Alcohol basically created the United States, which explains a lot about a country founded on “all men are created equal, and SLAVERY RULES!” But let's be realistic, here: booze may be harmful to your health, may make you think you're better at karaoke than you are, and may be incompatible with driving, but also…beer is a performance-enhancing drug. Feels like God's on the side of beer, here. Or least God was on beer's side in 19th-century London. Hey, speaking of gods, Ancient Egyptians used beer to defeat the gods, those rotten jerks.

Booze has gotten humanity far in life. Just look at how inventive alcoholics are! A credit to the species. We don't have the numbers on how drunk everyone in the Apollo program was, but since we have space wine now, let's casually allege “halfway between Don Draper and Lemmy." So all you stuffy city councils and teetotaling do-gooders need to leave our booze alone. We'll go home when we're good and ready. We're fine to drive, too, how hard can flying a space shuttle hammered be? Someone call Mission Control, Cracked is coming back to Houston and READY to PARTY!


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