The 4 Most Preposterous Ways to Get Drunk
Getting your drank on. Is there anything more noble? Yes, most things. Few people ever achieve stunning Hemingway levels of awesomeness whilst shitfaced. Instead they achieve things slightly more noteworthy than a hobo shitting in his own boots to keep his feet warm. And yet we still really enjoy getting a good buzz because it facilitates sharing feelings, having sex with people who otherwise would probably not tolerate us, and vomiting. So much vomiting. With all these wondrous benefits, of course drinking is a popular hobby, but dammit if some people don't have a big ol' boner on to screw with it and do it some novel, new way, as though ingestion were somehow cramping their style. Crazy sumbitches.
Back in 2011, my fellow mirthematician Soren Bowie wrote on the phenomenon of butt chugging and how utterly false it was. While I was researching this article, I found evidence that butt chugging was in fact real, and thus, by order of Cracked management, I was bidden to copulate with Soren's mother while he was in the room! His lesson learned, Soren will never write another article that dares be in direct contrast to my own work ever again.
Butt chugging is a real thing, and a Tennessee frat boy was hospitalized as a result of it, despite later holding a press conference with his lawyer to tell everyone that butt chugging is super gross and he's totally not gay, bro. So fuck off. He then later filled his asshole with Thunderbird. I assume. Because he went to the hospital with a shitbox full of wine, and police questioned everyone on the scene who did it, too, so it's hard to argue with that. But I digress.
The idea behind the ol' butt chug is as follows -- your face hole is old and shitty. Look at it: exposed to the elements all day, smiling like a face full of fuck. Good God. Forget it. On the other hand, your precious, delicate asshole is always nestled in cotton undies, cradled like the delicate little pucker it is, and directly connected to a stank tube that's made of 10 percent mucus, 60 percent poo, and 40 percent alcohol-hungry poop chutery. And that poop tubing of yours can absorb vodka way better and faster than anything directly connected to your lame ass face orifice. And when you think about it, you dad probably gets drunk through the face hole. People in the Dark Ages got drunk through the face hole, and those people didn't even know to not shit in their own beds, probably. Idiots. Why would you want to live like them? You don't.
"I'm putting this in my mouth. My God, did the Chinese win a war when I was on the shitter?"
The big issue with the idea of butt chugging is logic. So inserting a tube and decanting a Four Loko into your nether chasm will get you drunk faster, but what exactly is the benefit of that? What pressing meeting do you need to get to in the next five minutes that absolutely necessitates that you be there, but also be falling-down shitfaced when you arrive? When has anyone ever needed to be drunk right away? This is not a thing that ever occurs. If you need to be drunk earlier in the night, then by all means start drinking earlier in the night. But without a sufficient explanation as to why you need to be drunk really fast, there isn't really a good reason to put a hose in your asshole and try to get a whole case of Pabst up in there when you could just as easily be sitting on the couch watching TV while you drink it.
Now that we've covered your ass, the next logical way to imbibe booze is through a hole that's already plugged -- your eye. "Logical," if you're the kind of person who posts videos of your own mild suffering on YouTube because "it's so awesome, dude!" Then later you do the cinnamon challenge, suck a condom up your nose, and eat some ghost peppers, because you are a dickhead. The media were tickled pink to discover this trend and reported on the awfulness of it while calling it a "disturbing trend" as many times per minute as the FCC would allow.
Like filling your other non-drinking holes before it, the idea of eyeball shots was labeled either a fad or a hoax by some after the initial media frenzy to share the traumatic stories with us, but, as we've learned, it doesn't matter if it was fake before the news broke the story, because it sure as shit became real after, and YouTube had hundreds of videos to back it up. Some even went back as far as 2006 to indicate that people were really this dumb before CNN and FOX told them to be this dumb.
The closest thing we have to an active Justice League, the American Academy of Ophthalmology, came out against the practice, as it is their sworn duty to oppose you putting shit in your eye, as anyone who remembers the great "Salt in Your Eye" coup of '88 can attest to. The day we all saw the blurry, watery forms of ophthalmologists landing on the beach was a day that lives on in all our hearts. They also brought with them the double-barreled attack of common sense and vague knowledge of anatomy, which thoroughly trounced the idea behind eyeball shots. Firstly, for those who didn't notice, your fucking eye is in your eye. This is why we consume most nutrients through the mouth -- there isn't a big thing plugging the gap. Secondly, your eye is sealed up pretty damn tight and has fairly small blood vessels, meaning its ability to absorb anything into the bloodstream is remarkably limited. Of all the inefficient ways to absorb alcohol, this would be the most inefficient, as it is more likely just to cause permanent damage to your vision, rather than give you a buzz. Literally the only stupider ways you could try to get booze into your body would be telekinetically or using your urethra as a straw.
Another trend for which you can thank YouTube, the idea of inhaling or smoking alcohol has been around for a while. There are bars in Europe that use it as a gimmick, but YouTube made it down home easy by providing videos that show you how you, too, can get all piss-tank sloppy without even needing a functional stomach -- all it takes is a bike pump and a plastic bottle. Even hobos have that shit! Back alley partay!
The basic idea behind this is you put alcohol in a bottle and then add air -- a bike pump is the favorite of YouTubers. Seal the bottle with a cork or a rubber stopper of some kind around the pump needle and then fill it with air, increasing pressure until the bottle is pretty firm. When you release the pressure, it's like a little booze fairy arrives and farts magical clouds all over the bottle. The change in pressure immediately vaporizes the alcohol and you can suck back a lungful of sweet, sweet Drambuie.
Like all the other methods of getting drunk that don't include drinking, the selling point of this is that it gets you drunk on the super quick. Because you're bypassing the stomach, you also don't take in those extra boozy calories, so you can maintain that diet while still snorting your way toward believing that C.H.U.D. across the room is probably hot enough to wipe your genitals across.
"I don't get it, I've been inhaling bacon and fudge every morning!"
Doctors, Debbie Downers that they are, are quick to point out that you're trading your fast buzz for potential lung and brain damage, since the alcohol is hitting your brain much more quickly than the old-fashioned drinky drinky way. They forget to mention that you need a big, fat bottle and a bicycle pump with you for this to work, so why the hell would you ever do this? You should never need a bicycle pump to do anything, aside from pumping up a bike tire, and even then you should have your manservant do it whilst you sit in the shade with a mojito made from exotic limes picked by upper middle class families from Oregon who have been forced into humiliating servitude for your pleasure. You call them your limebeciles and never learn their names.
At the end of your booze-gassening experiment, you'll still be left with a jug full of liquid, which you're going to either drink or throw away, both of which make you look like a wasteful chump, and you know what Lincoln said about wasteful chumps. He said "fuck them." It's on the $5 bill, go look.
Soren also covered vodka tampons in his column, and guess what? Actually, no, people don't really do that. Or they didn't until the media and smarty-pantses like Soren decided to tell everyone they didn't do it, because then people tried to actually do it. The Wall Street Journal did a big expose in 2010 about how I never masturbate, and let me tell you, I taught those assholes a lesson. Anyway, a blogger for the Huffington Post even tried to make vodka tampons happen for real and wrote about how her experience was less than compelling or drunkening.
Turns out a few things work against the idea of vodka tampons, chief among them being that a tampon can only hold about a shot's worth of booze. So you have to pour a shot, stuff a tampon in it, soak it up, and then wedge the tampon in place while trying to avoid squeezing most of the booze out, since tampons, in most industrialized and non-clown-run countries, are designed to go in empty. In the time it takes you to do this, you likely could down several shots.
"Ten tampons later, I'm barely buzzed, and my box burns like an eyeful of Sriracha."
Now let's say that even though you could drink those shots, the vodka tampon is a better idea because your vag is just so damn hungry for booze, it'll sop it up like a ShamWow and get you blitzed way faster. Your next issue, as discovered by HuffPo, is that vodka burns crotches. You're not supposed to fill your sensitive lady parts with 40 percent alcohol. Because no shit. If you possess a vagina, but not the ability to intuit the pain it would cause to fill it with some Smirnoff, your brain probably can't risk any more exposure to alcohol anyway. I don't even have a vagina and I don't want to put vodka in my vagina.
Arguably the biggest issue with the concept of vodka tampons is related to the very nature of tampons themselves. Having never used one, I had to seek the expertise of a vaginologist, who assured me that the primary function of a tampon is to absorb. So you take this already soggy thing and jimmy it into your canal and then what? If the purpose of a tampon is to suck liquid in and not shoot it out like some kind of fun time uterine booze sprinkler, it's just going to sit there and mildly burn you until you remove it. The only possible way for a vodka tampon to even approach being functional is if you've been extensively practicing your Kegels and you bear down on that little bastard, which you're going to have to do while standing on your head to prevent that half a shot of booze you'll get from it from shooting like cobra venom right down your thighs.
A vagina has to be more absorbent than a tampon itself for this entire scenario to work, and if a vagina is more absorbent than a tampon, then no one in the world would use a goddamn tampon because it would literally do nothing. It would be like jamming some kind of oversight committee in your twat, just to waste time and money and accomplish nothing, but making you vaguely uncomfortable. Who wants that?