7 Hilarious Ways Badass Movie Lines Got Ruined by TV Censors
We understand that when movies air on television some pieces of dialogue need to be changed. However, sometimes the "edited for television" dialogue is either ridiculously nonsensical or way worse than what was originally said (not mutually exclusive).
The original line: My name's Buck, and I'm here to fuck.
Move over, Kierkegaard.
In Kill Bill, Uma Thurman is left comatose after being shot by David Carradine (it is unclear whether the coma was a result of the bullet or of having to look at his dehydrated pork chop face for longer than three seconds). In any case, she wakes up briefly to a male nurse named Buck delivering this line as a rape manifesto.
The fixed line: My name's Buck, and I'm here to party.
Buck's truck also changes:
This throws Buck into an entirely different light. Maybe he's a kind-hearted man who tries to brighten the lives of those poor souls in his care by taking them to pizza parties in the Party Wagon. Either way, the line doesn't even rhyme anymore, and that's the real disservice being done here.
Die Hard: With a Vengeance
The original line: I hate niggers.
A mad bomber demands that drunken supercop John McClane wear this blatantly racist sandwich board in the middle of Harlem, lest another bomb be set off. McClane is quickly attacked by a street gang, but he is rescued by Samuel L. Jackson.
The fixed line:
Now McClane just kind of looks like a crazy hobo, which makes the guys who try to kill him seem extremely oversensitive.
The original line: There's going to be sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll, chips, dips, chains, whips. You know, your basic high school orgy type of thing. I'm not talking candle wax on their nipples ...
We don't know, that sounds more like middle school to us.
Nerdy high school students Gary and Wyatt create a sex genie using a Barbie doll and a computer, because this was science in the 1980s. She inadvertently spills the beans on a party by delivering that line to Gary's parents, because she doesn't have a "filter," and moreover, she does not seem to understand what "statutory" means.
The fixed line: There's going to be love, drinks, rock 'n' roll, chips, dips, chicks, peaches. You know, your basic high school ordinary type of thing. I'm not talking candle wax on their pimples ...
The edits make the party sound intensely more disturbing and no less illegal, particularly the inexplicable pairing of girls and peaches.
Dumb and Dumber
The Original Line: Right on my ass, after you kiss it!
It's the perfect response to literally any question.
Jim Carrey, renouncing his friendship with Jeff Daniels over Turbulence's Lauren Holly, tells him exactly where to sign the exit papers.
The Fixed Line: Right on my sandwich, after you kiss it!
The selection of the word "sandwich," which doesn't match any of Jim Carrey's lip movements, is even more confusing when you consider that a sandwich does not appear anywhere in this scene. Also, instructing Jeff Daniels to notarize his invisible lunch doesn't make any fucking sense.
The original line: Get this through your head, you Jew motherfucker, you!
This one is less of an all-purpose phrase.
Joe Pesci, starring in this film as Joe Pesci, is in the desert shout-fighting with Robert De Niro while they both wear their grandmothers' sunglasses.
The fixed line: Get this through your head, you Jew money lover, you!
The edited line is actually way more offensive. Why they didn't simply remove the "Jew" remark entirely is beyond explanation.
The Big Lebowski
The original line: You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?!
This, in case you were curious.
Jeff Bridges and John Goodman confront a teenager named Larry whom they believe has stolen a bag full of money from them. When the interrogation doesn't work, Goodman proceeds to destroy what he thinks is Larry's car.
The fixed line: You see what happens, Larry? You see what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps?! You see what happens when you feed a stoner scrambled eggs?!
What John Goodman says in the edited version is the most nonsensical stream of synapse misfires in the history of epilepsy. We can't even begin to fathom what Superstation employee wrote the new dialogue, let alone the unfortunate event that forced him to rush home for the day without double checking it for crazy stupidness.
Die Hard 2
The Original Line: Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.
"'Blow me, Kemosabe'? No, shit. That's not it either."
Drunk supercop John McClane delivers his signature line while detonating the bad guys, despite the fact that no one is around to hear it.
The Fixed Line: Yippei-ki-yay, Mister Falcon.
"Mister Falcon" has absolutely nothing to do with anything -- it isn't the name of a character or a title of a phase in the terrorists' plot. Those two words are never spoken at any point during the entire movie. Also, it's delivered by a man speaking English as a second language and doing the worst Bruce Willis impression since Mercury Rising.