handing out diplomas to the neighborhood kids, the joke's gone a little too far. If the Fresh Prince wants to take out his son's tonsils, that's between him and the police, but that doesn't make him a doctor, no matter how many times he paints HOSPITAL on his garage door.

What He'll Be Sacrificing for Scientology:

Forced to ritually murder DJ Jazzy Jeff as to achieve Level 8 Operating Thetan level.

#4.
Janeane Garofalo: Scientologist

Best Known For:

Being the only comedian on the planet who doesn't think anything is funny.

Why We Think She'll Be Next:

It wasn't difficult to notice Garofalo's transition from charmingly acerbic actress (Reality Bites, Romy & Michele's High School Reunion) to shrill left-wing know-it-all and Scientology shill, but it was pretty upsetting.

As we mentioned in our last expose, supposed atheist Garofalo used her Air America radio show go shithouse-rat crazy for the controversial New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project, based on the teachings of--drum roll, please--L. Ron Hubbard. She dedicated multiple episodes of "Majority Report" to the program, which caused increasingly strained relations between Garofalo and co-host Sam Seder. Seder and the show's producer walked off in protest after Garofalo suggested he wouldn't have opposed the project if it had been "linked to Jews instead of Scientologists." Not the classiest thing to say when your co-host is one of the chosen, but then again, she was only trying to encourage people horribly traumatized by the events of 9/11 to sit in a sauna while drinking cooking oil laced with niacin. Oh, how we wish we were making that up.

No need to worry about Janeane, though. Despite ultimately leaving the radio show, she's doing just fine and still calling anyone who disagrees with her racist:

Don't get us wrong, we know there are probably plenty of those tea-bagger guys who aren't too pleased about having a black man in the White House, but in this case Garofalo's just so fucking annoying and smugly self-satisfied she's the one whose head we want to put a hood over. We finally understand how conservatives feel every time Glenn Beck opens his mouth.

What She'll Be Sacrificing for Scientology:

Glossy 8x10 picture of Winona Ryder signed "Dear Janeane, always stay relevant! Love, 1994."

#3.
David and Victoria Beckham: Scientologists

Best Known For:

Telling us what we want, what we really, really want. Assuming (not incorrectly) that what we want are a lot of pictures of them mostly naked.

Why We Think They'll Be Next:

A couple of famewhores who love money and hate pants? Seems like a match made in the Galactic Confederacy.

England's trash became America's treasure when soccer hooligan/popular nudist David Beckham and wife, Old Spice, immigrated to our shores so David could play America's least popular sport. Tom Cruise quickly swept the couple up, no doubt trying to indoctrinate yet another rich, sexually ambiguous couple into the Scientology fold. The couple soon became BFFTIs (Best Friends For This Incarnation), and David Beckham admitted to "admiring" Cruise's beliefs and knowledge, even while denying Cruise was trying to recruit them.

"I respect any person's religion but he's never pushed anything on to us. Friends don't do that," Beckham told GQ Magazine. He failed to mention if friends also never try to kiss you, or purchase your semen to impregnate child brides with. We're pretty sure the denials would have been a bit more convincing if we hadn't heard the exact same thing from Will Smith right before he built a goddamn Scientology school.

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has been parading Victoria around to Hollywood producers and directors in hopes of getting her acting jobs, despite all evidence pointing to the fact that neither of them can act. However, Posh IS allegedly lined up to play an alien bride in the Cruise-backed film The Thetan. Because as the Oscar-winning international blockbuster Battlefield Earth taught the world, a Scientology movie is basically a license to print money.

What They'll Be Sacrificing to Scientology:

David Beckham forced to spend two hours a week "modeling" in Tom Cruise's private art gallery. Victoria Beckham forced to wash Tom Cruise's car.

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168 Comments

The Palins Converting to Scientology???!!
Man,That's F'ng Hilarious!!
I Could See Sarah Palin Saying
"Oh I Can Skin a Moose and I'm a Level Three Thetan,Oh You Betcha!!!".

9/13/2009 10:23:04 AM
TheEnemyBelow

Frank Stallone (Frank Stallone), had me dieing of laughter for some reason.

9/11/2009 8:20:40 AM
A-Ron

OMG... This article is hilarious. I never join sites, but, had to to say thank you for this entertaining and clever article. Very clever.

Going to start reading more "Cracked", especially when I'm up at the 'crack'.

9/9/2009 3:03:35 AM
doright

oh my god i am so shocked c*m on dred why when persons get money they forget the 1 and true god the almighty god and his son jesus christ i dnt care how big or great or talented u r u must show god respect because with out him none of it would be possible i love god i am so shocked. All this church of scientology is a bunch of crap

8/19/2009 9:45:55 AM
babygirl242

Since when was the Tea-baggers considered racist they didn't want new taxes that's all. Not sure how racism tied in with taxes, but..wait i see it now...wait nope sorry that was some old southern state. I hate celebrities.

6/28/2009 2:58:43 AM
Phattiger

Good old Break stuff. Good to be laughing! More fun videos that I recommend! "Week's Most Hilarious Videos" http://www.tv1.com/playlists/454

6/27/2009 7:25:58 PM
sky_slasher

My vote goes for David and Old Spice. I believe they are going to donate every cent they own to the Church of Scientology and work as unpaid disciples.

6/27/2009 6:47:02 AM
davidw.osedach

I didn't really get what was supposed to be funny about the Will Smith thing. Is home-schooling considered to be bizarre behavior and I'm just completely out of the loop here? I guess I'm not surprised since more and more of the "comedy" I've been reading here seems to be based more on bizarre assumptions, trying to sound intellectual or plain ol' stupidity than humorous observations. To me going from Will Smith home schooling his kids (or whatever the f**k is going on here) to him performing surgery and joining a cult is about as funny as some lame joke that goes from "A gay guy was elected mayor!" to "What's he going to do next...give everyone AIDS?" or one of those other non-jokes that bad comedians do that everyone seems laugh at like "So, I was in NEW YORK the other day (riotous laughter erupts from the audience)..."

6/25/2009 5:07:38 PM
Mahawk

Great article had me rolling, keep it up.

6/25/2009 3:38:31 AM
jayjack

David Beckham won't join the Scientologists because he's going back to England to join Chelsea FC.

You heard it here..

Also I wish it wasn't true, he's a f****n gee-bag

6/24/2009 3:52:38 PM
-Scorpio

You all love jesus don't you. It's sooooo obvious. Jesus jesus jesus jesus.

Grow the f**k up. Scientology's just another retarded religion like any other. There is only one true god, and that's my husband, JR "Bob" Dobbs. Repent, quit your jobs, and slack off. But mostly, stop your god damned childish scientology jokes. You know you'd convert for 10 million a movie.

6/24/2009 12:56:12 PM
ConnieDobbs

i prefer to watch megan fox hot topless photo

http://watchcelebrity.com/megan_superwomen.html

6/24/2009 12:20:54 PM
joepaper

I prefer to study Skankology:
http://www.FilthyRichmond.com

6/24/2009 11:59:20 AM
brownsauce

'Anybody who sincerely believes [scientology] is completely f*****g braindead'

NO! I wish this were the case. IF you hear about Xenu and 'the wall of fire' right off the bat, then sure, Scientology seems laughable. But that is precisely why all those people who think that Scientology is no different or more absurd than other religions are speaking from ignorance of the facts.

The thing is, Scientology is a bait and switch gig that starts off as a kind of self-help program with the seemingly reasonable suggestion that if you try it you will see for yourself that it works. Then, what follows before you do any courses are a series of training routines that are what one psychologist called most overt form of hypnosis and brainwashing used by any cult.

Look into these TR's, the process of advancement, the brainwashing techniques and programs of intimidation through threats of disconnection, etc. You'll realize that practicing scientologists do not have to be especially gullible or stupid. Despite the fact that LRH was a certified nutcase, the program that he instituted is actually quite brilliant, but utterly evil.

Watch the Jason Beghe interview. As he said, you don't have to be stupid, because scientology MAKES you stupid. Most scientologists don't actually even know the Xenu story, and those who do have gone through so many years of conditioning that not accepting this story is essentially no longer an option - and if you did not have the information that has only become common knowledge through the hard work of activists under the threat of litigation and worse, and if you were unfortunate enough to run into this cult when you were in a rut and looking for answers, YOU could well be in the sea org right now.

So thanks Cracked. Yeah, its a comedy site, but while it is funny, this cult is no joke

6/24/2009 9:02:18 AM
crod

"For all of you shouting about cracked being left-wing conservative bashers... did you actually read the whole article? I mean, also the second entry?"

Please, we can't actually read entire articles if there is shouting to be done!

6/24/2009 3:33:29 AM
RandomPoster

Since people in Christian societies say that bad situations are "hell," and good situations are "heaven," and good people are "angels," does that mean that Scientologists call a bad person a "Xenu," and someone who's acting like an idiot is "full of thetans?" Like "Alice is such a Xenu, saying that stuff about me. She's so full of thetans."

6/24/2009 3:11:39 AM
lol_alf

good thing we have white people who can tell us all how racism is negatively effecting the country because we all know that white people now how racist think right people?...am i right?...come on now don't be shy...i just wanna get rid of those damned nigge...

6/24/2009 2:31:13 AM
The_Walkin_Dude

For all of you shouting about cracked being left-wing conservative bashers... did you actually read the whole article? I mean, also the second entry?

6/24/2009 2:26:24 AM
popmaker

this s**t is scary as hell

6/24/2009 2:14:34 AM
Dondadon

nope, i said that its a traditional western faith in that it ties their particular people to a God of everything. People have been doing this for eons whether they beleive in one or more than one diety. Greeks had Hercules, the Jews had Abraham, The Christians have Jesus, the difference, and the key to christianity's success was to be accepted by the christian version of God all you had to do was beleive in Jesus and your in the Abrahamic club. It enables christanity to become personal rather than traditional. I ment no disrespect, in fact Judaism is probly one of my favorite religions still around these days. Neopagans are interseting, but modern, and I dont think they really understand what paganism ment. To put it bluntly the old Gods were patrons of civilizations that arent around anymore. I just think is disrespectful to consider them primitive just because they dont have a monothesim fetish. After all what is an angel but a demigod, a devil but Loki?

6/24/2009 12:15:30 AM
Jovian84

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