5 News Stories That Prove the Apocalypse Is Here
The polar vortex. Heat waves. Dinosaur erotica. Chinese smog. Depending on your outlook on life, these are either randomly strung together words or surefire signs that impending doom is nigh. And if the former reasons don't have you convinced that you should hop in the old fallout shelter, then surely these news tidbits will.
Giant Jesus Statue Struck by Lightning
Rio de Janeiro recently suffered a brutal rain and lightning storm that knocked out their electricity and flooded the streets. Things took a more interesting turn, however, when the 125-foot-tall statue of Jesus that overlooks the town was struck by an enormous bolt of lightning. Luckily, a photographer happened to catch the exact moment the statue was struck with a fuckload of gigawatts.
"BY THE POWER OF GOD-SKULL!"
Jesus' right thumb was "severely damaged," adding to the injuries his middle finger suffered last month. Either God is super mad at Jesus' digits for some reason, or the forces of darkness are getting the upper hand.
The Pope's Doves Were Viciously Attacked
The pope recently released several peace doves through a palace window like he was Prince or something. Excited onlookers watched from below as the beautiful birds flew into the air ... only to be savagely assailed by a crow and a seagull seconds later.
It also swiped a woman's beret and shat on a Corvette.
The first dove was able to escape the seagull minus a few feathers, but its doomed friend was last seen in the crow's clutches. The doves were released while Pope Francis was talking about peace in Ukraine, and -- seeing as how street fights between police and protesters involve catapults -- it's hard to interpret this as a good omen.
Police Declare That House Is Haunted
When the Ammons family moved into a quaint rental house in Gary, Ohio, they met with every scary movie trope known to man, including swarms of mysterious flies and levitating children. Despite these ongoing "hauntings" and "possessions" taking place over a span of two years, the Ammonses stuck to the scary movie trope by never fucking leaving.
A psychic informed them they were being haunted by no less than 200 demons, and a priest performed three separate exorcisms. Child services eventually investigated the home with the help of local police, at which point one officer described his recording equipment malfunctioning and another claimed to hear spooky voices after listening to his recording later. After they took several pictures of the house and enlarged them, they saw what appeared to be a figure in a window.
"We think it's the ghost of someone who died while wearing a really shitty ghost costume."
The police were immediately and steadfastly convinced of the house's haunted state, but -- despite the cops' assuredness that the house was haunted by demons -- child protective services somehow didn't agree and took away the Ammons' children for six months (they were returned a short time after the mother moved out of the house). The police remained so convinced months afterward, in fact, that the landlord had to ask them to please stop driving by the house because they were scaring the new tenants.
Pope Blood Stolen for Possible Satanic Rituals
A tiny church tucked in the mountains of Rome had a small vial of the late Pope John Paul's blood displayed in a not-at-all creepy way, until late one night dastardly thieves broke into the church and stole it. Italians immediately began to speculate that it was the work of Satanists because the theft occurred around the start of the new Satanist calendar, which is incidentally not sold at those stores in the mall with all the puppy calendars.
Either that, or we can expect to see a vial of pope blood pop up on eBay within the next couple of weeks. The sacred blood was only one of three in the world and had been saved since John Paul's assassination attempt back in 1981.
The Pope George Ringo samples were left untouched.
Fountain Freezes in Red
In order to get citizens fired up for Chiefs football, Kansas City decided to dye a local fountain red. This valiant deed took on a more sinister look when, thanks to the great Polar Vortex of '14, the fountain froze, making it look like a satanic slushie.
"Does that come in pope's blood flavor?"
This horrifying display was surely a delight to befuddled non-football fans who probably thought the utility company had opened a portal to Tartarus. If nothing else, it served as a glowing reminder of the Chiefs' painful death against the Colts.
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