Today is September 11, and most normal people are observing the 12-year anniversary of this tragedy with memorial services or quiet contemplation. But if you manage a corporate Twitter account, chances are you careened out of bed this morning, poured yourself a big bowl of muesli and mescaline, and screamed into your milky reflection, "MY TRUE NAME IS DON DRAPER 2000."

AT&T Says "Remember the Twin Towers, Phones"

AT&T Follow @ATT Never r Forget pic.twitter.com/74Br2rBL3A Reply 13 Retweet Favorite More 343 127 ve RETWEETS FAVORITES 12:15 PM-11Sep 13 Flag media

Finally, you can offend your entire social group at LTE speeds.

As we've previously noted, companies have zero scruples commandeering national catastrophes to shill random bullshit on Twitter. Also, some folks inexplicably carry on conversations with corporate Twitter accounts as if they're distant cousins.

And on September 11, these two impulses dovetail, so you end up with faceless fast food monoliths like Chick-fil-A and the Cheesecake Factory wanting to deliciously solemnize the day. Such gestures are sort of like attending your grandmother's funeral, only to have Pizza the Hutt from Spaceballs barge in and delivery the eulogy.

5 Awful Ways Companies Commemorated 9/11 on Twitter

She'd have preferred the dancing alien.

But some companies ratchet up the tastelessness even more so -- namely AT&T, which used the deaths of almost 3,000 people as a framing device to remind its followers that their wireless service allows you to upload photos to Instagram.

Was this the work of an excruciatingly naive college intern who wanted to bedazzle the telecom industry on his first day on the job? Did AT&T's Twitterbot become sentient and make a clumsy attempt to display genuine human emotion? We'll never know, as AT&T deleted that shit pronto.

When readers pointed out this ghastly juxtaposition, Esquire's not-quite-contrite Twitter account apologized for the gaffe, but not before asking everyone to "relax" about the "stupid technical glitch."

E Esquire Magazine Esquiremag Relax, everybody. There was stupid a technical glitch on our Falling Man story and it was fixed asap. We're sorry for

Unsurprisingly, this laid-back plea had the opposite effect. Remember, anonymous apologies rarely work if everyone ends up imagining Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles saying them.

Expedia's Tropical Memorial

Should you choose to commemorate one of the worst aviation disasters in human history -- one that has rendered Orville and Wilbur Wright's dreams a national nightmare for everybody who can't afford a Gulfstream -- you probably shouldn't be a travel website.

Expedia 1- Folllowr eExpedia NeverForget Rorie Rataoat *Favonta .-0 Mona 7 3 RETWCETS CAUDITE 13 Reply to aExpeda 02013 Tuet Asout Hale Ads

On the other hand, maybe boning in a beach house is how we beat the terrorists.

Furthermore, you probably shouldn't slap such solemn sentiments atop a background depicting a happy couple en route to totally bone in a Gaugin painting. Speaking of somebody's idea of fun in the sun ...

9/11 Tanning Discounts

BSODY Body Glow Tanning Follow GLOW @bodyglowmn TANNING We are honoring America today - take $5 off any $20 purchase today. Never forget 9/11! Reply R

We'll only describe this with our first reaction, which was "ahhrhrfhncn434566gvdgsfsd=;;;"

Yes, actual human beings at this Minnesota tanning salon thought this was a good idea. To be fair to them, they weren't the first to propose such bargains -- a Wisconsin golf course offered a discount on nine holes for $9.11. Yes, somewhere in the past 365 days, 9/11 somehow became the next Flag Day.

12TH ANNIVERSARY OF 9-11 To Commemorate umbledown this we are offering Trails rails 9 holes with cart for only $9.11 per person or 18 holes with cart

Estimated date when September 11 mattress sales will become acceptable: A.D. 40569.

The Lakers Urge You to Never Forget Kobe Bryant's Afro

And finally we have the Los Angeles Lakers, who posted this confusing photo of an at-his-prime Kobe Bryant. It's unclear why the Lakers posted this, until you see a tiny 9/11 memorial patch tucked below his somewhat constipated countenance. (This too was promptly deleted.)

Los Angeles Lakers Follow @Lakers #NeverForget pic.twitter.com/fbVPp1hU1J Reply 13 Retweet Favorite ..0 More LAKERS #NEVERFORGET

"Always remember my invisible kazoo."

Yes, this was a day of remembrance and regretting anybody ever invented the Internet. Play us out, Donald.

Donald J. Trump Follow @realDonaldTrump I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th

Cyriaque Lamar is a senior editor at Cracked.

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