4 WTF Stories from the Legend of King Arthur
The stories of King Arthur were essentially the comic books of their time -- full of breasts, violence and intricately baffling melodrama. These are four of the craziest:
King Uther Rapes/Murders Arthur into Existence
Uther, the King of England, had a raging dent in his codpiece for Igraine, the queen of Cornwall. The thing was, Igraine was married to the duke of Tintagel, and Cornwall and England were in a war that seemed to start back up whenever someone remembered it.
Believing that anything that couldn't be solved with murder simply wasn't worth doing, Uther immediately resumed war on Cornwall and had Merlin disguise him as the duke, presumably with magic and not wholesale costume supplies.
Uther, sans duke suit.
The real duke was killed in a battle, leaving Uther free to visit Igraine in his duke disguise and plunge his sword into her stone. He impregnated her with the sperm of legend, and nine months later Arthur was born.
Sir Gawain Decapitates a Woman and Wears Her Head Home
Sir Gawain was basically the Wolverine of King Arthur's X-Men -- he was a huge dick who killed indiscriminately and yet somehow got his own spinoff. Anyways, Gawain was in a dispute with a lord named Ablamar and thoroughly demolished him in the resulting melee. Despite Ablamar being utterly defeated and begging for mercy, Gawain elected to chop his head right the hell off, presumably because his choppin' arm needed practice.
Look at that mustache. He plays for keeps.
Unfortunately, Lady Ablamar saw Gawain about to strike the killing blow and dove in front of his sword, causing Gawain to behead her instead. Shortly after, four more-scrupulous knights showed up to kill Gawain's merciless ass, but his life was spared on the condition that he return to Camelot with Lady Ablamar's body draped across the front of his horse, and her head wrapped around his neck. He heroically accepted their terms, because the only thing Sir Gawain valued more than his honor was not being stabbed to death.
Lancelot Gets Raped. Twice.
Lancelot was totally sleeping with King Arthur's wife, Guinevere, despite being Arthur's chief stickman. This upset Lady Elaine -- not because she objected to the affair, but because she wanted to be lanced-a-lot. So, she slipped him a drink that was equal parts roofie and LSD, and while Lancelot was drugged, she managed to convince him that she was Guinevere. Sex ensued.
But once wasn't enough. On a later visit to the castle, Brisen, Elaine's servant, told Lancelot that Guinevere was waiting to "confirm his knighthood" in a blacked-out bedchamber. Brisen led Lancelot into Elaine's room instead, and, incredibly, the knight was fooled again. Apparently Lancelot was accustomed to throwing his penis into journeys of mysterious discovery.
Arthur Impregnates His Sister and Tries to Drown Their Incest Baby
Arthur pretty much jousted his king-a-ling into anything he could (considering that he had his knights take vows of celibacy, this made him King of the Shitheads in addition to just plain old England). When rival King Lot sent his wife, Morgawse, to spy on him, Arthur sexed the duplicity right out of her.
Unfortunately (and unbeknownst to Arthur at the time of said sexing), Morgawse was actually his sister. According to Merlin, their inbred son, Mordred, was destined to kill Arthur, because Merlin can apparently only see the future when it doesn't do anyone any good (and not, you know, before Arthur pennihilated his sister).
"Magic is crazy, Arthur. Just hear me out ..."
Problem was, Arthur didn't know where the baby was (seriously, Merlin, what the fuck does he pay you for?). He only knew Mordred's birthday. So, he rounded up all of the children who shared that birthday, put them on a boat and set them adrift in the sea. Because if an unmanned ship full of infants happens to sink, that's just the Lord calling them home. And of course it did sink, killing everyone on board.
You know, after reading all this, we're kind of on Mordred's side now.