The 7 Dumbest Things Ever Done by Airport Security
If there's one holiday ritual we all know and hate, it's that yearly trip to the airport, where the friendly security man awaits with his X-ray machine, his metal detector and possibly a well-lubed rubber glove.
While none of us want to spend the holidays involved in a terrorist incident (unless you're living in the Die Hard universe), you have to admit that sometimes security gets a little out of hand. And then there are horror stories like...
#7.
Terrorist Breasts Safely Disarmed with Pliers
Just Another Day In Line:
Mandi Hamlin was just trying to grab a flight from Lubbock, TX. She made it through the main security scanners and her various metal piercings hadn't set off any alarms. Then she was wanded by a female TSA employee and discovered that, without her knowledge, her breasts had joined Al Qaeda.
Uh-Oh:
Apparently figuring that the metal nipple rings were there to disguise some kind of implanted boob lasers, Hamlin was forced to remove both of her piercings.
One came out with no problem, but the other had to be removed using pliers. This was done behind a screen, while (according to Hamlin) male agents stood nearby laughing at her.
Here's what the Transportation Security Administration had to say for itself:
"TSA supports the thoroughness of the officers involved as they were acting to protect the passengers and crews of the flights departing Lubbock that day... In the future, TSA will inform passengers that they have the option to resolve the alarm through a visual inspection of the article in lieu of removing the item in question."
We suppose the visual inspection beats the hands on approach. Though it's just a matter of time until Al Qaeda develops some kind of poisonous nanodarts that can fire out from those piercings and kill everyone on board. Or at least that's what keeps happening in that dream we dare not tell the therapist about.
Where will you be when tits strike back?
To Make Things Worse...
Before the Hamlin incident, the TSA saw fit to feel up dozens of women, forcing them to take off their shirts in public while a female TSA agent felt all around the bra. Don't worry, ladies, after enough complaints rolled in the TSA promised to exclude your boobs from the pat-down.
Unless the metal detector goes off...
#6.
All Men Named David Nelson are Terrorists
Just Another Day In Line:
You probably know that all airline passenger lists are compared against a no-fly list, which the TSA didn't even want to admit existed at one time. The problem is that, as it turns out, sometimes more than one person in the world shares the same name.
Uh-Oh:
So, you can imagine the chaos that erupted when a "David Nelson" somehow wound up on the list. That name isn't exactly as distinctive as, say, Flavor Flav, so the result was many, many David Nelsons getting pulled out of line every single time they flew (including one David Nelson who got called out by security four times on one trip).
It doesn't help that the process to get your name removed from the watch list takes at least a month and a half, and the ACLU had to sue to even get that. In a nice touch of irony, one of the lawyers who was working for the ACLU was named...David Nelson.
To Make Things Worse...
An easier way to get off the no-fly list is to just change your name, as one Canadian man did. Yes, the entire no-fly list is founded on the idea that terrorists are stupid enough to fly using their own names.
#5.
The Cutest Little Terrorist Ever!
Just Another Day In Line:
Now, of course the whole "block every flyer with the same name" thing doesn't apply to the obvious cases. Like they're not pulling little David Nelson babies out of the line or anything, right?
Right?
Uh-Oh:
Yep, TSA employees pulled Matthew Gardner out of the line because somebody with that name showed up on a federal Most Wanted list.
Matthew is five.
Agents searched the belongings of both Matthew and his mom. When the mother went to comfort the upset child, she was told to back away. Because, you know, it totally says right here on the screen he like shot six dudes at a bank in Reno.
But, hey, we've heard of little kid suicide bombers before, right? It could happen. And really, can you ever be too careful?
To Make Things Worse...
Yes, yes you can. For instance, if you not only stop an infant in line, but you stop an infant from flying because, again, he shows up on the no-fly list.
"Sorry, but you're gonna have to leave that with us."
Parents have gotten repeatedly held up (or missed flights completely) waiting to get passports and other documentation faxed in to prove their one-year-old wasn't a little terrorist mastermind.
#4.
"All We Need to Take the Plane is a Butter Knife. And the Pilot."
Just Another Day In Line:
Anybody protecting our safety on airlines obviously isn't going to let somebody bring a knife on board. And, of course, the TSA plays things safe by confiscating thousands of Swiss Army knives and others that could make damn fine weapons in the hand of a trained nutjob.
We're not going to complain about that, are we?
Uh-Oh:
Well, there's the case of Patrick Smith, who got stopped with a butter knife. A butter knife from the plane. It was one of the knives they give you with your in-flight meal.
Like this dangerous piece of murder.
But what was this crazy man doing trying to sneak airplane issued silverware through security anyway? Why couldn't he have just waited to get one with his meal, like a normal person?
Well, the airline issued it to him. Because he works for them. As a pilot. And all of this happened while he was standing there in full pilot uniform.
Wrap your mind around that. If this man was a terrorist and intended to fly a plane into a building, he doesn't need a knife to get into the cockpit. They pay him to sit there.
To Make Things Worse...
With such stringent standards, they catch every dangerous knife, right? Well, there was somebody who got through a security checkpoint with a four-inch knife blade after getting his apparently far more dangerous pudding confiscated.
As for all those knives they do confiscate, you might be wondering what happens to them. After all, some of these knives are cherished possessions of the owners, or beloved heirlooms! So, of course, there's a process to get them back. They call it eBay.
TSA is stupid. just get rid of it. It's a CORPORATION that flies you from A to B let them hire their own security.
ReplyWait a minute... in #3, was she unable to stand on one leg?
ReplyMy bet is that she tried to do that at first, and they just kept telling her to put her foot down. I've seen some pretty assholish TSA agents who really don't give a s**t about your well-being. I had one try and take one of my Rx pills, that I NEEDED at the time, just "because". It took quite a while of me saying "Um dude, I'm going on a long trip. I need these meds so I don't stay sick." They finally let me go through, but it was a hassle.
if she sprained her ankle in the first place, maybe she wasn't all that good with the balance. and even if she could stand on one leg, the article doesn't say how long she was required to stand or how long it took to get her crutches back.
I was once on a airport in Heathrow (or however it is spelled) when i got randomly selected and taken to the little room with scanners. I went through the proces and everything was fine. On the flight back I got randomly selected again. Same story everything turned out ok. Then my brother (who was on the flight with and standing behind me in line) opened his bag at home. He unpacked and even opened the little side pockets of his bag (one of those big sports bags) Turns out d*****t still had fireworks from new years eve in that bag (this happened a couple of years ago right after the London subway attacks).
ReplyHe was never stopped or picked out and neither was his bag searched.
I know this is the internet but I can assure you that this story is 100% true. Still find it extremely funny btw.
On the flight from Hawaii they don't put you through the body scanners unless you set off the metal detector. It went off before I had even put one foot through!?! They let me through, then made my mom go in the scanner. She couldn't have set it off. She was in 1 layer of sweats, uggs, and didn't even have pockets.
ReplyAs a 14 year old white girl a few years back, the airport security opened up my MacBook... Those bitches were lucky they didn't f*****g break it or else a mass killing in the AIR isn't what they would've needed to worry about...
Replywhat does your race have to do with it? do you feel you didn't deserve to be searched as a 14 yo white girl as opposed to, say, a 14 yo arabic girl?
And this is why we don't succumb our freedom in exchange for "safety" from terrorists. Because then we are simply giving in to the worse of two evils: the US government.
ReplyYet another reason why I'm glad I don't live in the States.
ReplyIn Ireland, I didn't have to take off my shoes during the Irish checkpoint. My jacket got caught in the conveyer belt and one of the guys was joking, "Bad machine! Don't eat the jacket!" and they were really nice.
ReplyI only had to take off my shoes when I went to the American checkpoint (so I won't have to deal with the VERY LONG line back at LAX). The Irish are so nice, they even provide a separate American checkpoint (with content Americans) so one won't have to deal with bitchy TSA at home.
The American TSA "agents" are always pissed and unhappy and look like they generally hate humanity.
Yeah, thankfully the guys in Shannon airport are decent people. I was bringing my laptop through on the way to a holiday, they did a quick check, taking out the battery, but they didn't crack it open or anything like that, Most of the moronic TSA "agents, to copy you" would take it, open it completely, rip out the fan, toss it back in, and give it back, breaking it. My older uncle had a very expensive laptop he'd worked for ages to buy, he went to Seattle, the dicks opened it, took out the battery, the hard drive "NOT A f*****g GOOD IDEA!" the fan, the motherboard and anything else they could, breaking multiple wires and destroying the thing. He was incredibly pissed, but the TSA guy simply to him to "Go f**k himself". Assholes....
I would like if I mayto present two possible hypothisese on what's going on.
ReplyHypothesis #1,
The security guards are working in a buerucracy where independant thought is discouraged and slvish obedience to the rules, no matter how stupid, is rewarded. Escentially, "You can't punish me, I did EXACTLY what I was told. It's the bosses' fault."
Hypothesis #2,
They're all just fucktards.
Let's all learn how to fly ourselves and get private planes and cute little landing strips in our backyard. Problem solved!
ReplyMy sister in law pumped and stored breast milk for her then six-month-old son. When the screeners went through her bag, they told her that she wouldn't be allowed to take the expressed breast milk on board, seeing as how it's totally a liquid and liquids are, like, dangerous and shit. She protested, and a supervisor told her that if she wanted to take the milk on the plane, she'd have to drink some from each of the bottles, effectively contaminating the milk--and, let's face it, that's just about the grossest thing I've ever heard of in my life. She told the screener, "Fuck it, I can make more on the plane." She and the baby were then detained for, I believe, threatening the TSA employee. They missed their flight, and had to pay an exhorbitant fee to rebook on another plane.
ReplyThe south park episode where Mr. garrison invents a new traveling device is spot on. "Hey at least it's better than airlines".
ReplySome rich a*****e should just make a new airline with the headline. "Hey at least we won't grope your grandma"
My family's baggage gets searched extensively and swabbed for explosives every time we leave the country. And no, we don't look even mildly middle eastern. In the TSA's defense, scuba gear can look pretty damn suspicious through an x-ray machine. But the bag with the electronics, headphones, power cords, and books, always goes through without any issues. Which I think is really weird, because I managed to get a look at the screen at the LA airport, and if I were manning that checkpoint, I would have pulled that bag out of line and searched it.
Replyi haven't flown in a while so i'm sure things are far worse than they were 5 years ago...but even then, patting down an 80 year old was a pretty common sight. i'm not a big fan of racial or ethnic profiling, but i could be a fan of reverse profiling. there are some people who, just by looking at them, you can tell are not terrorists.
Replybtw, you could make the case that TSA agents actually terrorize the people they are protecting from terrorists.
I've been on Holiday in America 3 times. My mum was stopped on the first year for having the same name as some American most wanted women. We had to wait a few hours and we weren't allowed to see her. Eventually they realised that she wasn't some terrorist and she was let go, we were told not to worry it wouldn't happen again.
Reply2 years later, it happened again.
in general, based on my experience, TSA agents are some of the least intelligent, least logical, under-qualified for their job people i have ever come across. they also seem, in general, to be more interested in talking to and joking with each other than they are in paying attention to what they're doing. until the metal detector goes off. then god help that person. not to say that they're all stupid or do dumb s**t like this, some of them are very good at what they do, but sadly, they seem to be the outliers, at least here in america. i was fortunate enough to spend some time in ireland, germany, prague, and amsterdam this summer and going through their security on the way back was a dream in comparison. they were quick, efficient, polite, and, shockingly enough, had enough brains in their head
ReplyNow I really want to go on a plane and say my prayers in Polish and see if anyone thinks I'm a terrorist. See if anyone bothers to think about what language it is, or if they just start freaking out because it's a different language that they don't recognize.
Replymay god have mercy on your anal cavity...
i thot the butterknife image from #4 was a cool little nod to db cooper being that it is from the same airline that he hi-jacked. content within content if you will. i am a fan of cryptic messages. imagine my dissapointment when i googled "airplane butter knife images".
ReplyWhen I flew to the UK in 2006, I had to take of my shoes, only problem was I was holding my 6 month old daughter. I asked one of the TSA idiots (who looked like a dyke, and the idea of anything created by a man and woman joinging together totally repulsed her), who of course refused to help. Cursing her under my breath, I managed to balance my baby on one knee and pull my shoes off with the other free hand while standing on one leg, which made me look like a contortionist family legacy act. In the future, I learned to wear flip flops to the air port.
ReplyHomophobic shithole, you more than deserved it. Three guesses why you got harrassed, idiot.
Fucked up world, no one deserves this bullshit, no matter what kind of homophobic inclination he has. Really, mankind priorities were never so fucked up.
My little brother is legally blind. To do his schoolwork and read books, he often uses a device called a BrailleNote. It's basically a little portable computer with braille dots running across the top, which can be raised or lowered as one reads through a text.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesWhile in an airport in Houston, my family got held up for HALF AN HOUR because a TSA employee was convinced the BrailleNote was a bomb. Her evidence? I quote: "You have to understand why I'm suspicious - it's square, and it's blacK. If it's a computer, why can't I see any screen?"
IT DOESN'T HAVE A SCREEN THAT YOU CAN SEE BECAUSE IT'S BRAILLE! THE LANGUAGE BASED ON TOUCH! FOR BLIND PEOPLE!
This comment made my brain want to kill itself. Land of the free, baby.
Dude...
Fuckheads.
A celphone could match that description! Or an external hard drive, or a USB, or... *turns head* AAARGH!!! 2FT TALL BLACK ELECTRONIC DIVICE WITH NO BUILT ON MONITOR!!!! IT'S ON MY DESK RIGHT NO!